You have more control than you think.

Therapy is often seen as the antidote to a struggling relationship.

That couples need to hash out their disputes in a therapy room, in the presence of a soft-voiced, non-judgemental relationship counsellor.

While it’s true therapy can help, most couples wait an average six years before signing up. By then, their dysfunctional habits are often so embedded in the relationship, it’s tough to dig them out.

And that can mean therapy becomes more war zone than a place for learning, listening and peaceful resolution.

There’s another way, though, to improve your relationship and to be a good, or better, partner. And that’s to work on yourself, to understand who you are and how you roll in a relationship.

7 Ways to Improve Your Relationship — Without Telling Your Partner

“The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.” — Henry David Thoreau

People often say they want their partner (or at least some aspect of them) to be different. But trying to change someone else is a rocky place to start: it can cause confusion and hurt — particularly if it’s a personality-based trait.

But here’s the (sneaky) thing. You can tweak another’s behaviour by changing your own approach. Here are the first steps.

1. Slow (way) down.

Slowing down is the key to listening properly — which is obviously the key to good communication. Plenty of people talk a big game but great listening is a tougher skill to master — especially when so much of our lives are lived on the run. So slow down, sit down, lock away your phone and take the time to hear your partner. You don’t even need to add an illuminating comment, just be affirming; offer something that indicates you have heard (and, even better, understood) their viewpoint and their feelings.

2. Know your hot buttons.

Do you get defensive when criticised — even if it’s justified? Are you highly sensitive to the opinions of other people? Do you have to have the last word or win an argument? Can’t let things go? Get upset when you feel overwhelmed or undervalued? Paranoid about your new partner’s whereabouts because you’ve been cheated on previously?

Knowing your hot buttons — those things that are sure to ignite a reaction in you — gives you some command over your behaviour. And allows you to be able to explain what’s going on to your partner.

3. Express your needs — when you’re in a good space.

Many people struggle to find their voice in relationships. And when they do, it’s in the heat of battle when they’re distressed or angry. If you can say what you need, quietly, clearly and reasonably, you are FAR more likely to be listened to.

A young man I work with uses a WMC (Wednesday Marriage Chat) to talk things through with his partner. He says it’s “been amazing” because it offers a regular, neutral space for each of them to say what’s up, rather than storing it up until they’re at lash-out point. And they make sure they talk about the good things too.

4. Be clear about what would help.

This doesn’t mean “be bossy”. But it’s smart to avoid saying vague things to your partner like “I need you to do more”, “I’m unhappy with this situation”, “I want you to initiate things.” These may sound reasonable but they lead people to feel helpless or hopeless because they’re not sure what to do to make things better. If you want more help, ask for it in specific terms. I’d like to carve out some time to myself on Fridays. Could you please drop off the kids on Wednesdays and Thursdays? Are you able to take over the cooking on Mondays? You may not get an immediate yes, but it’s a better starting point for domestic negotiations.

5. Don’t react in the moment.

Hit pause before you say what’s on your mind. It allows you to assess whether you really need to raise your point or grievance. Is it THAT important? A lot of minor issues can be let go if we give ourselves time to think things through, to be reasonable.

A lot of people believe they have to immediately “sort” any conflicts. It’s great in theory but trying to settle conflict when you’re angry/upset can make things a whole lot worse. Take the time each of you need. Not days or weeks though!

6. Be able to self-soothe.

It’s normal to get emotional in a relationship — but it’s not okay to let your feelings run amok, because your words and actions can be hard to come back from. Have a go-to plan for calming yourself down or picking yourself up and explain to your partner what you need in terms of time and space. Just give me an hour to cool off. Don’t leave them to guess.

7. Be appreciative.

People often wind themselves into a state of resentment because their partner’s not doing enough. So, when their partner does contribute, they’ll see it as overdue, rather than being appreciative. Everyone responds well to praise; there’s no such thing as “over-thanking”. Thank your partner, always. It will make them feel valued — and, the secret benefit in case you haven’t guessed — it will encourage them to do more.

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