Image mash-up by Rowdy Geirsson based on imagery by Tom Claes and Catalania

As a world leader in producing increasingly non-responsive, resource-draining software, we’re pleased to announce the release of our latest update! In this newest version, we have once again refused to fix the issues that cause the crashes and freeze-ups that have plagued our software ever since we launched the first version back in the 1980s. We did, however, arbitrarily alter some of the most basic functions that you’ve grown accustomed to over the years for no apparent reason other than to force you to learn new, annoying ways of doing familiar things. But the most significant change included in this update is the excessive demand that the program now places on your hardware system in order to simply open up and proceed to not work properly. This increased strain means that no computer presently available on the market will actually be able to run it solely on battery power or even basic household electrical current.

That’s why every subscriber of our software will soon be receiving a shipment of uranium fuel rods at the address we have on file. This package will also include all of the necessary components required to effectively assemble and operate a nuclear reactor next to your laptop or desktop computer, including control rods, a reactor pressure vessel, steam generator, turbine, and water pump. We’ve also thrown in the necessary valves and pipes needed to connect your new nuclear reactor to the existing water lines of your home or business. It’s all a part of our continued service to you, our trapped customer.

Additionally, we have created a detailed, step-by-step guide that you may download from our website that shows you in the vaguest terms possible almost exactly how to assemble your new nuclear reactor and how to then connect its electrical output to your home or office computer so that you may successfully open our software. If you have questions, our in-house support staff is always available for online instant messaging at those rare times when they feel like it, or you may call our new nuclear help service center in another country where people with indecipherable accents work around the clock for pennies on the dollar.

Once you have your new nuclear reactor up and running, you may open our updated software for the first time. You’ll immediately notice that all those interlinked files created by our other, related software programs still bog down your computer, just as has always been the case with each of our previous pre-nuclear releases. That’s because we’re always striving to make our whole suite of software products only semi-compatible with one another. When we use the word “seamless” to describe the inter-connectivity of our core set of programs, we actually mean “the opposite of seamless.”

And rest assured, no charge for the uranium fuel rods will be applied to your account, but we have been forced to increase our monthly and annual subscription fees to cover the other various nuclear appurtenances that will soon be arriving at your doorstep. This is simply so that we may continue to bring to you the products that your livelihood depends upon while leaving our profit margin untouched. If you would like to discontinue your subscription and/or return your uranium fuel rods, you may attempt and fail to do so once your subscription ends and automatically renews itself.

Finally, we hope you enjoy the new nuclear power-demanding rehashing of the same old faulty features included in this latest update! We promise that it maintains the highest standards of technological over-complication and underachieving performance that our customers have come to expect from us. We’re proud to have increased the industry’s dependency on our products while decreasing their usability to such an extent over the last several decades that the unavoidable trouble-shooting and perpetual fighting against our shitty, bug-infested software means that it now takes longer to accomplish basic tasks than it ever did to do the same damn things by hand in the previous century.