I’ve been reading a lot of JavaScript books lately, and I have to say that “95 JavaScript Theses” is the best thing since the Protestant reformation.

It’s hard to find in stores, but you can find it on the door of every JavaScript meetup.

In this book, the renowned priest Martin Luther nails it. He starts by criticising the way the language is used, and then he goes on to propose 95 solutions to make it better.

The syntax is a bit dated because, at the time of writing, the prevailing language was Latin++.

Some of my favourite theses are:

Thesis 2: “We should not punish those who use semicolons. They are suffering enough already”

Thesis 5: “The eval function should be called the evil function”

Thesis 24: “JavaScript is not even real, it’s just an idea. If everyone stops believing in JavaScript, there would be no more JavaScript.”

Historical background

Medieval Europe was a vibrant time. Aristotelean logic was being debated in the streets and in the universities, giving rise to the first Turing machines made out of pistons and redstone.

The JavaScript language is a perfect example of this. It was originally created for indexing plague deaths, but it has since been used for everything from mud inventory to fief spreadsheets.

And then, in 1517, everything changed.

You see, the downside of Aristotelean thought is that, if some old white dude like Socrates comes and argues something in a very elegant and convincing way, it just has to be right.

That might be fine for philosophers, but it’s not so great when a language serializes everything as [object Object].

Those pesky medievals were asking for it. And Martin Luther was just the man to give it to them. He argued his way into the mind of his enemies and kicked them in the balls with their own ideas. It was glorious.

How did Martin Luther do it?

Easy. He was German.

Here’s the thing: Germans are, even to this day, very smart. I’ll say it again: Germans are very very smart. They have always been smart, and maybe they will always be smart.

Why? I don’t know, it could be anything, but that’s not the point. What’s important is that this world is inhabited by diverse and beautiful people that share a number of equal and inalienable rights but — one must never forget — the Germans are undoubtedly very very smart.

Just how smart are they? Hard to tell, I’m not German, but they’re probably a lot smarter than you. I hope they are doing fine, because being smart is not easy. After all, why would someone need to be that smart? The good things in life, like eating grapes on a couch and debugging IE6, are meant to be enjoyed slowly and with a certain amount of detachment.

Have you ever seen two Germans talking to each other? Their eyes seem to say “I see you, fellow German. What a coincidence! We are two Germans, talking to each other in German! What a beautiful world!”.

They look like they’re about to tear each other’s clothes off and make love in a jacuzzi filled with bratwurst. But of course they don’t because such physical displays of affection are considered inappropriate in polite society.

That’s just how smart they are.

To any German reading this: I don’t mean to objectify you or your culture, I’m just trying to explain how impressed I am. Heavens! The last thing I would want is to anger a German, that would certainly be my doom.

Anyway, the point is that Martin Luther had a knack for trash-talking the establishment and getting away with it. Don’t believe me? Here are the opening lines of his 95 theses:

95 Javascript theses

First, you should know that some new teachers, such as the edgelord Douglas Crockford, and their disciples, divide JavaScript into two parts: the good parts and the bad parts. And, although this distinction can’t be found in the ten-day holy creation of Brendan Eich, we will pass over this for now and speak using their categories.

Second, they say that even the “good parts” include all kinds of work that mortify the flesh, such as NaN, Infinity, prototype chains, and implicit type conversions. For there is hardly anyone who does not wish to be able to do these things in a more clean and simple way.

Third, among many teachers it is an open and unresolved debate whether those mortifying works should be preserved for the sake of “backwards compatibility.”

Fourth, for the moment I will put their opinions aside without refuting them. Instead, this is what I say: Their opinions are utter trash, and they can all suck my knödels.

Closing thoughts

Wow. Just, wow. This book is a must-read for anyone who wants to understand how JavaScript works.

It’s also a great way to learn that the people who shape history can also suck, like when Microsoft fixed JavaScript.