Why observations are more powerful than questions

Last year, when my son started kindergarten, my mom friends warned me that he might come home irritable the first few weeks. They were right: My normally happy-go-lucky five-year-old would trudge off the bus, throw his backpack on the entryway floor, and turn on the TV without a word (except to demand a bowl of Goldfish). When I asked about his day at dinner or at bedtime, he’d shut me down and change the subject.

It didn’t last long, thankfully, but I’ve spent the time since then wondering why a question as innocuous as “How was your day?” would prompt such a negative reaction. I recently found what seemed to be an answer in an Instagram post about how to get kids to talk about their feelings: Seattle-based therapist Lindsay Braman explained that such an open-ended prompt can increase anxiety, especially when you’re asking someone (like a five-year-old) to share emotions they don’t know how to explain.

Observations, on the other hand, cultivate connection by showing you’re paying attention, Braman explained in her post; that’s why she encourages parents to lead with statements like “You seem frustrated,” or “You’re full of smiles.”

It’s not just good advice for parents. Right now — especially as the holidays approach — we’re all experiencing some heightened feelings, including some we may not know how to process or explain. And as we look for ways to stay connected to the people we love from a distance, applying the same principle of observations before questions can encourage much-needed emotional vulnerability.

Observations “send the message that you notice changes in a person and are interested in knowing more about their experience, says New York-based psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, “all the while rejecting the superficial ‘how are you’ exchange and replacing it with genuine connection.”

Of course, talking to an adult friend or relative requires some different strategies (and a bit more care) than checking in with your kid over chicken nuggets. Here are some practical ways to use observations to strengthen your relationships.

Choose the right framing

A direct, “you seem” statement might work with your own kid, but for an adult, it might feel like labeling, which can trigger defensiveness or an emotional shutdown. The goal is to encourage the other person to open up about how they’re doing by showing you care, so frame your observation in a way that won’t make them feel judged or misinterpreted.

Instead, couch your observation with softer, curiosity-driven language. Mia Rosenberg, a therapist and the owner of Upsider Therapy, recommends the “I’ve noticed that” and “I’m wondering” formula. For example, you could say, “I’ve noticed that you’re quieter lately; I’m wondering if you’re stressed?”

“These sentence starters help show the person that you are genuinely thinking about their behaviors, and are interested in learning more,” says Rosenberg.

Observe body language, not appearance

To that end, be careful what you’re observing, too. Therapist Leah Rockwell, founder of Rockwell Wellness Counseling, says a loved one’s body language or non-verbal communication can offer good insight into their emotional experience. For example, someone’s sad-sounding voice or slouched shoulders could cause you to wonder if they’re feeling down.

But according to the marriage and family therapist Julia McGrath, it’s best to avoid appearance-based statements like “You look tired” or “You appear frazzled,” which can hurt the feelings of someone who’s already struggling. Opt instead for emotion-focused words, such as overwhelmed, burned out, or frustrated.

Be okay with getting it wrong

Sharing your observations can show another person you’re tuned in to what they’re going through. But remember that to an extent, you’re making assumptions. The goal isn’t to be right; it’s to be empathetic to their actual experience. Make room for the person to be honest about their thoughts and feelings by stating your observations tentatively, with humility.

Heather Z. Lyons, psychologist and owner of the Baltimore Therapy Group, says that can be as simple as tacking on an “I could be wrong, but” at the beginning, or an “Am I off base?” at the end. “This way, you provide an out so the other person can deny they feel that way,” she says, and give them a chance to correct the record by sharing what’s actually going on, if they choose.

Validate, don’t fix

Once the person opens up about what they’re feeling, resist the temptation to find a solution. Instead, validate. McGrath suggests telling them their emotions makes sense, reiterating how hard their experience sounds, then asking what they need.

If you’re burning to share how you see things, ask permission before dishing out advice. Sometimes, well-intentioned attempts to fix the problem send a message that you’re uncomfortable with the other person’s emotions, which does anything but forge trust and connection.

Instead, try just sitting with them, whether that’s on Zoom or IRL. It’s hard to watch someone you care about struggle, but your empathy and presence are more powerful tools than you think.