The do’s and don’ts of posting photos of your kid on social media

This question is not only about keeping children safe from creeps, although that’s part of it.

It’s also about whether posting about children might make them hung up on what other people think about them, learn to value digital experiences over real-world connections or feel resentful at having their childhood temper tantrums and birthday parties documented online.

The first generation of children born in the Facebook era are coming of age now, and they’re raising new questions about what it means to grow up with everyone watching.

Thinking about the drawbacks and the potential benefits of this new reality is helpful for people with children and for those of us who aren’t parents or guardians.

I also want to acknowledge that parents don’t need one more thing to feel guilty about or to judge other parents’ choices. We’re all imperfect humans trying our best.

I spoke to child development specialists and other experts to offer advice on what to consider when you post about your children online — and how to maximize the good parts for you and your kid.

Asking preteens or teens for permission before you post about them “shows that you respect them and consider their perspective,” said Sara Valencia Botto, a lecturer with Emory University’s psychology department.

Even if you post about your daughter’s orchestra recital because you’re proud of her, your child may feel self-conscious or embarrassed. That’s not necessarily a bad sign. Botto says it’s a fundamental human characteristic to care aboutwhat other people think of us.

Devorah Heitner, author of the upcoming book “Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World,” said that asking even younger children for permission teaches them to respect their own privacy and reputation and that of others.

They may feel more comfortable asking their friends not to post a video of them on TikTok. And they’ll learn to check before they post about their friends, too.

“You have modeled that you don’t share without checking,” Heitner said. “You’re setting a value with your kid that they take to others.”

Some parents also avoid showing their children’s faces or limit sharing of online photos entirely to protect young people’s privacy and self-image.

Heitner described a version of the golden rule for what she calls “sharenting”: Imagine how you’d feel if what you’re posting about your child were about you instead.

You probably wouldn’t want your spouse to share an Instagram photo of you looking exhausted and rumpled in the morning, and you’d recoil if your co-worker publicly posted about your meltdown at a staff meeting. That’s a gut check that you might not want to share similar moments about your child.

“If there’s any doubt, don’t share it out,” said Heitner, who leads workshops about children and technology.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share your difficult or joyful parenting moments, but Heitner suggested some selective editing.

She gave the example of your kid feeling devastated that her team lost a soccer tournament and the coach gave an inspiring speech after the game. Consider writing a post that acknowledges the hard day for your family but focuses on what you learned from the coach’s message and not on your child’s reaction to the loss.

Heitner wrote in her new book that waiting 24 hours to share a post gives you time to consider whether it’s worth doing. Or you might choose to share in more controlled spaces such as a private Instagram account for your family.

Heitner also recommended tailoring where you post about your kid depending on the sensitivity of the information.

If you want advice to help your teen through his first breakup or you need support for your child’s mental health diagnosis, Heitner said that posting in a local Facebook parenting group can put your child in a vulnerable position.

Instead, can you solicit advice about your child’s breakup from a friend or in a small group text chat? Can you post anonymously in an online mental health support group?

Mitchell J. Prinstein, chief science officer of the American Psychological Association, said that when his group talks to parents about children’s social media use, an adult will inevitably raise the point that kids’ bad tech habits apply to grown-ups, too.

“We’re spending all this time talking about kids these days and social media, but look what it’s done to adults,” Prinstein said. He said kids learn their values by seeing what adults around them do and what they talk about.

Prinstein and his wife don’t discuss anything they’re seeing on social media with their children, who are 11 and 13. They don’t want their kids to absorb the idea that what’s happening online is an important element in social status or relationships.

Prinstein also encouraged us to reflect on why we’re sharing online.

Are you proud that your child won a spelling bee? Are you feeling overwhelmed with parenting responsibilities and need to feel less alone? Are you sharing your child’s college acceptance letter because your friends are doing it, too? Is your kiddo incredibly adorable today and you need to show someone else?

Those motivations aren’t necessarily good or bad, Prinstein said, but it’s useful to be conscious of your intentions and whether they’re consistent with the values that matter to you.

Including your children to memorialize milestones and daily life online can be win for parents and kids. It’s not all downsides.

Prinstein and other experts also said sharing your parenting highs and lows online can be incredibly helpful.

“It makes complete sense that as humans we want to talk about the experience and make sense of the experience through comparing notes with others,” said Sara Petersen, a parenting newsletter writer and author of the book “Momfluenced: Inside the Maddening, Picture-Perfect World of Mommy Influencer Culture.”

Petersen said that particularly for mothers, posting about their children online or reading about others’ parenting experiences helps them understand themselves better and feel supported. That’s important to consider alongside the feelings of your children.

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