What makes the ideal partner?

Plenty of experts have given their full attention to this one: respect, openness, emotional maturity, honesty, good communication skills, vulnerability, empathy…the list goes on — and on.

All are good, solid, qualities; all worthy of their place on the Most Desirable Traits in a Partner list. But it gets more murky when you delve inside “happy” relationships to analysing the people in it.

You’ll almost never find two perfect exponents of whatever it’s supposed to take. Instead, you’ll find supersized servings of tolerance, of compromise and — most of all — generosity.

Not the Splash-the-Cash kind of generosity. That’s easy (or easy if you have some cash to splash) but it has NOTHING to do with what you’re like to be with, or live with, over time.

What matters is a person’s Generosity of Spirit which you can spot right at the start — as long as you peel back the blinkers from your lovestruck eyes.

To help out, here are the most meaningful signs to look for.

7 Signs Your Partner Has a Generous Spirit

“We should give as we would receive, cheerfully, quickly, and without hesitation; for there is no grace in a benefit that sticks to the fingers.” — Seneca

1. They’re generous with their time.

This one’s hard to spot when you first get together because obviously you spend a lot of time together. (Red flag if you’re not). At the outset, you’re both presenting your “best selves” — so you need to be sneaky in investigating this one. Look at the time they make for other people in their world: their close friends, their aging mother, someone they’re mentoring at work. Not just the amount of time, either, but what they do with it.

Later on in the relationship, a generous-spirited partner will keep prioritising you. They’ll save time, and their best energy for you — rather than give you what’s left over after work, their hobbies, hanging out with friends and scrolling their phone.

2. They’re generous with their support.

When you’re struggling they’re there for you. They’re listening. They’re being thoughtful. They’re defending you — or helping you to see the reality of a situation. You can count on them 100% to have your back.

3. They’re generous with the differences between you (also known as tolerance).

I recall working with a man who was struggling in his relationship because he wanted his wife to be more like him: more outgoing, more inquisitive, more driven, more up for debating intellectual and political issues. No prizes for guessing that the pressure he put on her to be like this slowly destroyed their marriage. She was a lovely person, but in very different ways from him.

No matter how much in love you are, your partner is — and should be — different from you. If you don’t enjoy (or at least accept) the differences between you, you’re in trouble.

4. They’re generous with their energy.

They’re not most commonly located on the couch with a box of popcorn and the remote control. Okay, sometimes they are but they’re also up for sharing the load — the chores, the responsibilities with the kids/pets, the life admin, the “emotional weight”; everything the two of you have built.

Unequal splits in load-sharing is one of the most common relationship niggles (or big conflict points) between couples who’ve been together for a while. No-one can do everything, so be fair about your division of labour.

5. They’re generous with their trust.

There is no greater, more freeing, feeling than being trusted by someone. Except, perhaps, trusting them.

6. They’re generous to others.

This doesn’t mean neglect you in favour of other people or they give away all your stuff. It means they treat all people with respect, including people who can’t improve their social status or help them get a better job. They offer their time, energy and expertise freely when they can AND they’re innately good-humoured about it.

7. They’re generous with YOUR dreams.

They encourage and support your unique, or quirky, interests — even if they don’t have a blind bit of interest in them.

Even if they have big plans and dreams of their own, they make space for yours. They don’t belittle your ideas or pour ice water on your endeavours. They help you to go after what makes you feel happy or content.