They’re someone else’s “one” instead

The four-story registry building swarmed with excited university students. Rolled up sleeping bags warmed their armpits and 6-packs of beer hung from their fingers. They surged through the maze of offices, greeting each other with hugs and fist bumps; the atmosphere charged with political fervor from the day’s protesting.

I hadn’t thought to bring a sleeping bag, or alcohol for that matter. I’d joined the fees protest spontaneously, passing by just as a group of young guys rammed the doors with a log: medieval siege warfare-style. I wasn’t prepared for the two night occupation of the registry building like others around me.

Thankfully, the guy I’d been flirting with for the last two hours was.

When the day-time protests settled, he led us to a quiet office corner and we snuggled down for the night under his blanket. He was by far the most attractive man I’d ever kissed: fit and tall with blonde hair that fell into his eyes. A strong jaw covered in just enough rough stubble to make him look like he didn’t care. He’d mastered the perfect groomed-but-chill university student persona. It made me shy. But with the excitement of the protest, standing arm in arm blocking the doors, who needed to talk? Eye contact and a flirty smile was enough for us to know we were both into each other.

Nothing much happened that night or the next. Neither of us were keen to get too physical in a room full of people. But we had two lovely days together, cuddling, laughing, talking with friends. I was infatuated.

On the morning the protest finished, I went to the bathroom and returned to find him gone. I obsessed about him, wondering what I could do to see him again.

My university campus was smallish, and a few weeks later, we bumped into each other. We went on a date and ended up back in his room, but without the intensity of the protest, the spark wasn’t the same.

The next time I saw him, weeks later at a campus concert, he introduced his new girlfriend with a huge smile on his face. My chest dropped in disappointment — it had felt so nice being in his arms. Why didn’t he choose me? After chatting though, my disappointment faded. I could see they were a great match.

I’d fallen for him because he was so attractive, but I knew deep down he wasn’t the right guy for me. I felt shy around him, couldn’t be myself, and we had nothing in common. He’d made no effort unless I was directly in front of him. Clearly, if I was out of his sight, I was also out of his mind.

He was always someone else’s “one”, not mine. Once I admitted that to myself, it was easy to move on.

Someone else’s one

Most people you go out with are someone else’s one, not yours. If you go on 10 different dates, it’s likely 9 of those people won’t be your match. They won’t be the person you’ll build a happy relationship with.

In a study of 11,196 romantic couples, researchers found an interesting discovery about relationship happiness. A huge part of our happiness relies on our beliefs about our partner. Believing our partner is satisfied with us and 100% in makes all the difference. We need to know our partners are happy with us. Then we feel happier too.

This sort of equal partnership is what you’re looking for. Your right person is the one who is fully into you, and you’re fully into them.

7 Clues They’re Someone Else’s “One”

#1. They’re dream-deaf

I’m not saying they need the same interests as you, but the right person will want to hear about your dreams and goals. Not only that, but they’ll support you to achieve them.

The researchers at the Gottman Institute say great couples support each other’s interests and help each other reach goals. It might be practical help, listening and asking questions, or offering emotional support and validation.

If your date only wants to talk about their own goals and interests — seriously? They aren’t for you.

“Understanding the basis of each other’s dreams, each other’s most deeply felt hopes and desires for the future, is one of the most rewarding experiences you can have in a relationship.” — Gottman Institute Blog

#2. They’re not your emotional safe haven

“Every couple has differences,” Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist, told Time Magazine. “What makes couples unhappy is when they have an emotional disconnection and they can’t get a feeling of secure base or safe haven with this person.”

You need to know your partner will be there for you emotionally, not just to help you in practical ways, but to listen and support you when you need it. They need to feel like your safe haven.

Feeling emotionally secure and connected with your partner is a need, not a want. If you don’t feel it after a few months of dating, they might be someone else’s one.

#3. They stir up the worst

You’re going to spend hours with this person. You want to make sure you bring out the best in each other. The right partner is the one who makes you want to be a better person. They make you want to be healthier, more generous, kinder, and more loving. When you’re around them, you like the you that shows up.

As Genius Turner wisely says in his article:

“The right person is whoever helps reflect back your character in such a way as to make you fall in love with yourself, too.”

If one of you feels short-tempered, frustrated, shy, clingy, controlling, or jealous around the other, it may be a sign you’re not well matched.

#4. They don’t involve their people

Netflix and chill on repeat? If they only ever see you alone, even after months of dating, there’s probably a reason. The hard truth is if they haven’t introduced you to their friends or family — even over Zoom — it’s because they don’t see a future with you.

One 2014 study looked at how we marshal support for our romantic relationship when we think we’ve found the one. We want to make our partner part of our inner circle. We try to gather our friends and families to our side to back and embrace our new relationship.

If your new partner isn’t drawing you into their inner circle after a few months, they aren’t the one.

#5. They’re seeing you under a microscope

Do they like you or just lust after you? Good relationships focus on the positive aspects of the person they love. A loving partner will like you. They won’t think you’re perfection or put you on some ridiculous pedestal, but they will like you — flaws and all. They won’t examine your bad qualities under a microscope: nit picking, criticizing, or trying to change you. If they don’t like you, they aren’t your one.

Biological anthropologist, Helen Fisher calls this positive illusions. Positive illusions allow you to focus on the good things about your partner and find the other (more annoying things) insignificant.

“Men and women who continue to maintain that their partner is attractive, funny, kind, and ideal for them in just about every way remain content with each other.” — Helen Fisher

#6. They’re giving the wrong signals

Commitment to a relationship costs us something. It costs us time, effort, money, or emotion. If someone is our “one” we’re happy to pay those costs. ‘Costly commitment signals’ is the psychological term. But what if your date isn’t showing any signals? What if they never make the effort to come to your town? Never do anything that puts them out financially or emotionally for you?

One study found when commitment signals like this were missing, relationships didn’t last the distance.

You’re the one who always changes plans or incurs the financial, emotional, or time costs. Meanwhile, they act as if they’re still single. They forget special occasions like your birthday or the exciting promotion you got at work. They want you to come to them, listen to their problems, attend their events… it feels one-sided.

I know you want it to work. They might say they want it to work too, but actions do speak louder than words. People who are committed to a relationship make an effort. They find a way to spend time with you, even if it’s inconvenient. The right person sends little surprises, gifts, or nice messages letting you know you matter. When you’ve had a bad day, they stop what they’re doing to listen and support you. One study found when commitment signals like this were missing, relationships didn’t last the distance.

#7. It’s all up-hill

With the right person you feel calm, relaxed, and mostly, things are pretty easy. Relationship Coach, Evan Marc Katz says, “All relationships take some effort, but when that effort starts to feel like actual work, your relationship is not serving its purpose.”

Relationships take effort. Sure. But we use that fact to make excuses for tough relationships. We say to ourselves, “Relationships are hard work!” No. They’re not. Effort is different from work. Effort is spending time with your partner, communicating well, listening to each other, and supporting each other’s dreams. But your relationship feels easy. Calm. Safe. Happy most of the time.

“A good relationship is easy. If it’s not easy, it’s not that good.”

If your relationship with someone is hard work, they aren’t the one. As Katz says, “A good relationship is easy. If it’s not easy, it’s not that good.”

Not everyone you meet or date will be your one. Most of them are the right person for someone else. Knowing that fact early on helps you let go and not take it personally if things don’t work out. It wasn’t you or what you did wrong. You’re not a failure. They’re just someone else’s one.

Your right person will be interested in your dreams and goals. You’ll have an emotional connection and bring out the best in each other. They’ll bring you into their inner circle and want everyone else to see how wonderful you are (because they think you’re something pretty damn special!). It’ll feel easy with them and they’ll make sacrifices of time, effort, money, and emotions, just because they care.

Your one is worth the wait. Don’t settle for someone else’s.