A hard truth is that trauma is not as rare as we hope it would be. Current statistics report approximately 67% of children nationwide have experienced at least one Adverse Childhood Experience. The risk of re-experiencing trauma nearly triples by adulthood after having experienced child abuse or neglect, with women being nearly twice as likely to experience a narcissistic or predatory intimate relationship after experiencing childhood sexual abuse (Herman, 1992). Approximately 6:10 men and 5:10 women in the United States have experienced at least one traumatic event in their lives, and 6% of those people will go on to have a formal diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Trauma doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care what gender you identify with, what color your skin is, what sexual orientation you are, what nationality you identify as, or whether you came from a wealthy family. The impact of trauma in childhood can include: learning problems, learning disabilities, trouble socializing, changes in behavior such as aggression or hyperactivity, sleep problems, and depression or anxiety. In our adult lives, these effects can further generalize to increased use of mental and medical health services, a string of narcissistic or predatory relationships, an inability to work, social isolation, mental health diagnoses, and long-term health problems which range from headaches and high blood pressure, to heart problems and cancer.

With facts like these, it’s little wonder many of us try to distract the hell out of ourselves any way we can and to push the pain as far away as possible through addictions and compulsions.

Distracted Behavior And Process Addictions

When we think of “addiction” and trauma, most of us probably think of drug or alcohol abuse as a way of self-numbing and distracting ourselves. Existing research has found that substance abuse skyrockets as much as 76% following a traumatic event in a person’s life. The risk of drug and alcohol addiction is exacerbated when adding in other factors such as family history, other traumas experienced, mental health problems, poverty, and social isolation.

However, there are other addictions called “process” addictions, or behavioral compulsions that don’t get as much exposure. Process addictions can include: technology, smartphone, gaming, sex, exercise, food, porn, relationships, workaholism, and compulsive buying. As with all compulsive behavior and addiction, they’re used as a way to escape and avoid negative, vulnerable, and painful emotions while giving us a momentary “high” that helps distract us.

What makes these addictions especially insidious is that many of these behaviors can’t be altogether avoided. Many behaviors such as shopping, working, and using our smartphone are part of our daily lives, making it more challenging to accept if an addiction is there, and more difficult to manage it.

Instead of looking at compulsions as a risk for addiction, we can wind up turning to them as a way to distract ourselves from our unprocessed trauma, while self-numbing, emotionally disconnecting and making things worse for ourselves through self-defeating behavior.

…which negatively reinforces the addiction, and in avoiding our pain.

How many times have you felt bored and turned to your phone or a video game for distraction? Or, how many times have you felt a painful flashback from a “discard” or “ghosting” and turned to food, sex, exercise, gaming, or another relationship to self-numb?

This is how “process” addictions work — the process (behavior) itself becomes the addictive property, where the more we engage in it to emotionally disconnect, the greater the risk of developing an addiction.

Red Flags Of A Process Addiction

Process addictions can affect us in a number of ways depending on the type of compulsive behavior we’re engaging in. For example, some compulsive behaviors such as sex, porn, or “chasing” another relationship can increase feelings of deep shame and damage existing relationships. Other process addictions such as excessive exercise, gaming, or smartphone addiction may affect our sleep, put us at risk for an injury, or affect the quality of our relationships, especially when the compulsion takes a front seat in our lives.

All distracted behavior is a form of avoidance, emotional disconnection, and denial. And, all distracted behavior is linked to unprocessed trauma, emotional dysregulation including alexithymia and increased incidences of depression and anxiety.

Your Relationships Are Unsatisfying. A common theme I hear often with my clients is that their relationships are “familiar” and “comfortable” because they’re used to getting involved in toxic relationships. If we grew up in chaos, then chaos will feel comfortable in our lives. A healthy relationship can feel uncomfortable, and even “boring” where a person may find themselves bingeing on video games, turning to porn, having an affair, or “discarding” that relationship for something “comfortable”…and toxic. When these process addictions are seen in relationships, they’re often based on deep shame, guilt, emotional unavailability, a more Avoidant attachment style, and fears of abandonment.

You Have Unresolved Trauma. We may have grown up in a toxic environment where we went unheard, unseen, or otherwise invalidated where we became out of touch with our sense of Self, and our emotions. It’s very common to suffer from deep feelings of anxiety and depression, sometimes in unison, or more commonly vacillating from one to the other. Unresolved early trauma is the #1 predictor for many adult problems that include relational problems, issues with self-image, lowered self-worth, lessened self-esteem, and avoidance of tapping into our unresolved trauma.

If the trauma a person experienced was sexual abuse, they’re at an increased risk for sexual addictions, infidelity, or avoiding relationships altogether for “virtual” smartphone or gaming relationships. If the trauma experienced in childhood surrounded enraged, violent, or negligent parents, a person may find themselves turning to others to validate them such as compulsive workout routines (gym addiction), workaholism, or an excessive amount of relationships — all are used as ways of seeking external validation. Similarly, if a person experienced a negligent childhood, they may become socially awkward, shy away from social situations, and live “virtually” on video games, or smartphone or social media addiction as a way of keeping people at arms-distance so they don’t get hurt or risk feeling vulnerable.

We Feel Anxious If We Slow Down. Tines of peace and quiet will commonly get confused as unsettling, anxiety-provoking, and even something to avoid at all costs. We may be an overachiever, a workaholic, juggling school, family, career, and personal life, or may not be able to unwind at the end of the day. Multitasking is very common with this type of compulsive behavior where we may have our favorite podcast on in our headphones, while banging out a report for work. Or, we may binge video games while listening to music. Process addictions may include: workaholism, shopping addiction, gaming, and food. Because there’s always a need to be busy, there always has to be something we’re doing..or we can feel extremely anxious, angry, or depressed which triggers not feeling “good enough”.

There’s no hard-and-fast rule on “what kind” of compulsive behavior a person may engage in based on their lived experiences. When we decided to stop avoiding, “running”, or emotionally disconnecting from unresolved trauma, we’re also making an informed decision to begin peeling back the layers in understanding ourselves more. Many people find mindfulness helpful in reducing process addictions. However, mindfulness alone is not enough. Other behavioral interventions include behavioral reduction, and introducing healthier alternatives that tap into building self-worth, self-identity, and self-compassion.

I’ve helped thousands over the last 2+ decades to stop reliving old patterns in new relationships while helping them build positive relationships, including the one they have with themselves. I can help you, too. Click here to find out more. Please note, my schedule fills up very fast & I often have a wait list.