I once took a swing at a dude who I think said an untoward thing to a woman I was with at a bar but in my defense, I was an out-of-control alcoholic.

I don’t remember what he said exactly or who the woman was because I was drunk, totaled, just sweating booze but I remember, decades later, the moment I balled up my fist and missed his nose by, at least, the length of a baguette. I missed and he pushed me down and I fell and then I was saved by other losers who pulled me away and only when I was safely in their arms did I really start cussing him out.

This happened so long ago. I don’t think the woman was someone I was dating, just another barfly I was quasi-successfully chatting up, which was a rarity. I can still see her horrified face when I turned and lunged at the dude who saw me coming and I can see his face, too, and he was laughing. I can only assume I looked like an adult who was not in control of his emotions. Which is upsetting to some people, and absolutely hilarious to others.

In the seconds between his insult and my attack, I was visited by my ancestors, generations of macho loudmouth boozers who solved problems with their meat hooks, hurt the ones they loved and died, young, clutching their hearts and wishing they hadn’t wasted so much time being afraid of their feelings. These specters all encouraged me to defend the honor of this woman, who would disappear during the melee, never to return to that dive. She turned out to be the smartest person there. I don’t even think she saw me lose the incredibly brief fracas.

The long-dead princes of testosterone chanted “act like a man” over and over and I acted like a man, which is to say, after I got kicked out of my local I probably stumbled home crying.

I think the guy said something about her size? Maybe? Or did he call me fat? Did I even care about her? Again, I haven't thought about this in years and I wish I could say it was the least embarrassing thing I ever did soused but that would be a lie.

I’m thinking about all this because, last night, during a fancy awards show on live TV, a famous dude told a hacky joke about another famous dude’s wife, and that famous dude walked up to the comedian on the stage and slapped him in front of millions before returning to his seat and cursing. Later, the celebrity who slapped the other celebrity won his first big shiny award ever, and sniveled and babbled and apologized — but not really — while happily accepting his trophy. The dude has been famous his whole life and now he’s infamous, too. Congratulations.

It was quite the spectacle. For a moment, everyone forgot the wars and the plague and our slowly dying planet. Like drunks at a bar, we couldn’t help but gasp and point and judge these two dudes. I was not above it. The conversation online was lacking in nuance, which should not come as a surprise, and the reactions can be divided into two main camps: one celebrity is an abusive psychopath, and the other is an inconsiderate jackass who had it coming. I don’t want to pick a side but why can’t it be a little bit of both and also a little bit of “celebrities are lunatics.”

I’d like to note that the slapper is a superb actor and the slappee is one of the great stand-ups. It’s a bummer this trashy sideshow is part of their career histories.

Here’s a prediction: future historians will write that American-style celebrity in the 20th Century and early 21st was a psychologically deforming experience that crushed a beautiful few under impossible amounts of pressure and applause and praise and no amount of money or luxury is worth being paraded around and cheered and fattened like some painted sacrifice

It’s crazy-making and probably more so if you were a little fragile, to begin with, not to mention the entire “acting” profession is one where, if you get really successful at it, can cause you to confuse your mask and your face.

Celebrities are like living mini-economies and in their orbits are dozens and dozens of people who make a good living working for them. So I’m certain trusted advisors are whispering sweet nothings into the ears of both of these well-known men, and plans are being hatched in order to manage this public relations crisis.

So as an openhearted favor, I will be embarrassed for both of them. They both, honestly, should ask for forgiveness, whether or not anyone is in the mood to give it. It’s good for the soul. Even the guy who took the slap. It wouldn’t kill him to tell the celebrity’s wife, who is herself a pretty rad celebrity, that he’s sorry for making a joke about her hair, he didn’t know she lives with an autoimmune condition, etc, etc.

I have compassion for both these men. I do. I have said thoughtless things that I thought were funny but were, actually, hurtful. And I have been a guy utterly overwhelmed by anger, unmoored by emotions I can’t understand in the moment. I can’t relate to being rich and powerful and famous but I can definitely relate to being stupid and I don’t know any other word for it. It takes intelligence and courage to use your words to communicate what is going on in your heart and head. If “stupid” is too crude then I can relate to not stopping and thinking. I can relate to being a coward.

And there definitely are times when being angry is appropriate but slapping someone like a mad king because they told a joke that made you feel things you didn’t like feeling — shame, hate, horror, sadness, fear — is inappropriate. But everyone knows this. C’mon.

I also read posts on social media from both men and women who celebrated a man defending his woman. I am also sympathetic to this idea. It’s a crap idea but it’s romantic in a deeply childish and superficial way. When I did it, of course, I was just reacting, like a donkey kicking its hind legs because it was threatened. I’m sure I thought I was defending a woman I desperately wanted to make out with but I was mostly showing off? I was also defending my own self-esteem, which is pathetic?

But the idea. The idea. I get it.

A man defends the weak, right? He fights for those who ask for help. He sticks up for his friends and family. Yes. Absolutely. A person should stand by those they love. A person should show concern for those in need. These are all virtues but modern masculinity is a simplistic violence-based philosophy handed down over generations that frees men from having to take responsibility for their words, actions, and feelings and replaces those basic human duties with an unerring faith in brute force. It is an easy one-skillet recipe for life and it is an unhappy way to live.

What does “defend a woman’s honor” even mean? Isn’t that an ancient sentiment from the good ol’ days of chivalry when women were basically furniture? They were extensions of their husbands and if they were mocked then that meant the man was being mocked and then, like, huzzah fight me, or some shit? My point is: honor is another word for a man’s engorged ego.

As a drunk, I’ve lost two fights and one of them was to a wall. So I’m a little bit of an expert when it comes to sloppy men behaving sloppily. The slapper needs someone in his life to tell him he was wrong. That’s the truth but that won’t happen. The slappee needs some better jokes.