My entire life has changed in the last 18 months.

A year ago, I was at a soul-sucking job that was uninspiring. I knew I wasn’t meant to be there. I didn’t want to do any ‘job’; I wanted to do my own thing because the 8-hour workday and office politics didn’t appeal to me.

But I didn’t know what my thing would be until I started side hustling.

I’ve been self-employed for 8 months, and things are as good as they can be. My audience is growing across platforms. People seem to enjoy my words. I’m earning incredibly well because of multiple sources of income.

The thing is, I think I need to stop feeling like I have to take over the world.

The highs are too high

At the time of writing this, I woke up to making $$$ in my sleep. These days come by now and then, giving you an unbeatable high.

I didn’t know I could ever sell anything. Since day one, I have focussed on delivering value and overdelivering where I can — creating mostly for free and charging for very little.

I was shocked that people wanted to pay.

I didn’t want to build a course. It was an experiment that went well. And hence that led to another cohort, and another one, and so on.

Imagine one person spending their workday on a desk facing the trees with a shelf full of books on the right. They experience these highs, things take unbelievable turns, and it feels too good to be true.

These are too big of dopamine hits to take in alone.

But all that shines isn’t gold.

The love does that too. People believe in me more than I believe in myself, which helps me combat self-doubt.

Trust me, this is 93474893 times more gratifying than any amount of money. When somebody tells you you’ve impacted them directly and made a difference in their lives, it feels so much better than anything monetary.

Again, on some days this is so unreal that you slip into anxiety to feel if feeling this great will last, and what will happen once all this goes.

Deep-rooted insecurities get the better of me

Maybe this anxiety comes from my deep-rooted insecurity about money since I was a kid.

My mum is a single mum and didn’t go to college as she married at 18. Her life wasn’t easy at all. Sometimes finances were an issue, and I knew then that I wanted to make good money.

But when I started working, I realized how little India’s corporate sector offers and how slow the growth is.

The insecurity grew larger and larger.

So even when I make money right now, I invest most of it because my insecurity tells me this won’t come tomorrow. Every month, I feel I need to work extra hard, so I don’t slip.

Luckily, I haven’t created a hamster wheel. I don’t feel I need to make more the next month or hit a target. And I know I’ll make enough.

I suppose the issue is being too attached to growing.

Going up all this while and being afraid to miss the next big step. Unable to take a break because there’s always room for more.

Social media has 18-year-olds doing so well with six-figure businesses. But at any age, there will always be people who’re ahead of you regardless of their age.

After talking to a bunch of writers who were older than me, our conversation moved from writing to life in general.

I realized that sometimes I just need to be 25… you know?

These writers were in their forties and fifties and gave me golden nuggets. They told me that the life they planned at 25, none of that really happened. It doesn’t always happen the way it does, and that’s good because life takes its own trajectory.

So the things I’m worrying about probably won’t even matter.

The next month I’m worried about… it’ll probably be okay.

The next plan I’m worried about… it’ll happen.

Because it has been, so far.

And even when it hasn’t, things have turned out just fine.