Thank you for taking the time to share this, Derek. Really great stuff -- just being present with our kids, or anyone else for that matter is a win for everyone. I need to do it more.

This is very good. I need to be doing more of this. Thanks for the timely post Derek.

I'm going to find a man like you to have babies with.
I hope while your family is away you watch captain fantastic if you haven't seen it already. Funny being present with your kid is so counter culture now....

Keep up the greatness!

Awesome Derek! That's exactly what parenting is all about.

I think I'm in love with you Derek Sivers.
☺

I think we subconsciously project ourselves into those whom we're grooming, whether it's our child or a mentee. We look for the same qualities and hope to cultivate the same interests. I suppose it's just our ego unconsciously guiding us to leave a legacy in those whom we groom.

Agree on all this. Letting go of the phone is the biggest one for me.

No time like the present to be present.

Happy happy happy belated Dads' Day to you, DS.

Thanks for sharing this Derek. It's spot on. It's quite a natural parenting method which most of us have lost touch with because we've filled our lives with so many other responsibilities and distractions. This is a reminder to try to bring it back to the true basics and what's more important.

I just spent the last 3 1/2 years with my step daughter who was 10 when I met her.

I loved her spirit and singing in the shower. It was weird having a live camera in the house as she's walking around talking to her friends on an iPad. My schedule is 5 hours ahead of theirs and it was very difficult to have her mom cook dinner and then listen to her daughter pick it apart every night in a negative way like it was a game show. I was also dealing with her real dad and another step dad who were in the picture.

Word of advice, when she got a phone at 12 her life completely changed. I feel sorry for parents navigating this nowadays.

Anyhow, I'm almost divorced and they moved right down the street in the same neighborhood. Her mom says her daughter doesn't like me, and she has a new boyfriend (mom does) and I stay away from them as this is very hard on the heart.

This morning I found out she ran away last night and a helicopter was called in to find her. Eventually they found her later after the helicopter had to retreat due to fog.

I wish I could've been around when she was 5, but she was 10 when I met her.

I'm so glad I never had a phone or iPad during my childhood.

I didn't spend nearly enough time with my kid, but I do now. Everything you're doing is awesome. Imagine a world where adults cared so much about the future (which is after all, our kids).

Everything about 21st century education is stuck in the industrial age of 9 to 5, and no one in any government I've seen has the guts to call it out.

I hope your kid chooses to become president of wherever he decides to live one day. He will actually understand more than most what this planet is about.

Good on you Derek (I know you don't need praise, but this is some anyway).

Hi Derek,

This subject was one of the parts of your life expression that I really resonated with during one of your chats with Tim Ferriss, and I always wanted to know a little more.

Thank you very much for doing so.

It is a wonderful idea and expression of love.
And beyond what it brings you, I am fascinated by the impact having a 100% present parent can and will have on a child and how it will manifest as an adult.

I can only see wonderful things.

Be well.

PS.
YOUR PS was excellent.

Derek-

Great post. I try to adhere to the points regarding the phone usage with my friends and loved ones. Here is a big thing I grapple with: While I am highly conscious of my phone usage among those people, they don't always reciprocate, and I'm often left feeling "alone together" (ht: Sherry Turkle) while I'm in the same room as them or in the car with them. Any advice on this?

Thanks,

Beau

We exchanged emails once before about Iceland. This post is so beautiful and touching. I dont think i could have done that when my kids were young. I get to hang with my young friends kids and i now have no agenda but theirs. You done good papa. Respectfully, Laura

Loved this!!! Hi Derek it's The Michelle Nagy! Lol
Love&Laughter!
Michelle

Thanks for sharing. I can relate how much my short attention span is ruining my focus on my work. Your kid is going to have a tremendous advantage later on in his life.

A book Deep Work fro Cal Newport comes to mind how to cultivate focus. Have are the rest of you finding focus?

Sounds like a great kid.

It's funny that this article should come out right now, as I've been thinking about these things for myself. Not parenting -- I'm nowhere near ready for that -- but specifically cultivating the long attention span (funnily enough, something I learned about on the Tim ferriss show, which also introduced me to you, Derek) and entering the mind of childhood.

I recalled recently how unimpressed I was, when I was a kid, with the imaginations of all the adults around me. It seemed like they just didn't "get it." A single lego, to me, contained a whole universe of possibilities that seemed off limits to them. I've been trying to get back to that place to a while. If you figure out how to get there, please let me know.

LC

When I was 5, I was almost always with other kids, often a half dozen or more of them. We had to learn to negotiate shared activities, or else we played alone, which was also totally fine. We lived in the woods on a mountain in Alaska, but amazingly there were quite a few other kids my age within walking distance, as well as older siblings, cousins, a baby sibling, and other age kids around the mountainside. The parents were usually pretty busy doing the food/cleaning/working/repairing tasks, although we all had chores and worked together on them.
I love that you spend 5 hours with your kid playing sticks, and I wish my parents had taken more of an interest in my interests, but is he learning to play with other kids as well? Kids having to persuade other kids to play with sticks for 5 hours teaches some seriously valuable diplomacy skills, and it's nice to be able to relate. When I was a kid, we all built forts together with adult tools in the woods, out of sight of adults. It was a bit like Neverland, actually, except we'd hear the whistle and come out of the woods for meals, or go inside to get patched up (or send someone in to grab the first aid kit and bring it out, so we wouldn't bleed on the carpet, as often as not).
I wonder what it would have been like to have more adults play with us. I guess they played sports with us, and taught us chess, and took us hiking and swimming. My aunt taught us to make fun crafts, but then left us to play with them with each other. And there were lots of book-reading and library trips, although we could all read to ourselves by 5. We read to each other out loud a lot. We were taken to the opera also, which was cool.
Not much adult/child imagination play, though. I'm curious how your sole adult-interacting kid will be different from "Peter Pan/lost boy/girl" kids like me. I wonder how things will feel for him in school. A year-from-now follow-up on this topic would be fascinating, if you're interested. Also, have you read about birth-order psychology? I found it to be completely true for me and my plethora of siblings, and my only-child adult roommates (they acted very grown up and were wonderfully tidy).

Love this post. I was a live-in nanny for five years, looking after a boy from the age of eight to thirteen (his age, not mine!).

I had just finished university a year earlier, and spent most of my free time playing the family's piano, singing, drawing, and freelance writing for local magazines and newspapers.

When I was looking after him, we spent a lot of time doing his school work - but really discussing it, and why it was important (or not). We watched Star Trek: The Next Generation together, and talked about the plots, and our favourite characters (his - Data; mine - Picard). I drove him to singing lessons and piano lessons and choir rehearsals and play rehearsals (he was a child actor doing amateur, and then professional, theatre). On those drives we talked about what was going on in his life, or the things he cared about. (Or we sang show tunes along with the car stereo).

I never really thought much at the time about whether I was a good influence on him or not. But I felt honored and humbled many years later, when he reached out to me as an adult and told me that he loved doing many of the same things he had seen me doing during those five years, including drawing. He's now a professional performer, and I'm so proud of his projects. He's an amazing human being.

More importantly, like you I've realized that I got just as much or more value out of our time together than he did. Helping him focus on his homework taught me about my own focus, and my own bad habits of attention and thinking. Talking about Data's incomprehension of humour led me to realize how much of comedy is about laughing at others' pain. Letting him use swear words around me taught me about context, and the power that comes from being able to choose just the right word. Debating with him during our long car rides helped me deconstruct my own unconscious biases and beliefs.

Thanks for all you do.

Good effort, Derek. Admirable too, since being a 'present' parent is one of life's more difficult tasks, especially in this modern 'connected/disconnected' world.

That said, with regards to child-rearing, you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Everything you expose a child to will make them feel inclusive but may also alienate them later. Some of the most resilient children I know (think 'at risk' or foster kids) are ones who have been neglected, while children like my own, who have known nothing but focussed attention, can struggle in the world as they progress from single to double digit years.

Show them love, minimise trauma, respect their voice. These things won't ensure a perfect life for a child, but they will go some way to making sure they have an easier one. Except when it doesn't...!! ;)

It's because parenting's such a touchy subject that people are hungry for your inspiration, Derek. Someone who encouraged me to write more got through to me when she said, "You're not saying people should do what you do. You're saying they could."
☺ — Derek

Fantastic, thank you for sharing this!

Nice- really nice. I was lucky enough to see what a difference it makes when parents spend time with their kids. A couple I knew had two kids. Normally, when I visited them, things would play out in the manner I had come to expect. Within about ten minutes of my arrival, I would hear, once again, "OK, that's it! You're getting a time out!"- followed, of course by crying.
The mother was a teacher and could take the summer off. One year, the father decided he would take the summer off too. I visited them about two months into the summer vacation and it was like a different family. No fuss, no drama- just mellow kids and mellow parents.

It's not real hard to do all the tasks
I think what You're really trying to say is that finding joy in being apart of something or someone is the sharing love and happiness and joy comes from the love we see in one another. I and I meaning we are each other.

So lovely. Kids really are awesome. They are like pure water. I used to wonder how you are as dad. Your son is lucky to have you as father. I wish you more lovely moments ahead. ☺

I don't have kids but I plan to in the next couple of years. I believe parents try to give their kids a better life through more education, imagination, and encouragement. As I reflect, I wish I read more, learned more languages, and formed more lasting friendships in my youth. I want to teach my child to be excited about these things because I missed out on enriching my world and don't want to deprive my child of this.

As long as parents are teaching and learning with their kids, without trying to force an unaccomplished dream on their children, I believe it is admirable. You and your son are growing for the right reasons.

I enjoyed the post. Thanks for sharing!

You are butiful, your son is butiful, your relationship is butiful, keep doing what you are doing it's wonderful, and he loves you!

Awesome post! Even selfless acts ultimately benefit the person doing them. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Connection - good parenting can be distilled down to connecting with your kids. Seeing them as the individuals that they are and then helping them to navigate the development process. I don't think there is any one way to do this.

Derek! I so wish I read this when Arnav was young. I love the part about long attention span. We often hurry our kids for our convenience instead of being at their pace. Even though Arnav is 13 now, I am going to try some of these ideas. Keep writing. I love reading your ideas ... always

That is a lovely and thoughtful post. Your approach to parenting is intelligent and warm. But what resonates most with me is the idea that giving love and care and time to another is a two-way street. We get what we give; we learn from what we teach; we learn to understand and empathize with others when we try to show others what understanding and empathy are. We learn what joy is when we try to give others joy.

This is very vague, I know. I am not a parent. But I have worked with children, with young adults, and with animals. I always walked away gaining more than I gave. That was never my intent. But when you open your heart and mind to others (and it is almost impossible not to when playing with or teaching an innocent child, animal, whomever) they fill that heart and mind with their joy, their curiosity, and their love of life and learning.

I'm a new widow and 62 years old now. I got married because I wanted to have a baby. My husband wasn't honest with me and I later learned he just wasn't interested in having another child. He thought His daughter should be enough for me. She was 17 when she came into my life and I never tried to mother her, I only tried to be a good role model. I didn't leave him and stayed married until he died in January. I had been married before and my family ridiculed me about that and I felt shame and guilt and stayed in a lopsided marriage for 30 years. I often thought having a child would have helped me to become a fuller and happier person because of my own deprivation due to my biological mother abandoning me when I was 2. I thought that would have been a selfish reason for having a child, and back then options weren't available for someone without much money and/or support. I also thought I should be married and wanted my child to know and be with his Father. I regret not pursuing it and wish I had been more selfish. I can no longer experience being a Mother but have thoughts of becoming a foster parent or adopting a child now. It's frightening to think of doing it alone and at my age. I hope others reading this will have the courage I did not and do whatever it takes to make themselves and a child happy. I always wanted a boy, because I was close to my dad since he never rejected me. What a lucky boy you have Derek, and what a lucky and kind Man you are too. Thank you for sharing.

What a beautiful post about parenting, thank you for sharing it, it's probably the best post I have read since becoming a mom 3 years ago. Love it!

Follow-up on my wild Alaskan childhood... I think you're probably right, my parents might have taught us to do so many activities that we could do with each other and without them because that was good for them as well as for us. Teaching us to be interdependent with each other and as independent as possible from them gave them some much-needed time to their adult things like secular and house work. I'm sure our independence was largely a survival strategy for them.
But yeah, they also probably would have gotten bored with some of our activities, and I totally commend you for working on improving your attention and patience. Your son won't likely grow to feel that he has to compete for your individual interest and acceptance, and that will probably build trust which may help his self-worth down the line. By contrast, I felt like I was raised in an adventurous and beautiful orphanage run by our parents. Not much individual devotion... but good behavioral training, lots of kids to play with, and clean clothes and meals. I can't relate when people say their parent is their best friend. My parents were parents, they did their parenting like a job and taught us to not need them, and to find what we needed outside of them.
I guess they got to see the world fresh through our eyes. I hope we did something to improve our parents' lives. I wonder if they ever thought about it...
I love that you feel enriched by parenting and that you have time to think about it.
I do hope your child has kid friends too. Your not mentioning his friends doesn't mean he doesn't, of course. You can try to get on his level, and it's awesome that you do so now before he's a teen, but realistically, only another 5-year old can truly get on his level and share that authentic, fresh wonder of first discovery. How do you feel about watching him play with another kid and ignoring you? Is it just as developmental for you?

Thanks for sharing this! My son turned 1 last month, and I've been trying to broaden our inputs, but your suggestions will help me really go above and beyond.

My son's current favorite is the Marble Machine (https://youtu.be/IvUU8joBb1Q ).. whenever I put it on, he just sits still and takes it in. I'll try to protect and encourage that focused attention like you have with your son; it goes against the grain of the society we live in and create, but it seems like a very important ability.

As I sit here with my 5 year old son, reading this on my iPhone and he is on his iPad. We have some work to do on this note. But, I do spend many hours with him a week. And I beleive that the time with him is well spent. You have to shape them into good people. The exterior world won't do that for you. Our children have been raised by us. Not Day care. We have made many sacrifices to do this. But it is enjoyable. I am sure you enjoy your time with your son the same. Cheers, Derek.

I'm childless and 50+ but this piece really resonates with me. I'm going to start doing these things with my inner child (maybe even the Disney/Pixar) -- never too late or too early to start!

Derek, I love this post. I really enjoy all of your posts, but this one was very touching, and so wise. I have an 11 year old son, so I can relate. We live in such a short attention span world full of technological distractions, and it's so important turn off our gadgets and tune in to our environment around us, and especially our children. Thank you for this.

Hello Glorious Derek!
I'm so grateful to see your connections and hear about your emotional connection on helping to raise a thriving child. How absolutely gorgeous! I've actually been cultivating and creating a learning community where young people can follow their passions and their curiosity for as many hours within a day as they decide. Do you know much about the Sudbury Education model? If not, you might want to check it out. I've been building up on that model and bringing in my large amount of contacts so that when a child tells me their dream or the things they're curious about, I do my best to connect them directly to those people ...who enthusiastically meet in the creative space with that young person.
I'm now heading out to turn off my devices and spend time with my children. I'm so grateful you're thriving with in this world. Thank you for your continued gifts. Shine on-

This is exactly the way to teach ourselves as we learn from our children. I love kids they are so observant. Innocents is seeing life as it is. Discovering something old as new. This is the best way to slow it down. To get perspective you get clarity and joy. I'm glad you are writing again. It does reach many of us. Thank you.

the kids gonna be a genius! Keep up the great parenting, very few kids have that nowdays.

This is just beautiful Derek! I'm so glad you shared it. I'm curious to know how old your son is.
Also, I totally agree with letting him decide if and when he wasn't to have an online personality. I lost that battle with my wife and our 16 month old is all over Instagram. :)

Hey Derek ... what an amazing experience for you and your son. Also great you're not plastering photos of him all over the interwebs. There are some of my kiddos but I've erred on the side of minimal photos online. I recall sometimes taking my kids to the swings and staying on the swings until they wanted to stop and yes it was hours - the most I think was 2.5 or so.

The question I would have - if you've been able to 'parenting' your work 30hours a week through your previous and current entrepreneurial craft and success - for those parents that are in paid work 30-50hours per week what would the listicle to transition and step into really present parenting time to make the most of the quantity and quality parenting time?
Sorry I have no idea. I really wasn't trying to be prescriptive. I don't know (or really care) how other parents do it. Hopefully someone else will answer from experience. I only know my own. — Derek

Derek, great post. You would get a lot from the book The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary. It will further what you've explored in this post and help you to see how your son is transforming you in ways you likely haven't realized.

"I’ve been deliberately cultivating his long attention span."

And why not ? Just because your incredible intention span has served you well, his could be better still. And together , you make a habit already good into real greatness.

I still work on my weaknesses, but sometimes I think personal growth is most robustt when working on our strengths.

And besides... oh wait,
our younger teen just came in the door :)

Great post and very inspiring as a new parent myself. Thank you! Random story: I walked into Barnes N Nobles this week to pick up a copy of "Ego is the Enemy" (as per your last recommendation) While there I was in search for a book to help inspire a friend and stumbled across "When God Winks At you" which tells a variety of short coincidental stories aka "God Winks." As soon as I returned to my car with these 2 books in hand, my phone pinged with a new post from Derek Sivers. Felt like a pretty cool coincidence if you catch my drift ;)
Holy shit! To everyone else reading this, I met Greg when he was 9 years old and his mom brought him to record demos in my recording studio. That was the last time I saw him. Since then he was in a successful boy band (Dream Street) and now I find out through this comment that he's 32 and is a new dad! SO SO SO cool! ☺ — Derek

Bravo!!! It is so hard to turn off the phone. Love what you're doing. It's for ALL of us!

Beautiful.
Interesting that I'm editing an interview with a parenting coach right now, so parenting is very much on my mind!
One of the most interesting things in my interview which your post reminds me of is the acknowledgement that parenting is a relationship - we as parents aren't just downloading stuff, we also have the opportunity to create a bond and relationship with another human, and also learn so much from them. Being able to be in the moment is a delightful thing many kids can teach, but each child will also have other unique gifts to give us as parents if we pay attention.

Derek! Good Man! You r doing it RIGHT! I'm trying to do similar thing with my 3 girls, but it's not always easy bring a touring musician and all...
And I join in on the earler suggestion about watching Captain Fantastic - a very refreshing movie indeed about cool and unconventional child upbringing, though most of it seems quite normal to me...

Derek, Hi. Glad you are doing well with your son. I read your parenting essay.
It reminds me a lot of something that Lucinda Williams, songwriter, said once: she said, that songs come to her like a rush of thoughts that don't linger with her very long. When they do come, she has to write them down or they may never return. Then she has to wait for another one to come to her, and try to capture that one. It looks like you have developed a way to focus on things that are not emanating from you, yet you are fascinated with the mind of your son that is capturing things in his mind. It is a rare thing to do in today's fast paced and ego-centric world that we live in now. I can only relate that to my father and my relationship. He was born in 1923. He was raised in absolute poverty, in a rural area where there were no roads to take to come in or out of the place, called East Lake, NC. He met my mother after world war 2. He entered the workforce with only a 7th grade education. Still he soldiered through all the snide comments and insidious naysayers of who he was and how much he was going to accomplish. During the war, he was aboard the USS Bunker Hill carrier. They got hit by multiple kamikaze planes that exploded their bombs on the decks. He only mentioned it one time to me when I was about five years old. He had a hard back Bunker Hill book that showed photos of all the shipmates. We went page by page. He showed me who got killed and commented on how he knew them. I did not fully appreciate the carnage and horrible gruesome situation he lived through on that day and the days that followed as they limped back to Bremerton, WA. One of his shipmates on board was the very young Paul Newman. I understand, Paul was the only one of his group that survived that day. I never heard Paul mention anything about being on the carrier. It was only as I matured that I understood better, I think, what drove Paul and my father to do what they did with their life. My father did not have the money that Paul did, but he did have an excellent speaking voice, and could tell stories from many years ago, without writing anything down. He turned that art into being a preacher, to tell people that there is a way to turn your thoughts and meditation to the eternal one, and you will be safe. Paul did the same with his charity. So they both gave what they could given their circumstances. You, Derek, are doing the same, with your gift of time and being able to listen and participate as his mind journeys on to figure out how things work in this life. Your son will remember I feel certain. My father wasn't perfect. He could not spend a great deal of time with me. He had commitments and had to work very hard to make a living. I suspect as Paul's children were growing up, his acting commitments took him away from them too. Lord, I miss my father. Your time with your son, will come to his aid as he thinks back. Just one more thing, that I just remembered. Your son reminds me a lot of me growing up and concentrating on things for extended periods of time. I did not play much with my father, but I developed a way of playing by myself for hours by taking my dog, and pointed stick out into the woods a fields, and made the landscape my world, as if I was in a plane about 3,000 feet up, and I made little holes in the ground where I said there were villages here and there. Some were a half a mile apart. I constructed societies in every village, and I would weave tales about what the people were doing. All the while, my dog, or dogs would be sniffing around, just glad to be out roaming. It was my early form of meditative way of thinking. I really enjoyed it. Thanks Derek, for stopping me and my thoughts long enough to go back all those years ago. I want to read your other entries later. I have to rest my back.

THANK GOD and Hallelujah. Also, I want to be a cat in Paris while stick building!!

Great great stuff. I love this!

The last part is so counterculture :) and I support

P.S. You won’t find his name or face online. I don’t think it’s right to put someone online without their permission. He’ll put himself online when he’s ready.

I think this is beautiful.... well rounding your kid and creating a limitless world. GOD bless you your adding to, rather than taking from.

Interested to know what you teach him about God and spirituality. I'm trying to decide that with my 4 yr old. I understand this topic could be quite a firestorm so I understand if you don't answer ☺

As a father, grandfather, and great grandfather I can tell you that you are an excellent father and your son is fortunate to have you as a father. The fact that you get as much from loving him as he does is a good thing . You are cultivating a love in your son that will come back to you a hundred fold and as importantly will be shared with his children and those in his world as you do in yours. The thing I've liked about you most is how you are a brave and bold prisoner of love

Great reading this. Time is running so fast, you will never regret this. And yes there is more happiness in giving than receiving. Being happy is also personal in a certain way.
I have a daughter, Sorenza. She likes guitar & singing. Imagine my surprise after 10 years being out of this business. A kind of comeback (for hobby) but yes, my attention to her is also my happiness as well as from time
to time reading bible stories together...
Here in Lombok, there are not too much cultural activities, it is more about nature & beaches ☺

All the best,
Jean-Paul.

You inspire me, Derek... always have.

I'm the stay-at-home (now homeschooling) dad, and I've always tried to do these very things with my kids (8 & 6). Some days I'm more successful than others, but it's always a fun, exhilarating, exhausting job!

I'm glad you're back to writing more frequently: keep it up!

Simply beautiful, Derek. A gift to us as well as you and your son. With a hint of the most wonderful Janusz Korczak. Thank you.

My son has those pajamas as well!

Loved the article Derek. Thank you.
They're pajamas? ☺ — Derek

You are great and wonderful. Great thoughts on parenting and finding one's place...thanks for your work.

Guru Stu
kaivala.com

pretty spectacular Derek. I love the part of giving him his own self determinism when it comes to playing. I remember I never told my daughter "be careful" when we want to the park. If anything it was "be dangerous". Sounds like its been avery productive 5 yrs and will only get better and you get into conversations and viewpoint sharing. Cant wait to read about it.
Denice

The love you demonstrate will be multiplied many times over.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Love your approach.
A couple counter points :)
1. I think spending that kind of time is selfless. It's a blast, and I enjoy it, but it is pretty selfless and you should be proud of being able to spend that kind of time.
2. I have 4 little kids and it's tough to let every one do what they want because they typically want to wander in different directions. I feel they have learned valuable lessons in splitting time 4 ways...
3. I think many people do not have the luxury to play at the park for 3-5 hours.
4. Do you worry that promoting hours and hours of doing what the child wants may give him the impression that the world revolves around him?

Thanks again for sharing how you raise your little man!

T

i loved reading this.

it is refreshing to me to read about full-attention, broad perspective parenting. it is so hard to do, but so rewarding!

maybe if you were to write more about this, you could say something about breaking this into smaller, more doable chunks. i feel like a lot of people in this wage-slave economy worry that since they can't do full-time parenting like this, that this sort of intentional parenting is impossible.

but i don't think it is! as with most intimidating tasks, breaking it into smaller, achievable pieces can make it less daunting to attempt.

just my $0.02; great post either way.

Hi Derek,

It was so wonderful to read your thoughts on parenting today being a parent and entrepreneur myself with a 2 year old daughter.

Loved your reflections and it really is amazing to think about the development of the brain over these early years and how much they can absorb...

I read a book The Absorbent Mind by Maria Montessori recently and found it so fascinating.

Thanks for your reflections - I enjoyed reading how someone like you parents..

I didn't realise you actually had a child.

Best
Elise
Melbourne

Wow, what a great dad you are! Your kid is lucky. :)

Wow!
This is so cool Derek.
Some back story about me.

I Hated school becuse I was a bit dyslectic so when I was 15 and had to choose direction I decided to study something practical like a program called children and freetime. It was a program that would teach me the basics on how to work with children. Since My first year of high school (1995) I have been In the childrens world. After high school I got a job and from 1998 -2016 I been working with children mostly age 1-7 years. Because I wasnt a trained teacher I always was the one who was in the middle of the kids world. Helpng them solving conflicts, playing, inspire and teaching them to play better, creating adventures and being there for them when they where sad and so on.

I consider myself as an expert in childrens play and I have always taken their play serius an helped them creating cool adventures and so on. With that said. I Love what you are doing for your son. Letting him play and being in his zone. I think you are doing something that 98 % of todays parents are not and a know that the world would be a better place IF more parents had your view on how to be a great role model. Many parents don't know how to play and I have had My thougts to coach, inspire and teach how to be a creative and inspiring parent in the kids world of play.
The cool thing is that I finally got My own kid. He is 10 months And thanks for reminding me on how to be a great role model in the kids world. Would Love to talk more with you about this in the future.

Your Swedish friend Mikael

Love this post. And your respect for your sons privacy. Thanks Derek.

In 18 years, I have grown at least twice as much (as a person) than my daughter. Yes, parenting is for/about parents - just as much as it is about your kids.

I've grown more patient and tolerant. See the world through an entirely different perspective than before. Become better at adapting to sudden stress and crises. Am more keenly aware of the environment. Pay more attention to socio-economic and political shifts (because of how they may impact my daughter's future!). Lost a lot of my self-importance and self-obsession... the list could go on and on.

And though I like to believe that many values and ideas have also been transferred into a younger brain from mine in the process, even if it later turns out that it hasn't happened, I'd still consider the parenting journey one well worth undertaking... for the effect and impact it has had on ME!

But you're right. There's no one "correct" parenting style or method. What works for me - may not, for you. And that's just fine. What's a constant is that parenting works... on (and for) everyone!

P.S. - Something similar happens when you raise pets like kids, too. I've blogged about lessons Muffin taught me here - http://www.DrMani.com/seize-life/

P.P.S. - A quote of Jay Abraham's comes to mind. "The most selfish thing you can do is to be selfless!"

Derek,
You get it.
My son is 22 now. Awesome man, totally bonded to the family, third strand of our collective dna.

Simple formula. I told him "I Love You!" 100 times a day from the moment he emerged from the womb. I held his little hand through the first hours of his life, and never really let go.

He got freedom to make his own discoveries, at his insanely fast pace, and made his mistakes, like discovering electricity hurts. He learned when dad warns ya, you listen.

So today, we collect classic cars, ride motorcycles, he mixes me live as we raise money for charities with The Candle of Hope(.org)

Congrats on raising a cool kid!

Having 2 children with ADHD I've come to learn to continue focusing on what they like. Sometimes we may not understand but if they're happy and get a sense of accomplishment from what they're doing for hours, then I feel it's time well spent.

Derek, Thanks for sparking my memories...I too have experienced hours of exploration with my daughter. She is now 20, those times were amazing and today I have to say we have a special bond that was created from those countless hours of inventive fun... Love the PS....a legal twist on a powerful message...Awesome thanks for sharing.

i think that's extraordinary ! You're a good man Derek

You are on a good track, Derek! You are also laying a foundation of memories that you both will share for life. It's time best spent! About enjoying the activities yourself, I'm reminded of non-parenting time: time I have spent cleaning up a spill I did not make, or straightening a cabinate that was someone else's responsibility. Inevitably, I have had to race over that (now dry) floor, or grab a tool from the cabinate that I never would have known was there if I hadn't taken the time to straighten it "for someone else". It wound up being for "me"! And your stance on your child's privacy is laudable. Very generous of you to share.

Wow! Great reading for parents

wow im cryin' !! what great karma he has with u derek as dad!! he is old soul an came to open u heart, imagination and help u spread u wings higher !

he chose share his magic with derek sivers!!
maybe he is your angelguide

Derek, It is all Cats in the Cradle for too many parents. I/m so glad you have that direct connection of endearing love for your son.
All is well here in Pennsylvania, Don't you miss the smell of Hershey ?
Thanks for sharing !
Be well,
Mothman

How lucky you both are.

Hi Derek. I have a 5 year old with a very short attention span so a lot of the time we spend playing highly active games and made up sports. I love not having to play by any set rules and the fact we both end up winning.

Derek, you encapsulated a concept I have been ruminating on with this piece. I use the phrase vicarious self discovery. With neither taking precedence, our interactions teach us as much about ourselves as they do our focus. In an abject manner the same can be also said for all aspects of our environment. People included. The same as we are the average of the five people we surrounded ourselves with most, so too by extension are all things our focus touches. I have come to feel neither myself nor environment takes precedence. Both service a need for growth. Though, only one shares it.

As a brand new dad, with an almost 9 month old son, this coming into my email inbox today was absolutely perfect. Thanks for writing it and thanks for sharing it. I never would have guessed that signing up with cdbaby many years ago would eventually lead to reading inspirational and helpful dad advice!

Derek, I think parents do what they can. Firstly, I'm sure you'd agree you have the luxury of spending this kind of time with your son. Most parents don't. I'm not a parent, but I see my 30/40-something friends run ragged due to requiring a double income just to get by. Parenting ain't what it used to be. Secondly, I would have commended you on your incredible patience but, as it turns out, you enjoy the time you spend with your son as much as he does, which is great! In both cases, you're very lucky. In any case, it sounds like you're an awesome dad, and I have no doubt your son is going to be an amazing person thanks to the foundations you've laid and, well, just good genes. 😉 You rock.

Just beautiful, brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

Hi Derek,

A good, thoughtful article. Glad that you're enjoying parenting. I've had my share of it years ago. It does give me a lot of thought and reflection. Part of it is 'mindfulness' when interacting with an offspring, giving him the fullest attention. In my observation, not many people are able to practice this, the younger generation being hooked on digital devices themselves, that their children are not always uppermost in their minds when interacting with them. I think this is a sad state of affairs. I wish you well in your parenting journey.

Poh S. Lim

Thanks for the thoughts. Will do the same to my nephew and niece.

As a proud parent of 40 years, Never make a "play-date". Ever. No one ever made one for me and I can't thank them enough. Just one man's opinion.

Darn good post btw. Thanks.

Beautiful. Thank you.

When I started parenting I realized that each day with my children was an opportunity to repair something that was broken or lost in my own childhood. It was like getting a second chance, only from the other side.

I enjoyed these words probably more than anything you have ever sent for me to read. It is true. Children are really teachers. When we get out of the way and realize that selflessness has nothing to do with our experience of them and we just fall in to the meditation of living and playing, we learn what they came here to teach us, so thank you.

Hi Derek,

To me, you are doing the right thing. My advise is to keep doing what you are doing and don't send him to school. School is designed to kill all those things you are developing. Read Gatto's "Dumbing Us Down" to get the idea of how it works. I am a musician and homeschooled all my kids similar to the way you are doing and it is/was fantastic.

I'm so impressed by this. Please write more on this subject. People need to know that it's possible to raise kids this way or even just to be this way as an adult.

i love this. it actually brought tears to my eyes because it reminds me of my own childhood. i'm one of five, and we're all within eight years of each other. my mother was the absolute best damn mom, and everyday was filled with enchantment, care and undying love.

although i don't want children, i actually miss spending time with them for all the reasons you say.

thanks for this.

Thanks for sharing this. My boys are 5 and 1.5 - thirty hours per week would be amazing. A book on how to make that happen. Hmmmm?

Hi Derek,
Great thoughts and experiences you shared here. Thank you.
I liked that you waited until the time was right for you to share your thoughts about parenting.
Steven

There is a high spiritual intelligence that comes into play when we stay present for a time. When you and your son are in the forest, playing with limbs and twigs, parts of your connection with each other start to activate that wouldn't do so any other way. I greatly appreciate what your doing and how you wrote about it. As for doing things for yourself at the same time, so much of life can be that way if we give it a try. I think it's the only way to do it authentically. Thank you for what you wrote, Derek.

I think you're very lucky to be able to enjoy your son. I was able to homeschool my kids and go to the park, beach and library (they were free). And being a children's singer-songwriter, I was able to bring my kids to the studio to record with me and to my concerts. One time I was performing at a school and Molly, then 2, stripped and streaked the stage. Fun times, relish every moment.

If more parents followed your lead, kids would have fewer problems. As a parent of 3 sons, the youngest heading to college this fall, I look back and am most proud of the time I had with them. I always worked (because I had to) but put my career second. I knew having them home wouldn't last forever. I am happy I discovered time is way more important than money. You figured it out and are giving your child the greatest gift a parent could ever give. Undivided attention and freedom to grow.

You're doing something very right: You are interacting with your son in a way that validates him as a person. Psychiatrist M. Scott Peck in his book "The Road Less Traveled" points out that being a parent or a spouse requires the commitment of attention.

Derek - this is so beautiful and I am so happy for you and your son. Keep it up.

Maybe some horseback riding?

Derek. It is awesome you get to spend that kind of time with your son. When he is older he will appreciate it tremendously. I realized that some of the things I did for my girls, were just as much for me as for them, but they still appreciate it today. We are rarely if ever completely selfless. This is a teaching of the Christian faith and one that I have found without exception to be true.

I love it Derek! My grandson is 7 years old right now. I have played games with him every since he was born like Cars (playing with toy cars), hide and go seek, imaginary talking hand Spiders (Itsy, Bitsy and Turantula), etc. He is developing into a great speller and the Teachers love his brain at school.

Quality time with family, that's priceless.
BTW, I live in NZ too. Also priceless 😊

You are correct. Children are a gift to the world but we parents benefit the most by our short time with them. They also give us hope for the future as they will take over soon and then have children of their own and the cycle continues. Grandchildren are an even greater gift.

They parent us💚 too.. i was widowed when ourbaby girl was 5 and half months ..my husband would havebeen like you in so many ways as a parent.. missed him terribly ..it is such a great honour to host a being as they become the most exquisite creation any of us could ever imagine

Derek this is spot on. I am doing exactly the same thing with my two boys (2 and 4). I am fortunate enough to have my own business so I can spend those 30 hours per week with them. One of the other reasons I am spending the time with them is these are the absolute golden ages and I don't want to miss a second. I have a lifetime to work but these guys will only be 2 and 4 once. We are coming to New Zealand in November and December. Can't wait for them to experience your country. Thanks for your post.

Derek - this is one of your best (and I like them all). Thanks!

Remarkable as always!! I wish every parent could dedicate this kind of passion and patience for their children. Being a parent is truly a labour of love.

Wonderful, Derek, it is exactly what happens to me while teaching Music, creating the ideas and inventing the Method or the exact variation right at the moment for every student/case. I am making a youth and children symphony orchestra from scratch, giving individual and group violin, viola, cello and piano lessons, all by myself, and learning and enjoying as much as they do while playing and growing!

I respect (and understand)your reluctance to describe your parenting choices, especially in a milieu where 'right and wrong' can be raised easily. That said, I think you are a great dad and know that your son is growing and developing because you are fostering a safe, loving and curious space for him. Good on you...

Gary

thank you derek!!
i really appreciate these thoughts.
i'm with you man (although i didn't always get it together when my daughter was young).
if i have another time with a young person i'll keep all of this in mind....
yr pal,
dz

What a timely post. My daughter is 7 months now. Thank you, Derek.

Great article! I'm very familiar with the cats in Paris or playing pretend in forests or the beach for long long long periods of time. It really stretches me not to force my girls (4&6) to move on to the next thing even when I do enter their imaginative play for chunks of time. Reading this reinvigorates my desire to do so and to see how long the play would actually last without my intervention. The only thing I feel bad about is it never occurred to me not to put my kids' pictures on Facebook. The idea that it's up to them to put themselves online. That feels like a big whoops now that you mention it :( Anyway, thanks for sharing your thoughts Derek!

I've communicated with you virtually for some years now... when cd baby was still very much your baby! As a father of two, one 3 years and one 7, I really appreciated reading about your level of interaction with your kid. I also enjoy immersing myself into their world. So thank you for this and I'm looking forward to more!

Beautiful.

We also made the decision to not post our daughter's image online, as we feel it is not our right. We have shared her name, though.

Best regards,

Jaylene

Nice job dad! There will be a time, and perhaps you are already there, when the memories of times shared with your children will be your most precious possessions.

I love it. I did the same, putting aside as much of my musical career as I could to give full attention to my daughter. I read somewhere when she was a toddler "Go somewhere new and let her lead." That has been my mode ever since. It has upset some people, including her mother that I'm no longer married to (I'm the custodial parent). I didn't think I could do it, being a touring musician, but my gigs all over the country have been confined to weekends and I'm a stay at home dad during the week. I won't regret anything I gave up to have had that time with her, it was absolutely just as much for me.

Just be prepared that iphone/ipad is going too come in like a tornado evil spirit and try to take her/him away. By 10 years old, earlier now I'm sure, reality gets less interesting. I let it escalate over one year before I got it together to try to get her back, and reality is more interesting now, but it takes some real work on my part, and some rules I didn't enjoy setting. Let's not let this generation slip away. E. O. Wilson, when asked if this generation will be full of more geniuses as a esult of all this immediate information said (something like this) I think young people need to go outside, and be bored, and find something to get interested in. That's where genius will come from."
In peace, Jim Scott

The ability to focus for long periods is definitely a skill kids (and adults) will need.

Derek, that's a beautiful way of giving us some quality time.

I've been wanting to have kids for a few years, and until that day comes, I'll try to do the same with my dogs.

Maybe I can get a dog-in-me experience of having the world, while doggy style could be miscomprehended.

I'm mostly interested on getting to know more about your personally.

It seems inspiring what you're doing to yourself.

From the brazilian alps of Urubici,

Michel J.

short term and long term goals. Projects and completion of projects, critical thinking skills, and interaction with others. Making new friends and developing networks. Responsibilities and tasks. Deescalation of conflicts and resolutions. We work on these together. I ask for his input and what he would do and also possibilities for alternate routes to complete a task or project. Playtime and freethinking, creating games and entertainment, Drawing and of course taking care of his animals.

I have come closed in terms of one on one hours in the last 4 years. I only use the phone to capture the intereting moments, otherwise I dont check my phone 90% of the time! Working on the varity and deep activities when we are spending time together.

I am new Father - I have 45 days old son. This made my Day. I hope I will have the financial flexibility to spend most of my time with him.
10 hours on weekends + 2 hours on weekdays = 30 hours a week. It’s do-able. — Derek

Beautiful! This is exactly how we've chosen to raise our children, who are now aged 13 and 15. They are bright and brilliant young men. There were always people who questioned our parenting style as they grew but we never faltered and are glad we didn't.

I work every day and when I come home I try to be present with him. It is tough and I recently deleted email from my phone and am trying to get out of the phone habit. It is hard to do. Sometimes I envy my wife who leads a life much like yours. Exploring, searching, finding patience in herself to go on this wild ride with our 2 year old. It is pretty amazing.

I keep going back to the fact that I need to go part time (I am a doctor) and drop our spending so I can be with him more now and not when he is 12 years old. We will see what happens. Maybe in 2-3 years I can do it. By then he will be 5 and so the amazement and wonder will still be with him.

Thanks man. I love parenting posts, but more like these which discuss the wonder of it all.

Derek!!! - I am grateful to you and your Son for sharing your thoughts on parenting. It is refreshing to hear how you shut down everything for the most important person in your life. I want you to know that what you are doing will make a positive and long lasting difference in both your lives. I am the produ t of a negative parenting experience. The parents I had were extremely harsh and negative towards me. I have struggled greatly in life...BUT I AM STILL HERE AND THAT IS MY VICTORY!

Keep up the great level of love you are lavishing on your SON!

Sincerely,

PRESTONALITY!

Thank God that you are blessed to have this amount of free time to spend with your son who is also another blessings to you. - Psalm 127:3

Parents are their children's first teachers during their most formative year. The things that you teach and expose them to will build the frameork of their lifestyles as adults. Proverbs 22:6

Your son will teach you many neww things from a child's perspective because you have the patience to explore with him and listen. This is also the time to teach and tell him about God, the creator of all these things. Deuteronomy 6:6-7

Parenting is a big deal in my life, I have 5 kids from all ages. It is so true that they have given me more than what I have tried to give them. I have my 9-year-old with special needs and right at this moment, he is sick with a terrible headache. When he is well he is the light of my life. Hope he is better tomorrow. Thanks Derek for sharing such inspiring story! Take care.

Bravo!!!

Hi Derek,

I truly applaud what you're doing with your son. When I was a boy, my father worked for the federal government and we moved around a lot. He would also be gone for long stretches during the critical years of my and my brother's upbringing. As an adult, I know my life is my responsibility, but sometimes at night, while I'm lying there, I think about all the years we spent working out life lessons by trial and error - ones that would normally have been passed down from father to son. Certainly the toughest lesson for me was the realization I had at about 14 that my dad would much rather be playing golf than spending time with me or my brother. He wasn't a bad man, just an absentee parent (like many of his generation). Part of me will never forgive him for that.

You're doing a fabulous job with your son. I never had kids, but I know that if I had, I would've made a concerted effort to do just as you're doing.

Well done, sir.
Al Hodge

I love this Derek! I believe we do things in life to experience what we truly need to experience during certain moments of our lives. Children are such great teachers for us, if we are willing to be the student and pay attention. I was talking recently to a friend about how this present generation lacks the attention span to keep a conversation or to even keep interest in much of anything for any span of time. By giving a child the permission to practice focusing for long periods of time is such a gift. This is such a great thing you have been doing for your child. Thanks for sharing it with us.

I have four kids -now successful adults. In general, what seemed successful to me was to find out what they wanted to do, and then help them to do it. I really like the way you are spending time with your child and focusing on his needs and facing small challenges together.

A really smart person wrote that we should accustom our children to hardship. This is how they learn to handle life, but of course, we need to help them through these hardships.

Good job, Dad!

My Genius Wife LuAnn and I have six kids. We cultivate one on one 'only child' time with each of them for the reasons you describe. The last was born when LuAnn was 45 and there's a big age range; the older ones are old and wise enough to get in on the magic of having a young wizard/knight/story teller/poet in our home. It's fun to watch them being magic with him. Each one of them has schooled us big time - at every age.

I must say that I loved this article. Before reading it, just from the title in the email teaser, I thought you were going to conclude that being a good parent was for the greater good of society, which I think is a valid conclusion in its own right.

My wife and I try to do similarly for our 13 year old. I think we do a pretty good job with fostering many varied inputs: cultivating a long attention span has been a greater challenge. He will become obsessed with various activities (Chinese yo-yo, knittibg, baking cupcakes, etc.). Once he attains a certain level of mastery, he'll move on. Some activities we can share, some are more solitary. A few endure, and it's for those passions (singjng, theater, cooking) that we share a common world.

I have had, and continue to have. the opportunity to create some rather clever software and help build companies of whose culture I am extremely proud. None of it holds a candle to the sheer joy (and relentlesss challenge) of being a good parent.

Hi Derek! Glad to read about this side of yours. I have become a father couple of months back and I am sure that these points will help both me and my son :) You have given a complete new perspective to parenting.

Thanks for sharing!

The little things are the big things. The really big things.

Beautiful!

I'm with my kids a lot, and incidentally, all this free time can be traced back to your words of advice to put my music out on CD Baby so many years ago. It has given me the passive income that opens up my time to do many other things.

Now, my kids spend so much time with me and have picked up my passion for music recording and performance. I once only did their kid stuff, and suddenly, they both picked up instruments and want to jam with me! What a wonderful life!

Hi Derek,

Nice to see the effect this little human has had on you. Yes, they fill our lives if we just take a moment. Benefits everyone including humanity. Thanks for sharing. This type of commentary helps wake us up.

Lib

Raising my son, I always felt that being a parent allowed me to relearn things the way I wish I had originally had and explore nature and art through a prism of amazement.

I LOVE your last comment, how you don't put his name or face online. You really respect his privacy. I wish all parents did this. We were mindful about not putting our daughters photos etc online. I was fine to share with family and friends via email but not to give facebook etc. the right to use my kids photos for anything :) :) Lovely article too. You are so blessed to have the time to spend with your son. Waving from Hong Kong!

Nice.

Derek,

Thanks for sharing. I loved this article so much! You're right - people don't talk about parenting much. And I don't read much on it since I don't have kids but relating this to what you're learning was so light and wonderful to read. I hope you keep these little stories up with your son. Makes me want to pause more in my day and see where I can pull lessons from or just pause and reflect. Thank you.
In gratitude,

Amela Subasic

This is a golden time for you both. When my children were young, I took them everywhere with me; bluegrass festivals, cross country, stopped at museums along the way, climbed down the caves where Frank and Jesse James hid their booty, and a host of other things. But what they remember fondly was the times I played my piano at night while they were going to sleep.

The things you describe that you are sharing with your son now will no doubt be remembered fondly when you are both older. And yes, I agree, those special times are precious for you both.

Thank you for sharing this deep insight
with us.
I have come to see the truth in what you
Are saying here ...and it did not happen easily.
Iit was Zig Ziegler who led me to realise that when we
Invest or help others we are ultimately
Helping ourselves.
One of my sons teacher told us when
He was small to read with him every
Night...sometimes it was difficult to make
The time...today at 29 there are many
Things I have learned from him...including how to be a better human being. He is now making
Films and has an amazing ability to
Tell human stories.
PS. I'd like also to know that your article some
Months ago on 'deflecting the rear view mirror' has
Helped enormously in dealing with the
Impatient driver brigade
Michael - Dublin.

What a lucky kid! The bonds you are forging with him are incredible. I just have been working on a paper on parenting for a class, and I was amazed at statistics that have been gathered reporting the damaging effect an absent, dismissive father has on a child. So the reverse is just as impactful. you are giving him such a gift by your presence, your focus, and your evident love.

Derek, thanks for the insight! You just stopped me in my track, it's not like I don't know! But from reading your article make me realized that I really need to slowdown and spend more quality time, because nothing is as valuable as the time with your kids, nothing else is that important.

Thanks,
Calvin

Derek,

Your writing is good for the world... keep it up!

Yours is a wonderful approach and i know your son will reap huge benefits. Before our now 11 year old daughter was born I did as much research as possible about early childhood development. It was clear that TV was not going to be a part of her early life and we stuck to it. I'm convinced this has allowed her to be a hands-on kid and not so much an observer. Thank you for sharing.

I think this is fantastic. A long attention span is essential to a calm life. I also think it's important to spend time letting children learn the smells of spices, fruits, and vegetables to truly appreciate food and chemistry.

A few questions.
A barefooter myself I wonder if he wanted to get rid of his shoes as I observe many kids in his age wanto go barefoot.
Does he also play with kids his age group when you are around? What are the differences in his growing up compared to other children (his friends) where their parents spend less tim with their children?

Hi Derek,
Great stuff. Our children and the way we relate to them
Is learning personified.
I still tell my boys, I have 3. The same thing mmy father told me. "Try to learn Somthing new from somebody every day. It keeps your mind active."
Great to hear from you,
All Filipowicz

Derek, your article truly moved me. I have a three year old son who will be four in a few days. Was wondering with your permission if I could make a video of your article and put it onto my YouTube page. Either way I understand :) Thank you so much for this article. I agree...being in the present moment is a gift for all. Blessings to you and yours. Much love, Jacqueline
Of course. Anything I put on my site is free for taking, sharing, adapting, whatever. Go for it. — Derek

Love it my boys are 22 and 18 and I still try to immerse in their world as time only affects my body. To have the gift of innocence and curiosity should never have to leave us because we get older. Aside of my adult music I've also had a band that performs for children and as you know music breaks all barriers. Kids are so real and pure. It's too bad that society can drill that out of us as we age. You are really doin it right with your child and obviously he is teaching you to get back to where you once belong

Oops sorry for the Beatles slip.

Hi Derek
So nice to hear from you again. This came at the exact perfect moment for me, and I needed to hear it and am inspired to incorporate and act upon it in my time with my own two little chittlins (age 7 and 8 already!). The attention span thing really hit me - so many of the songs I've written over the past have to do with this - I think I wrote the first song about cell-phone distraction way back in 1999 or so when I was living in Italy and was struck by all the amazing looking couples sitting in beautiful piazzas with their backs turned on one another, both engaged on their respective cell phones instead of being immersed in the present beauty in front of their noses. It was only a foretaste of the madness we now find ourselves in. It's a theme that keeps recurring for me, and a trap I all too often fall victim too, especially when I'm with my kids. The whole just trying-to-keep-up BS excuse.

Anyhow, I thought you might like this music video I'm about to release about that - it's called "Your Attention". If you have 3 minutes, I think you might get a kick out of it:) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jW1_Fj8Vzfw&t=6s

Again, thanks for your message. I'm on it!! And my kids thank you!


Michael Tiernan

Derek, I think what you are doing with your son is great. My father taught me how to work with my hands. I learned mostly just by watching him and getting used to seeing tools around the house. I have spent a life of building things for a living out of wood metal and concrete. I guess I'm grateful that my parents left me so much. It will be interesting to see what your son does in his life. Best wishes and a great read.

Thanks for this. I did a fraction of this with mine and appreciated every moment!

Love your articles, Derek!

Paul

Friend: People do things to benefit themselves, even if it seems like they are being selfless or altruistic. Soooo ... what's in it for you? Why do you spend the time you do with your niece?

Me: It feels like a luxury, which is sad commentary maybe. But it feels luxurious in that a lot of the time spent with her is, by design, the most concentrated chunk of undistracted time I spend in any given week. Mi sobrinita reminds me to *be* present instead of fret about being present. She's the vehicle by which I simply drop in to being present. Bam. There I am. There she is. There we are. I'm lucky. I'm not her parent. I'm not on 24-7. I'm another adult-person, besides her folks, and one who isn't juggling the realities of wage work while raising a kid. I'm lucky.

Wow Derek, you are really setting his stage. He's probably going to be brilliant. What ever investment you are making now, will always be with him. ☺ Pretty awesome. And it's okay to find it benefiting you too...relationships are never a one way street...Giving..gets..☺ Awesome Derek! Don't forget to read before you go to bed! ☺

Absolutely delightful. A challenge to be able to emulate, given how stuck we are in our patterns. But hopefully a nudge in that direction.

Sharing right now btw!

Bravo! For caring enough - being passionate enough about your son's life to enter his world and share with him the early years of growth - and expanding his access and absorption by contributing your own. And, Bravo again - for sharing with us all your recognition that giving to another is giving to oneself.

Top writing, Derek, very inspiring. Thanks.

Awesome Derek,
My best wishes buddy. Your love and attention is going to take junior far.

Time, opera, attention, empathy... These gifts you're giving him are priceless. He'll know at the core of his being that this world is glorious, and safe, and his very own oyster. Are you ready for each pang of heartache as he separates from you, step by step? And for when he's completely, totally pissed off at you for the inevitable infuriating imperfections and mistakes (so he can leave childhood and become the independent person you want him to be--maybe someplace you won't be)? Actually, I know the answer to those questions. Because you're a treasure of wisdom...

Parenting is mostly for the parents.

We choose to have kids, then choose most everything in their lives for years. The ego that drives us to do this is good for the ecosystem.

We LITERALLY want to make them little replicas of us (or a bit better).

Outside of basic needs, the kid will grow up regardless of what we do. And likely be questioning some of our choices. (ie "When I was small, my dad never let me grow on my own" LOL)

Your kid is lucky to have you. I'm inspired by your commitment to doing it right. Giving someone attention seeing the world through their eyes is good policy for any relationship.

Jordan Peterson said a few wise words on parenting recently. TLDR -> once you have kids your responsibility is to raising them as best you can. Even if that means staying in an unhappy relationship. Fulfilling your own desires should be secondary.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_GPAl_q2QQ&feature=youtu.be&t=2h12m50s

Derek. I have 3 boys. They are the centre of my life. I've given up work and a wage since 2010 in order to re-educate myself. So ive been poor as poor can be for that duration but the flip side is that I have spent the whole time (outside of night school) with my kids. It's the one thing you can't buy. Time with your kids and the irreplaceable memories you create. Your son will thank you for your dedication to yourself and him. Mine do. 😊

Hi Derek...

What a beautiful relationship... it brought back memories of my own childhood and i realised how much my father really did for me, sacrificed for me and allowed me to be and have.

What you and your son experience together is such a vital bond and i commend your approach on it.

Sadly im not a father myself but i am so looking forward to being one someday. I want my chilfren to have the world within their reach. I want to invest everything i am capable of for them and toward their adventure in life.

Thank you, this has been an absolut joy to read.

You're a great father.

Hi
Very inspiring as like all your articles.
I have a subject very over looked , that of medical cover.
Living in south Africa one needs cover for emergencies in hospitals as it will be at private hospitals I can self insure but not for huge DAILY costs icu cover in a Hospital.
The cover for hospital plan is a rip off and one see 1000s OF DOLLARS go off your a account for this cover every month.
Needs some out of box thinking?

ROD
PRETORIA

Lovely of you to share your personal approach and observations of your little guy with us ~ I'm a newer parent myself with a little 2 year old girl who comes out on tour with our band and I often think her experiences are somewhat unique ~ it's very commendable that you set aside such quality time with your child as these years move so quickly and we never get them back to do over ~ the attention span is a struggle in our mile a minute modern world...what a treasure it is to stop, savor, and take in the beauty of things slowly. Thank you for that reminder.

"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up."
Pablo Picasso

There is such a discrepency between the world of grown up and children. I actually remember clearly one line I was telling to myself when I was furious at the grown-ups and that was "I will never become like them, only interested in unimportant" now days I often wonder when we meet with friends to discuss things over coffee, it is still not important and sometimes even has the taste of manipulative imprint and agendas. How do we claim our ability to wonder + infinite possibilities in the imaginary. Children have so much to tech is. The other day there was a mention of Robots taking over the jobs of nannies and I couldn't imagine anything so desperate. Even if nannies are uninvolved so that Robots can replace them, those type of jobs shouldn't be "jobs" in my opinion. I have no parenting experience but as far as I can see children are growing to be distracted with the tools in the same way as adults are distracted with the phones.

Great article. Reminds me of the reason that people have children to begin with - for themselves. Which is fantastic (if they're capable of providing adequate care)

PS; Epic pic, like out of a mel gibson movie or something haha

Ah! Finally someone (and someone special to me) talks about all these things we should all be doing but don't (like having the phone off). You're giving very interesting points worth questioning ourselves, even beyond parenting. Absolutely loved reading your story with your son. Keep up being a great dad! To you and your son: keep growing together.

Derek, I love this. It's deeply moving for me, as a parent and a child.

I recall Bono talking about songs. He said he used to think that his songs were like his kids. Instead, they are actually more like his parents.

Hey, I remember an old joke in a book that said something like parents don't need meditation or enlightenment practice, parenting alone is enough :D
I have started chalking up time spent walking around carrying my two year old as she watches things to meditation , and life is chill

Literally showed my son Bulgarina choir this morning. He was transfixed.

Not a parent yet, but inspiring. I will use this technique when the moment comes:)

I Read your post is good thing that you cultivating the kid from a young age to to do all things you want him to do. What you doing in teaching him to use his mind to explore and see different thing in life. Whatever you do and say the kid will try to adopt it because he see you as his companion, friend and someone with authority around him. We want to believe that your kid will get older and be able to use what you teaching him to be a better person in life. But the scary part about all this is that we live in another world beside the one you creating for you kid and as he get older he will see things different and like that he may cultivate to his liking. The greatest knowledge is to get him to read and understand what he read because knowledge is the most important gift in life. Your ideas and caring you providing for you kid is great because you helping yourself also but make sure that you always show that kid love and that the only man he should ever look to for peace and love is you and God.

Nothing wrong with how you are raising your child! Sounds to me like you are doing an awesome job..when you find the real handbook on what is right or wrong in parental style, let me know LOL Ill throw it out!

Brilliant- what a way to encourage creativity 😄

Hi Derek,
Always lovely to hear from you and read you. Parenting or relating in general is always a touchy subject, I agree. I am very much your kind of parent as well. Mainly realising what being a mother meant to me: it was and still is an amazing gift and joy...To be an adult and lean over to take the "time" and see the world over again through the eyes of your child... I always feel sorry for parents who seem to take parenting as a chore, but I suppose I was lucky I could take the time. I understand now that what he gave me when he was little was the chance to understand that we should never lose our sense of innocence, of awe at what is around us...
It was for me a reminder, especially as an artist, but even just as a human being, to always remain curious and surprised. My only slight reserve about how you are living this experience would be this: keep an eye on the fact that he also needs time for himself as well even at a young age, to discover the world without you, to deal with it without you, at some point even without your watchful and loving attention. Parenting just as most intimate relationships needs a fine balance of sensitive closeness and independence. I am so glad you are both enjoying this special time in life and send all my love to you and your family. <3 Annemarie

Hey Derek,

Raised 3 myself, not on my own. Totally agree with your premise. Sometimes I thought that as I "attentively and deliberately" raised my kids I was filling in the missing bits from my own childhood. Had a great time doing it! Lots of art, music, nature and friends.

Super memories <3

Cool..kinda wat I do as well...I am single parenting at 69 ..my son is 8...we live in Hawaii...he was born in Chiang mai Thailand where his mom resides. (She's 40) . I gave up eating meat when I was 20.He gave up eating meat last year...now we eat the same diet...his mom lives still in Chiang mai . We have visited her the last 3 years.(summer breaks)... mom is Thai-toxic..eats anything that moves. Put that together with sticky (white) rice and it's a recipe for a life of constipation...we have a big divide..mom is slow to care & slower to change..e.g..I was trying to explain the reasons not to use commercial detergent for laundry this morn ..(Thais are addicted to fabric softeners & chemical sweet smells) . She said w/o hesitation..."I'm not going to change I like the way my clothes smell ...are u crazy?" I said: it could be the reason your back always has itchy breakouts!!! ( Confirming to her that I am crazy).. it's a problem all over but few want to explore change...here in Thailand just like the US... people need a reason to change like accident or illness! Diabetes & cancer are on the rise in Thailand...grandpa (72) of the Thai household lost his get up & go in the last year..he has newly discovered diabetes... but the same diet continues ...greasy lifeless foods etc. even when their doctors recommend change! That next important step in life seems harder the longer we procrastinate...the kids are getting to be super size in Thailand as well...of course the US leads the way in child obesity....I will stop...too much to talk about in one post 🤡 I know intelligent folk in Hawaii that eat "bad" too..it's hard to educate folks...their egos don't want to hear what their will power can't change even if they recognize it to be true. Children & adults have to learn about true nutrition and make some adjustments or get on line with everyone else heading to see a Doctor! I hope I didn't stray too far from the topic but parenting like anything else done right will take you down many unexpected avenues !!

This was beautiful, sire.

Thanks for sending this article through. We are expecting a baby in January and reading this opened my mind up massively. We want to do the very best for our children don't we and giving them quality time and exposing them to different cultures etc is so important. I grew up in a very multi cultural city which I think has helped me as I'm very open minded (nearly always!). Thanks Derek...I'm going up give your parenting style a whirl!! We live in the Peak District in Derbyshire, so have access to lots of things to see and do:)

I can't agree more with this - I can relate. When my son was younger we spent long periods of time together engaged in theatre, movies, games, artistic attempts, dancing, exploring, pillow fights, and long, deep chats. There is a time to cultivate your values and interests and unfortunately this window is very small. Now he's a teenager and I miss those experiences, especially the long chats. And guess what all the critical thinking I fostered is paying off - my oppositional teen with a beautiful mind.

Hey Derek,

As Picasso said, "One starts to get young at the age of 60--and then it’s too late". Luckily you're doing something about that well ahead of the "60 threshold". In the meantime, as Einstein said, "The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination". You're quite fortunate as you also have the wisdom (innate or learned--or both?) by allowing your son to help you exercise your "imagination quotient". Good on you! He's a lucky boy & you're a lucky dad!

Keep it up, Dad. The PS says it all. Thanks for sharing.

I love your approach to parenthood. I have 2 kids. Age 3 and 6. My 6 year old should be going into her third year of school. But we unschool so she hasn't been in school and I don't think she ever will.

My daughters LOVE LIFE. I mean they love every thing they do and are totally engaged and excited about their activities. I facilitate them only to do what they love.

I was forced to do so many things I hated as a child. Things that bored me or I had no interest in. And the things I wanted to do. I wasn't allowed to do.

I am an online entrepreneur. I work from home. I do pay someone to come in to my house every morning. Baking. Arts. Reading. Maths. Spanish. Music. They do activities with the girls while I work.

Then in the afternoon we go out ice skating, swimming, the park. Or watch movies. Or go shopping, or the beach!

Freedom is my highest value. That is why I chose to be an online entrepreneur.

I will be honest. Sending my kids to school is also for ME.

Because I don't want to have to get up early and do school runs. And let the school dictate to me my whole life and my kids life.

It takes a lot of my time and money to provide this life style. Very selfless of me!

So yes. Although I'm doing our way of life to give my kids an engaged life where they can follow their passions. I also am doing it for me and my highest value of freedom.

So I do agree!

I'm jealous of your kid. Great way to grow up. Well done. Beautiful article, too.

I agree with your thoughts here. I think people need to apply the same sort of selfishness in other arenas such as romance and work life too. A romantic partner who is healthy for you is healthy for your future children too. The idea that love has to be a sacrifice is just ancient propaganda designed to get people slaving.

Well Derek, first of all, you live in a country were nothing really happens, so a sound imagination is mandatory to get through your days. Don't get me wrong, I love NZ, but it is no surprise to me that they invented Bunji Jumping...
Second, you are a well off man. No nine to five for you. Therefor you have plenty of time for your kid. Which is great...but just not for everyone.
Last, you have only one kid. Try three...
It's great that you take the time to really get to know you child and in the process get re-acquinted to yourself. I wish I had that luxury...

This is lovely! Thank you!

Loved this piece. It's a good reminder of what I should be doing more.

And yes, I agree with you that the internet is no place to showcase kids. Let them have their privacy until they're ready and knowledgeable enough to understand what and how much of themselves they want to share.

Cheers for writing and sharing Derek.

Three things jump out as chiming with a lot of conversations I've had with dads over the years (something of an obsession with me).

#1 - Part of a dad's job is to create the conditions for them to explore the world. Said to me by the brilliant Jonathan Maker.

#2 - Your presence is directly connected to the environment you're in. A very driven dad I interviewed (he worked SO much) used to take his kids swimming to make sure the time he spent was quality time. You can't use a phone in the pool.

#3 - It's about us and them. There's a hard balance to strike between living a life of service, to family, work etc. and making sure we enjoy it along the way.

PS I wholeheartedly agree with your parental privacy policy!

It's hard to say something without having children
but it's nice what you write

"The parent is the bow and the son the arrow"

A wise man once said to me..."kids spell LOVE, T.I.M.E" You got that spades mate. Thanks for sharing. Love your curious insights.

Watching disney movies in foreign languages. Hmmm... Ok I love the idea. I can't seem to get the full reason why though, since they do not understand foreign languages. Or should we watch the movie first in English?
I like exposing him to the sounds of other languages. Kids’ movies make it easy to understand enough of what’s going on without understanding the language. — Derek

Great to read your writing on parenting. This is a great piece that should be shared to all parents - regardless working or not. As we know, the most precious thing you can give to someone is time, and you showed us how you did it.

Hi Derek,
Iain here - hope you are well and good to hear from you☺

Your son is very lucky to have you as a caring parent and I'm sure your time investment will pay dividends. I have 4 children - actually they are 23 yrs up to 33 yrs so no longer children and I am so proud of all of them - it is one of lifes joys to be a proud parent.

On the subject of concentration - I am pretty good at that although I find a max of 5 hours is efficient - after that, performance starts to suffer, but one of my brothers has an extremely short attention span but he handled it (and did very well in business) by doing multiple tasks for 30 minutes each - that way he still got a result.

You can't spend to much time with your kids. They will be better for it and the World will benefit from it.

Hi Derek--You've inspired me to write this morning. Thanks.

I would agree very much that what you're doing is as much for you as it is your little one. It's a luxury to be able to indulge this as far as you do. Definitely one of the many hidden pleasures of being a parent.

What you're describing is a real (perhaps THE) challenge to parents everywhere, at every economic level. And I think "economic" is the operative word, here. As parents, we have a tendency to put our own interests (and time) first, putting our primary attention on "getting ahead." We (especially men, I think) rationalize and justify this by saying "it's for the family."

As parents, we too often place our priorities above our children because they are, well, more serious. More important. More necessary. Then our children perpetuate this broken thinking, following our lead after years of excuses and conditioning. Our most important opportunity in life, squandered.

Our young children are gently, energetically (relentlessly!) trying to remind us of this error, right?! Their very essence is love and relationship--our true center. Children are our reminder that love is an active pursuit, not a passive result. The good question is, though, will we choose to listen?

I was fortunate to discover the philosophy of Martin Buber, through his book "I and Thou," studying pedagogy early on in my career. It's about presence and how we choose to give it. And yes, it's a choice we make, often subconsciously, too often negligently. What you've written here, Derek, reminds me of this. In fact, it's often what you write about.

I'm thankful there's an persistent echo of "I and thou" in you and your work.

Being truly present for another person takes time, patience, and love. The love drives it all. Time and patience follow, not the other way around.

One question: how are you introducing compromise to your son? Do you think this is a natural progression that he considers your interests when present together? Just curious about your thoughts on this.

Take care--Gordon

Fantastic read Derek. I've done pretty much the same with my two kids and still managed to run my company. I guess it's just a question of focusing on the right things at the right time and devote yourself to what you are doing at that moment - i.e. "being in the now".

ATB from your long-time Swedish friend
Johan Berlin

Wish I read this 21 years ago.

How do you teach the greatest teacher you have ever known? How do you show someone just how important they are? How do you cajole a movement of humans to create a better environment for teachers to come? How do you reveal the greatest line of code you've ever discovered... How will we tackle the height of troubles males encounter from boyhood to manhood?

All the answers begin in this Post. This was hard for you becauseuse I imagine you to be the greatest father you can be. In this arena love is a fail-adjust-win process.

Thank you both for sharing some of your creations and placing a big window in your tree house of ideas. Truth is we are all encouraged and more appreciative of you work.

Much respect my friend😎

How do you teach the greatest teacher you have ever known? How do you show someone just how important they are? How do you cajole a movement of humans to create a better environment for teachers to come? How do you reveal the greatest line of code you've ever discovered... How will we tackle the height of troubles males encounter from boyhood to manhood?

All the answers begin in this Post. This was hard for you becauseuse I imagine you to be the greatest father you can be. In this arena love is a fail-adjust-win process.

Thank you both for sharing some of your creations and placing a big window in your tree house of ideas. Truth is we are all encouraged and more appreciative of you work.

Much respect my friend😎

Thanks Derek. It's the first time I have ever posted on anything ever. I've never even done an amazon/ebay review but this subject felt important and touched a nerve. I really struggle to stay present and the time with my daughter really helps with this. When we are out walking I will be focusing on where we are going, what time we will arrive, what we will be doing when we get there. I try not to do this and really try to concentrate on what she is talking about but my mind races away. Then she will notice an insect on a bush and want to study it for a while. I have to stop and make myself go into her world of being always present and when you do actually study the insect you realise she is spot on, yes, it's pretty amazing!

So yes, I agree the time we spend with the kids benefits us hugely. They teach us how to have fun again, be creative, relax, get upset about something and 10 minutes later forget about it and be playing with something else.

I often feel I am too driven and find myself torn between wanting to make a success of career and money-making activities now so we can have a better life in the future and spending more time with the kids now. I do spend a lot of time with my kids, much more than other people I know, but already regret not having spent time with them when they were very young. Maybe part of it is that I want them to stay as kids as I have loved the experience so much. I would spend almost every minute of every day with the kids if I could.

Re the phones, I keep mine on silent all the time and then try and do a quick catch-up during any times when the kids are engaged in something that doesn't involve me, keepin almost all contacts to text and email with no calls/voicemails etc (tim ferriss book helped with a lot on that subject) It makes me really sad when I see parents on their phones completely ignoring their kids ir even worse telling them off when they interrupt their Facbook browsing!

My childhood sounded like Katya's below, I had a large family and extended family and lived close to many other large families so we played together all day most days particularly in the spring and sunmer with very little input from adults apart from being called in for meals or being told off.

Apolgies for the rambling post. As I say first timer and realised this is a subject I think about a lot but don't talk or write about to anybody. Thanks.

have my phone on silent all

Derek, just thank you.

At this time I am reading Autism Breakthrough, by Raun K. Kaufman since our daughter has been diagnosed with autism. This breakthrough approach is pretty much the same as what you are doing, like joining in their world, cultivating a long attention span, etc. Excellent stuff!

Hi Derek,

I share this on ifudofhumanrights facebook timeline


best regards
Jan

Great reminder of my short version- By helping him, I'm also helping myself.
Thanks!

This rings true with me, too. We have 2 adopted children, now 12 and 13, and right from when they arrived (aged 5months and 18months), we have parented them very similar to how you describe. bed-time reading petered out last summer, as they decided they were old enough to put themselves to bed and read to themselves. I miss the snuggled-up time, and the stories, having re-visited books from my childhood, and discovered new ones, but as I never really grew out of children's literature, I am still reading them, just not out loud. We have 'therapeutically parented' our children to build attachment and resilience, and I have found it has increased my resilience, too. I am torn between 'who knew?!' and 'no sh!t, Sherlock', at this point, because of course playing outdoors, going to the beach, reading, playing together is good for grown-ups as well as children. I never use my children's names or images online, either, and frankly am horrified at the 'professional parent' blogs etc that do - and lots of personal detail, as well. If we want to teach our children to respect, we have to respect them - and that includes their privacy. After all, children do what you do, not what you say.

Wonderful Derek. I just wished I had done that with my kids 60 years ago.I'll pass this on to my Grand daughters who have children of their own now.
As always, you are an Inspiration Derek.

A great post Derek. A lot of us like to think we are professionals in what we do, but a lot of us have maybe not been all that knowledgable about raising kids. I think showing them love is the most important thing.

Wow Derek - amazing. Even though it's for you as much as him, it's a beautiful and large investment of time and resources into someone you love. What a lucky child and what a special bond that must be. Hope someday when I have kids I can try and stay in the moment without the external clutter taking over.

Now the grandfather to my son's young girls, I totally agree with your observations and add that watching my son parent is a blessing beyond words and time.

Helping him to ""encourage him to keep doing [focus] that as long as possible" following his attentionspan... I wish I read this story of you Derek 25 years ago when my kids were of that age. I know especially with very young children before 5-6 years (it is gradually diminishing and then at 6-8 years old it is coming in sync with adults) their experience of time is much, much more lengthened. If a mother says to a 3 year old "honey" mammy is busy I be with you in ä minute" ( she means 3-4) for the child it is 15-20 minutes waiting. If she leaves them alone ( just one shop to buy something and she is back in 20 m., it is between 40m to 60+ min for them, depending on age..So I always lived to that knowledge. But you go one big step further.n
thx Derek ( as usual ;)

I wish every dad would respect their kids like you do. Amen.

I appreciate your thoughts and insights, as always. And thank you for allowing him his anonymity for as long as he wishes.

Dear Derek, Today, parenting is a much used and abused term which has either become an enterprise run on advertised corporate or "specialist" rules or something obsessed about in our quest to be prefect rather than excellent.

Your text makes me think of the following :

* A loved child is a loving child.

* If anything, you and your methodology may be accused of teaching your son to become an ADHD kid - a kid who can't let go. . . - what with all the freedom he has to take the time to take the time he requires. (Today kids are "trained" to have short attention spans and to not be "engrossed" in anything because WE have short attention spans.) Today, his "healthy" behaviour may be seen as obsessiveness. . . In fact, . your son may be "symptomed" ADHD. But I prefer to see ADHD as not what ails children but rather what ails their mentors. Since (again, to me - and I am renowned for being a curmudgeon) ADHD is the testicular disease of those responsible for the well being of children who don’t have the gonads to give them a life worthy of their station.

* But then, you have it right. All children need the freedom to wander, to discover the rhythms of movement and the lilt of smells in the air and the feel of textures and the sensual taste of things never tasted before. Your son is simply being taught to experience challenges and to savour daring the unknown. But mostly learning that learning is not a chore but a wondrous privilege; a gift.

* Hours in a game? That may earn a child the title of hyperactive. But then, that makes this him/her more disturbing than disturbed in a world which needs to lure children unto "quiet" keyboards to maintain a semblance of their own "adult" sanity.

* Lastly, you remind me, (as a much older geezer that I am) that sharing in our child's life is/was a wonderful experience. But it is theirs and not ours. And kids, one day, come to the realization that they prefer their parents to be beloved parents - not chums. It’s a serious mistake to not know the difference. But then. . . That's way beyond "being 5" and more about the last comment (finally) which is :

* Parenting is not just about enjoying teaching our offspring to fly. It's much more, for us, about the most heart-wrenching part : freeing them to fly away.

I really totally agree with everything you're doing with your child. I would recommend a wonderful series of books by Vladimir Megre. The Anastasia Ringing Cedars series.

Lucky kid.
Lucky dad.

Sometimes I think I am getting closer to being considered a wise gentleman, after much learning, experience, and erudition—, but then I read some of your new posts and realize that I have a long way to go.

Great one Derek,

You see it right that kids need to stay kids and our undivided attention is the most precious gift we can give them.
The only thing I'd add is that there's absolutely no need for screentime till the age of 12 or so. Along with group sports even rugby.

Cheers,

Dez

Our children are our most important teachers.
I remember feeling the complete excitement as I watched my son take his first steps. I remembered my first steps. Or more accurately, my body remembered. My heart remembered. Watching him, I felt I could fly.
I have continued to remember my milestones as I watched both my son and daughter growing. They are both now in their twenties. Both are still teaching me.
The lessons have not all been easy.
They have gone places where I have not. They have learned things that I have not yet learned. They have discarded things that I treasure. They treasure things I would never.
My ego has taken a thrashing. This is probably the greatest gift that they have given me.
You're right, so many of the things that we do "for" our children are self-serving. Sometimes we have to reach really far within ourselves, or I guess, more accurately, beyond our egos, to really do what is right for them. This will be painful, but necessary. In the end, our most important job as parents is to show them that they are loved. Unconditionally.
Thank you Derek. Reading your post today has helped my heart to remember some very good times with my kids. I'm going to call both of them today! ( yes, on their iphones ☺ )

Compliments to you as Popps!

How many more kiddos you going to have?

Any insights form the baby stages?

One love,
Ryan

Great article and insights Derek. I love your "in the moment " parenting ideas. I was too busy working as. A single parent while raising my 3 boys but it was those times that I wasn't busy that they remember most

Love this, such a valuable way of approaching parenting. A shared experience with your kid, giving all you can (& getting all you can). Awesome!

Cultivating the attention span is what got me from the get-go, Derek. This is positioning your child for a depth, breadth and reach that has systematically been being eliminated from our world experience over the last several decades.

I love all of this, and wish I'd had (and been) the kind of parent you've described. Kudos to you, and love to your growing boy. You're doing it right, and i think you SHOULD write more about parenting.

The world needs it.

xoxo, M.

ah.... finally..the most important verbs and propositions.. :)

Great. There is allways a tendance to view the parent-child relationship as a one way process. It is not. And its good to be reminded about it!Thank you.

you are so on target Derek. In my own family , my young nieces and nephews are becoming a bunch of ipad, snapchat zombies. none of them are involved in T ball or outdoor activities very much. if they get bored or too busy they are stuck in front of an ipad to give the parents rest. they do need E exposure in this electronics age but not at the loss of what we considered when I was young to be normal outdoor activities The more they are exposed to a variety of activities, the more their future can be properly activated.

Hi Derek,
Absolutely fantastic connection with your son. You are truly masterful at parenting and a good Father. A learning curve that he'll someday pass on to his own son. I never had this Father and son connection. I went to a co-educational school and had to do all these things with friends my own age. We bonded and our friendships have lasted through life. The best years of my life. Patience is a virtue.

You are doing a great thing for him. But you are right, it's mostly for you.
But remember most people with kids that age don't in any way have that kind of time or money. When they are grand parents they will and should and mostly do.
good luck with destiny.

I'm a new father and my son is two years old. He will jump from place to place. I just follow him and encourage him. I get your story. My son is fascinating. One thing I share with you is that when I'm with him I take no phone calls. I'm self-employed. Thank you for sharing your story and may you and your son have many more adventures!

Derek,
I have been fortunate enough to have been on 2 major labels with 2 different bands and have played with some amazing instrumentalist as well. After my last band got dropped I decided to put all of my time into a solo record just for the fun of it. I sold that Album on CD Baby and it did much better than I had expected it to do. It gave me ambition to do a second one but this time I wanted it to be completely different. I decorated my room with LED lighting and foil to resemble a UFO effect. I started dressing as a business man even though I was a full time musician. I told people that I was preparing myself to meet an alien. I was writing music centered on something or someone from another world. My next record was to be about them, inspired by them, and for them. I had written about 20 pieces of music that all had parts but not many finished ones... And then my girlfriend told me she was pregnant... I knew that my next chapter was to be the best Dad I could be. I had created someone from out of this world. We created our own beautiful alien. He's 11 now and he's the happiest kid I know. That has been my focus. I gave and give as much attention to him as possible to open doors and let him decide what he likes. I don't let him decide to blame others when he's not happy. He has the power to overcome. He can be disappointed in someone's actions but he knows that he decides if he's happy, not them. I love what you are doing, I did the full time Mr Mom experience during the day up until the last couple of years. It took me a while to realize that he is most influenced by my actions, not my words. If I tell him he needs to go practice his music, he gets grumpy. If I spend my free time practicing Piano and enjoying myself, He soon wants to join me... influence from your kids school buddies will come soon and a new layer is born. You can't take the Bad apples out of the world, he needs them to realize what he doesn't want to be. It sounds like you are doing a terrific job, my only advice to you is to not lose yourself, he's gonna wanna be you someday... I never did the second record. At dinner tonight one of the workers recognized me and told me that he cried when he heard my last band had broken up. My kid's only reaction was "Dad, see it that guy can get us an extra order of fries - he seems to like you". Funny I know... my kid doesn't know the guy that the worker was talking about (me as a musician) but my kid likes to act like the coach when he plays basketball. He's a fantastic leader on the floor... I coach his basketball team. I see that he wants to be me, I gave him my full attention while he was growing up and forgot to show him who I was.

Thank you for sharing your life with us. You are a wonderful mentor.

PS, I couldn't agree with you more on the kid presence online, unfortunately mama doesn't feel the same way.

PSS. If you haven't already, you have to read Rafe Esquith books. Amazing and inspiring books on educating children.

Best of luck to you - you deserve it!

I love the idea of being fully present to the ones we love especially our children. Although my kids will be 30 and 32 years old in a month and we felt we did a pretty good job along the way, this way of honoring those we love pays off in the give and the get.

Thank you.

Barry

Kids are lucky if they don't have selfless parents! It sounds like you are growing and learning together. Thanks for sharing.

Excellent Derek, I can apply these ideas to being a band leader, it's like having kids, seriously !

Good for you - I think you should enjoy the things you spend your time doing with your kid. I am not a parent and never was interested to be one and I have to say I don't think 'kid obsessed' parents are doing anyone of us any favors.

Hi Derek!

Loved reading this and we fully agree with what you are doing. For us, the demands of making a living prevent us from being able to do what you are doing. We would love to have the time to cultivate the many things that you are doing with your boy. It is inspiring and super commendable! We really enjoyed that you spun this into a place of personal reflection of how it impacts your life. Our goal is financial independence (and finally having some downtime!) and with any luck we can get there before our daughter is a teenager.

Thanks,
CT

Beautiful Derek! I love it!

Mmmmm where do I start (: The saying is have your kids late and spoil the hell out of them.(: Ive seen it a bit. One of my friends is doing it right now. I think all things need to be kept in balance. What your doing is really really great and nice. However if you look at what happens with others that go the above way it ( Usually ) has consequences )It can make a rod for your back another old saying. Way back parents didnt have time to spoil their kids usually father working mother running a busy house washing for 8 kids or more cooking and cleaning no mod cons back then. Milking cows on farms gathering eggs there were more people on the land back then. I can only think that back in the early days city folks the father worked long hours and maybe no cows to milk but still much to do. All I can say children from families of one child are so different to ones from large families ( Usually ). The older kids have to help out with large families but funny the last one usually got spoilt. Like my mother did in a family of 8 and having polio. She turned out ruining a lot of peoples lives being selfish. All things can be in excess and even love can be too much. These days people can afford nannies more but then that isnt good for the children either. Sorry I didnt go with the flow but yep speaking from my experience and observation. Have 4 kids myself. Being divorsedthat creates a whole lot of new differences. I have one child full time so I may not be the best father but I am there for my kids and always will be. Ahhhh Theres a choice to have kids and not have kids but another whole topic (: Happy parenting everyone (:

Oooops I re read and saw it was only 30 hours a week so yea not over board amount of time I was thinking full time (: ooooops a small miss read

As ever, I find the thoughts you share inspirational and thought (and, hopefully action-) provoking.

Just. YES!

Been reading your stuff and always liked it, but super honest here, most of us are not as rich as you to do that.

And yeah you would probably claim "I'm still busy" or I'm even busier than you" , bit it's not entirely about money, it's about the freedom and comfort money achieves your mind, something most of us don't have.

It's awesome. I admire you can still focus for so many hours.
I believe your child is happiness child and I prefer your way to protect child privacy.

A very good reminder to me with my grandkids! - But when I’m with him, I stop everything else. Phone off. Computer off.

Don't get me wrong and I would have loved to do what your doing with my kids.

Background: I have been married for 27 years, 2 careers after 2 layoffs. Triplets that are 18 and going to college soon and a 15 year old sophomore in high school.

After working 8-10 hour days 5 days a week, I was lucky enough to spend 1 hour per night with my kids (how do you divide time with 4?). Weekends were camping, boy scouts, day beach trips, board games, mowing the lawn together etc. (not the opera, or day trip to Cancun etc.)

Its not HOW you pour into you kid! It is that you POUR into your kid(s).

All graduated in the top 5% of their HS class and have gotten some scholarship (I was trying to be a good dad and saved as much money as possible, don't save money and people feel sorry for you and give you money)
One wanted to be a mechanical engineer and build robot prosthetic for amputees. Another is going to be a dietitian to help people lose weight. Last wants to be a child psychologist to help young kids from abusive families

Derek,
It's been years that I've been listening to your wisdom. It all started with the shirtless dancing guy. Since then it's been amazing how what you've shared and what I've been thinking have coincidied I am working through Ego is the Enemy by Holiday. Book is amazing. I read Tools of the Titan by Ferris and lo and behold you are in there. Yep the insight on parenting is spot on. The more time we spend with them while they are young and innocent and pure the more we regain our innocence and purity about life. Their imaginations are amazing my kids have caused me to DREAM again

I'm working on a mindful parenting curriculum now. I do think the biggest cornerstone is to slow down and listen. Thanks for sharing some great, specific examples!

Derek — we never did end up having kids and so exposure to parenting stories is very limited, but yours is a goodie — and reminds me very much of the stories Josh Waitzkin told on Tim Ferriss's podcast. Two fathers with winning devotion.

i like everything you said but particularly the part about not putting him online because he cannot consent. Privacy and the ability to set boundaries on one's public presence are precious commodities now. You are giving him the gift of being himself.

My child is now 26 years of age. We are very close. Some may say too close but that is their opinion. I remember too many times hurrying moments that seemed to be taking forever. I blinked my eyes and 26 years later. Enjoy the moments Derek :)

Dear Derek:

I truly appreciate the time you spend with your son. I'm almost 74 years of age, and I look back and recall how little time I spent with my only child and feel a deep sense of regret. I'll never forget the little boy who came up to me one day while I was eating lunch. He was about 3 1/2 years old, and he held out a jar of bubble blowing liquid and said, "Bob, would you blow bubbles with me?" I thought for a second or two and answered, "Yeah! Let's blow some bubbles." While I was blowing my first few bubbles, the thought hit me like a ton of bricks that I wished I'd taken more time to blow bubbles with my little girl."

But Derek, in all of the time you spend with your son, how much is spent sharing with him what his life is for, and where he is going ultimately? Is any time spent telling him about Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God and Savior of the world from its sins? Time is short, and eternity is sure!

Best regards,

Bob Blackshear

It seems to me that the ability to do a selfless act is a true miracle. I say this because in truth everything I/we do is really for self - an act that makes me feel better. From scratching my nose to giving to charity, it's all for me. Even the soldier who throws himself on a grenade to save nearby children only does so because he thinks it's the right thing to do and doing the "right thing" makes him feel better. I'm not saying a selfless act is not achievable, just not easy nor obvious.

All great stuff Derek,
the best thing you can do is love his mother
Why hasn't his mother been mentioned in your article?

I only ask because I have such high respect for you And how could the guru to us all leave out such a huge part of Parenting.
I ask respectfully.
Hope you instill God in his life too.
Peace

Lucky child

If you are lucky (like me!) you never stop being a parent. My son is now 26 years old. When he was 3, I got him his first guitar and started teaching how to play. We have now performed together many times, anywhere from small jam sessions to concerts in front of several thousand people. Besides being a musician, I have also been a custom cabinet/furniture maker and general contractor. My son is now a very successful contractor, and we just spent the past few days in our shop putting together some custom entry doors for a 100 year old church that has been turned into a community performance center. I am so proud to watch him follow in my footsteps....and beyond!

Love it!

Hi Derek! Very interesting thing you are doing with your child, I personally believe that having childs could be, if we understand and be conscient about it, the most deep experience on develope ourselves spiritually. Our kids are our best spiritual teachers. I will recommend to you a book that change my life in terms of parenting, maybe you already have heard about it by now, the name is The awaking family by Dr. Tsebary Shefali. I have read many parenting books, gone to talks, and this is by far the most revolutionary approach to parenting that I have find.

Derek, thank you for sharing this with us! This is really something - reading about mindfulness I fully agree this is a practical way for us as well, of course with developing the child's focus. Many other angles as well. I have a hard time to find the ''five hours'' in a row - although I consider I'm above average when I compare - but the idea is there: really get that time and focus on one single thing for a while, forget the damn phone addiction or whatever distraction that may arise (and tons will arise, we need to learn to have control and prioritization over these, not let them jump like chicken with no heads every 10 seconds or so). Thanks again !

Want to adopt me? Lol. Your son is very lucky as are you. You are both learning so much from each other ... these times will stay with both of you forever, it is a wonderful investment in your relationship and personal growth.

This is awesome, Derek. I've read (and reread) a few books recently (Mindset, Deep Work and Kite Runner) that have had me thinking about the father I want to be, all in different ways. How do I want to spend time with my children and what lessons and habits do I want to leave them with. This post was interesting to read in light of that.

Thanks Derek. Love it. What a great Dad. I hear, by the time our kids are 18 we've already spent 80% of the total time we will have with them. Our kids are 13 and 15 now - and family dinner time has become our sacred time - no gadgets allowed. We alternate "music" each night - so, one night it is my son's choice, another it's my daughters, etc. This makes for great conversation and a great way to stay engaged with each other. The music ranges from Panic at the Disco (my daughter) to Drake (my son), to Portuguese Fado (my wife), to Smetena and Miles (me). Music is such a great connector. Stay well...

I never focused on being a parent: I simply was a parent. Of course, it was a different era than today with so much "identity" everything and clinical conscience into "molding" offspring into globally moral entities. And, of course, I was a Mom...not a Dad...in my day [the 1960's]-roles were much different.

I was a stay-at-home mom who stayed home and baked cookies [albeit slice and bake], monitored spontaneous games of whiffle ball from the kitchen window,became a cub scout den mother when my oldest son showed an interest in scouting, sat through years of YMCA basketball games [my husband coached], Little League, PTA Home Room Motherships, high school band concerts [my oldest son loved Dizzy Gillespie and contorted his first trumpet a la Dizzy...we put our foot down with his Strad], I fostered the various garage bands [I'm sure you can relate to that, Derek] when my oldest switched to guitar and without being aware of it apparently instilled a love for classical music and Frank Sinatra because when my youngest graduated from Phillips Andover he wanted Frank's Silver Jubilee Boxed set for a present- he can to this day still sing every lyric to Frank's songs even if in the tone-deaf delivery he inherited from his Dad...

We heaped praise on them for praiseworthy things and never sued the school for bringing to our attention some of their less than praiseworthy behavior.

We made lots of mistakes - but, we were lucky... they turned out fine...and now making their own mistakes LOL...one is a lawyer like his Dad - but also was a super stunt pilot for 15 years doing masterful things in a Yak 55 Russian monoplane - about as far as one could get from anything influenced by his parents...the other a writer and serial entrepreneur...and itinerant dreamer much like his Mom.

I think the bottom line is from most comments: we love our kids...each one is a miracle...another chance...we try. You, and I'm sure your wife, are doing a great job...in my opinion, the most important groundwork parents can foster in their children is self-esteem.

Hey Derek! Sounds like he is one lucky kid! Bravo! I applaud you for you being intentional with him. He will always carry that with him. Kids need inspiration and it sounds to me like you are giving him lots to fuel his mind and his passions! Sounds like another genius in the making! Blessings. Jim Vilandre www.jimvilandre.com

Really awesome you are doing a great job I m counselling lots of parents for early childhood development but the way you have explained and shared everything is really great.

Bonding with your child is a good thing. Most parents don't get enough time with their children, too busy making a living, something I was guilty of.

Derek, I am not a parent, but IF I were I would steal this parenting ideology and claim it as my own...I LOVE THIS!! Of course, this could transcend parenting and be used as a relationship tool in general, starting with ourselves.

Hmm - Parenting. Both my boys are now in their 30's. Both married and one gave us our darling granddaughter. I remember how afraid I was in 1981 when Dylan was born. Hell, I'm was a scientist, surfer, tennis bum. In hindsight I remember telling him when in a moment of discipline, "I was there in the delivery room and there was NO INSTRUCTION manual, mom and I are doing the best we can." We showed them what a loving relationship looked like (Laura and I have been married 40 years). We were never their best friend, we were their loving examples and always their mom and dad. I guess my dream outcome is now my reality - produce two loving caring citizens of this small blue dot we call home. We wanted to open roads and allow them to find their way and with God's blessings they did!

I do this with my grandkids.i thought I was the nly ne.i this present world I parental alienation I say "You go dad. Cherish every moment for a moment in time is all we get and then they are grown.

You touch on a great point. This is the essence/philosophy behind my favorite book "The Virtue of Selfishness" in which Ayn Rand - finally, someone! - doesn't apologize for living and acting in their own best interest. I'm a parent too, and raising my kids was one of the most rewarding times in my life; they are now both quite beautiful and successful young adults.

Derek, that's amazing! I love the way you write and what you have to say.

Nine years ago, my partner and I gained custody of 7 nieces and nephews. We'd never had children before. I wish we had done a little more of what you describe. Now too many of them walk around with phones glued to their palms and eyes glued to their phones. When we say, Let's go to the beach house, they are reluctant!

Not to say we haven't had many heart to hearts and lots of love. But I do wish we could spend more time just hanging out, as they would say. I hope it's not too late for us to put more effort into that.

Thanks for this,
Marla

My son's autistic. This was diagnosed officially when he was 5, but I think my ex and I knew way before that. I was a bit like this with him. He had lots of attention, lots of input, which I believe helped a lot, especially as he could find it difficult to connect with other kids. There was so much he just didn't get.

He's now 27, and after years of struggling and working hard through mainstream school, then in what we in the UK call a further education college, where he did lower level Media courses, he went to university miles away, living independently, and getting a really good degree in Film. He's currently doing an assessment with a national broadcast channel. When he writes applications, he says stuff like 'I'm autistic and this means I'm really good at focus and detail.'

I'd like to think that all the parental input over the early years has meant that he was able to retain and grow self-esteem, stay grounded, and eventually realise that he was different, but not in a bad way, if society could be grownup enough to accept him as he is.

That is so wonderful Derek. I wish there were more fathers like you in this world. You just came up with a new perspective about parenting and the child-parent relationship.

I think personal development experts should start to focus on this and to provide alternatives on how a parent can discover more about him/herself by discovering the child's world.

Thank you for this advandgarde way of thinking.

I was wondering that most of the political and social problems we've been facing come from people that have not spent time with their parents and don't behave as expected.
Tons of people are sick in their hearts, minds and bodies.
Thanks for one more great article Derek!

Very cool........

Hi Derek:
I usually like your thoughts because you put a lot of time and care into them, and usually you're an expert and i find your insights valuable.

You're right that parenting is a fraught subject. You're right that putting your child's image, etc online is weird. You're right that when you parents invest in their children's world they're also investing in themselves.

But:
1. Most parents don't have 30 hours a week for their kids AND THEY FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS.
2. Most parents, even if they could spend 30 hours a week with their kids wouldn't, because it would drive them fucking batty AND THEY FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS.
3. Most parents know that screens are fucking up their children's minds (and their own) and that they're not doing enough to combat this insidious and ubiquitous evil -- AND THEY FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS.
4. It takes a village to raise a child, not just for the child but for the parents, and also for the village.
5. That being said, most villages are full of bullshit. The species of bullshit depends on the village. What I mean by this is: finding other parents who share your values and with whom you can integrate (to whatever degree) your families can be touch and go.
6. Kids are resilient, and can survive and thrive despite the most fucked up situations. And in fact, dealing with a certain amount of fucked up ness early on may (or may not!) be beneficial for their long term development.

I say all this because it sounds like you're doing an awesome job and having an awesome time (and so is your kid) but if you want your writing about "parenting" to be relevant, interesting and meaningful TO OTHER PARENTS, I would HIGHLY recommend that you speak from a broader perspective than your own.

Toward that end I would recommend that you check out Susan Steiffleman's website:
https://susanstiffelman.com

Also, I think you would enjoy reading (or listening to audio books by) Esther Perel. Especially the later chapters of Mating in Captivity. She is brilliant.

Keep up the good work!
Ben

Truth. I carry with me the realisation I could have been a better father by spending more time on what my children thought about as opposed to what I thought they should. My gift is that I can, and do, pass this realisation along. Thanks!

The best thing that happened to me was getting divorced. My kids Father now spends time with him more than before ( when we were married ) My son was 5 ( his father left at 5 and he is now 10)
We share our son 50/50 of the time and on Sundays ( my w-end time with him ) , my son and I get to do whatever he wants outdoors..he is a great soccer goalie so we go kick the ball alot and I get him off his IPAD ( which he does alot during the week after school ;-( - but not on weekends with me.

LOVE
I think all he wants is to FEEL LOVED, appreciated and understood. Things are not perfect but sometimes a bad event makes you see the light and makes things better in the long term; and our time together is so precious, he grows up so fast so I cherish these moments !

THANK YOU
Thank You Derek for this great post . You are an amazing dad ! Thank you for sharing the light .
I am so incredibly grateful to have met you 13 years ago in LA during the CDBABY days. Never met anyone as genuine as you and especially being in the music industry !! Keep on doing what you do ,

you are loved ☺
Lea

Derek,
This is an excellent viewpoint when it comes to raising kids. Something I can certainly do more of. Your thought process is understandable through your writing, and I appreciate that and this makes me more aware of how I am acting around my son.
Thank you
Bob

Interesting as always Derek. And you make many good points.

But I'm going to take issue with this in one respect. As someone who's raised three well-adjusted, highly productive, independent kids into adulthood, I think you might be spending too much time with him. Kids need to play on their own and more importantly, they need friends to hang with. This might be a great learning experience for you and I'm sure your son derives many benefits from it as well. But he'd be better off playing with a gang of kids and doing whatever kids do.

I also don't think that you can be the adult figure he needs if you're his constant play pal. Dads need to put the hammer down sometimes and if you're his BFF, that might not be so easy as he gets older.

Everyone has their own way as you say but that's my two cents.

Derek,

Greetings from DC! I have to be honest in that I don't always STOP to read your musings, but when I do, I always find something I can use. This time is no exception. I LOVE THIS!

I have two girls and when they were younger, we were right there. At the pool, playground/park for hours; watching cool shows they enjoyed; dancing to 'weird' music; reading books they liked and later, partner reading those same books. Today, not so much. Our lives are sooo full of activities and sports and homework and summer work and errands that we tend to get away from leisurely time to ourselves.

You sir, have inspired me to jump back into that life of yesterday. It's the summer here, so we have time to sit back and chill.

So, thank you! We only get them to ourselves for such a short while, we should all make the best of that time.

Happy summer!

Veronica

Derek - thanks for the reminder to get out of my own world and into my kids' world when I'm with them. Unfortunately when I evaluate myself I realize I'm not always present when I'm with them and I regret it. Good stuff.

Head on Derek, being present is something that is sorely missing in most people's lives. They just don't know it. And being present for and with your child... priceless?

Applying presence to anything we do solidifies our experience of being. The question I always ask myself is how to get people to see this. I might ask, what prompted you to do this? Did you just decide to spend the time with him or did you have a more deliberate purpose? I, for example, have spent much time in this manner with my daughter (and now with my grand daughter) being fully aware of not just what it does for me (honestly, I have been practicing awareness since I was 17 so I have a clarity most people don't) but what it does for them. Today she navigates life with an awareness and focus that allows her to navigate life without getting caught up in it. You will, I'm sure, see the same in your son as he grows. Way cool.

I really like your P.S. comment. Respecting him in that way is something most people don't even remotely consider in today's social media driven, expose everything to the world (then wonder why there's no privacy), way of living. Gotta love the insight!!!!

JB

It's nice that you have the time to spend with your son. I'm sure he will benefit tremendously from the time you spend together. I was not that close to my father, and even though I regret that, I think it helped me to become more independent. I am not a parent myself, but I am wondering if too much support and focus could hamper a child's ability to deal with real life situations where that amount of attention is not available.

Derek,
Thoughtful and insightful, the boy has a father, mentor and guardian. I remember as a young boy my parents would leave me at the piano as long as I wanted to play which was 10 minutes or 10 hours. My siblings wouldn't go near me, it was like a zone. Thank you for sharing this.

Releasing the inner self-child allows adults to be creative - this bonding of
love with your son will "stick" and be treasured by the both of you - forever!

Great Derek. GREAT! Building these important (rare?) brain pathways will last a lifetime for the kiddos. For all i know, this may be the antidote for ADD/ADHD (as this continues to increase)...cultivating long sessions of focus vs. short instant gratification events with constant distractions. Thank you.

My husband was very much like you ! Role play and entered his world - I was very much the practical teaching how to do things - as I am a tutor and art teacher - I think your very lucky to have so much quality time - I had to juggle full time work to keep the house going but wished for what you had ! It is quite right what you say and your sons very lucky

Bravo! Couldn't agree more.

Wow. You are just amazing, period. Wow. Your son is so lucky to work with you. I say "work", because I believe that he picked you as his father, to get this training. Bravo!

Quite an amazing approach. Makes me think. Might be too late for me now, but still. Focussing on the present is becoming ever the more difficult. My phone has become a part of my body. Almost. So, definitely an eye-opener!

Thank you Derek. Very meaningful and well presented.
Best regards.
Donald

This is a great example. Not only for parenting. Every moment we are changing and growing (or shrinking). Being there for others affects how you will change and grow. I like myself less when I have been impatient. I am grateful for opportunities to help others. True growth through helping is never free. You have to give up something, and realize it's ok. The regrets I have are from time I spent not following my own mind. Mostly letting the teachers push me into arguing with my kids over homework.

I am thrilled to see such a loving and caring parent as yourself spending quality time with your son and the freedom of creative exposure is just awesome.
Thank you for posting and sharing.
A.

As a young single parent I never had the luxury of enough time like this with my son. But, I now have with my three grandchildren. I revel in it. There is nothing better in life than sharing it through the eyes of a child. Nothing.

You will not regret a single minute spent this way, and I bet that you have not missed a single message that could not wait. My wife stayed at home and we have no regrets. I have used vacation time for Scouts and we have no regrets. We have huddled up while my wife reads "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever" and we have no regrets. You will NEVER regret those brief and fleeting hours that become mere moments. Mine are 17 and 20 and I don't regret a single second that I have spent with them.

Beautiful!

Yes! We are so with you on not putting our daughter online. We've staked out her name for email and a handful of sites. Will she even use facebook or github? Who knows, but at least she's getting periodic time capsule emails from us. :)

I want to say that being a parent is not only being responsible,but enjoy every moment with them.

Thanks!

Polar opposite of my childhood. I spent many many hours on my own. On a farm, on an Indian reservation, in my room with my Lincoln Logs and Legos. In the sand making things, in the dirt playing with green and tan army men (and now I am one). Although I guess there are some commonalities. No Tech. No rushing me off to the next thing.

Here is my question DS: You seem like a generally successful human, is this how you were "parented" or is this something quality that you've developed in yourself and you want to plant that seed in your son? I remember you've written that you are capable of deep work and long focus. I suspect you are projecting this trait as key ingredient to your son's future...

Perfect lessons of how to raise a child. Amazing article Derek. I wish more parents would escape the day-care culture and spend more quality time with their kids like you do with your son. I don't have kids of my own but I've babysat, taught kids in classes and am an Uncle. I agree with your sentiments 100%.

Another winner brother. My little giant teaches me the biggest lessons everyday.

Hi Derek,

I can tell that you are a great dad. Also, don't hesitate to show him what's your favorite things to do. He will learn that way, too.

All the best,
Gong

That's great and all, but I know very few people who have that kind of time. I would love to be able to spend 30 hours a week one on one with my kids. However most of us are just barely keeping our heads above water in terms of time.

Get financially independent, then you can take this kind of time with your kids. In order to do this in the United States and live a frugal lifestyle, you would need about $1,000,000 at 5% to make $50k a year which would give you the time. So do it right, get wealthy before you have children if this is your expectation.

Well done .i am a bith mum to 5 grown ups .an adoptive mum to a 7 year old and foster mum to 3 more .children learn through play and the world around them and we could all do with finding the innerchild within us .life is to hard not to have fun .And its great you havent used your childs name or put a picture of him in your story .your child is your and not public property .have fun on lifes adventure together. As a wise lady said to me a few times the washing up can wait ...life passes by to quick

Derek,
I LOVE this share. I imagined you being like this when you mentioned being away on an RV trip with your son. Like others, I think you'd dig Dr. Shefali Tsabary's work on Conscious Parenting.
Sometimes as parents, we recreate the way we were parented...or in some cases do the exact opposite. I'm curious, with your unique career path & deep love of learning- what was your parenting/schooling situation like growing up? Only if you feel like sharing...
Appreciating your insight. Parenting & marriage (even entrepreneurship) can be spiritual practices, elevating us to our highest & best selves...if we let them (in my humble opinion)
Glad you are writing more frequently! Thank you!
Electra

Hi Derek. You are doing it right. When asked how my wife and I got such successful children our response was simple. Spend as much possible time with them from age 0-9 as you can. Because by the time they are 13 there is very little you can do.They are 90% formed at that stage.
Quantity (not quality) time early in life pays huge dividends. Way beyond the material things you might strive for in lieu of spending max. time with your kids when they are young, Besides - it's fun!

Here are my thoughts - YOU are the man! (In a good way, of course...) Love this. We are on the same page with parenting styles but you remind me be diligent in my efforts and also provide some great tips! As far as the point of the article goes, I couldn't agree more and I don't realize that enough myself. It is a big topic for sure and one to prompt much self reflection. In general we can learn so much about ourselves by how we interact with others but perhaps no more so than with our children. Also, as I am usually immersed in parenting but suddenly find myself with a few days alone - I am feeling exactly what you are saying - and realizing that as much as I was looking forward to "catching up" on things, those things I do with my son, are also about me and I don't need the excuse of him being around to maintain the integrity of those discoveries. Cool. You = Man

I wish I had a dad like that, and I wish I had been a dad like that - I think?!?! I'm passing this on to my 35 year old son and father of two for his consideration.... if I can squeeze it in to my busy schedule. Just kidding

Major Praise "You won’t find his name or face online." Excellent!

#1 Everyone should take photos of their kids off facebook and everywhere else to protect their kid's privacy!

#2 Attention Span
The Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self-Control, Grit - Perseverance "Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your ALTITUDE."
No technology for kids under 5 years old - no screens unless you're doing it the way derek is with supervision.

#3 "Language is Music and Music is Language" Karen Ellis
Do play parties clap pattern chants and songs with your kids the ones you used to see on the playgrounds. They wire the brain for reading - creativity starts with the arts.

#4 Make sure you kid gets to go to a school that has recess
PLAY builds big brains and makes you intelligent

The secret of raising smart kids - learning is more important than grades - praise hard work and effort. Tomorrow's jobs aren't just about #STEM. That won't future proof anybody. Darwin didn't say the strongest survived, but the most ADAPTABLE!

more edu-cyberpg.com

You broaden my inputs Derek! I thank Tim Ferris in my mind for introducing me to you. Your episode together is so delightful and timeless. Your blog posts are a treat. Have a great day and month and year, from a fan in south Florida! Ed

Great article. I love how you interact with your son. What a great dad you are. I love how you shared about how this is for you as well. Nothing at all wrong with that. Good stuff my friend!!!!
-The Monty'man

Spectacular brother Derek. Glad you are back and killed that inverted ego that had you go dormant.

Are you unschooling? Because that's what it sounds like. We unschool our 11-year-old daughter. It sounds like you may be aware of John Taylor Gatto, but if not (or if your readers are not), I encourage you/them to read his 1990 NY State Teacher of the Year Award acceptance speech. He's written many books since then, but this speech is an overview of his philosophy and your blog here sounds like he could have written it. Encouraging!

speech: http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/john_gatto.html

what a fab dad you are :)

TRY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS, WHENEVER HE'S READY....GOOD LUCK...UR ON THE RIGHT TRACK....TIME AND LEARNING TO KNOW HOW TO READ A BOOK OR BOOKS(DIFFERENT KINDS).
SEE MORT ADLER'S HOW TO READ A BOOK. AND HOW TO THINK.

CUROSITY IS WHAT COUNTS+ balance and simplicity.mostly hugs and love and listening+sharing
and trips together= ur legacy/memories for later.

I loved your post. I do that with my niece. Thats something for mums, dads, aunts and oncles. It's also to be emotionally present for the kids in our universe. Thank you for sharing.

Derek, there are so many meaningful thoughts already, but as a great grandfather I offer one more perspective: 1. Don't overdo it. You recognize that you are doing this for yourself. Thus, you don't want to deny him the opportunity to learn by himself for himself. It is the only way he will learn self confidence as he grows. i.e., don't hover. 2. How about spending a bit more time with your wife? (Please forgive an assumption.) He will primarily learn about love, marriage, parenting, etc., from the modeling you provide. 3. Make the time to spend by yourself for yourself. Be as independent in thought and action as you would like him to be as an adult. Having said that, I must confirm that your son is indeed a very lucky child.

Thank you for expanding on this topic that you briefly mentioned on some podcast. It is inspiring.

Paying attention, cultivating new ideas, exposing a child to books, to read, to pour over, to drench themselves in fantasy, is the ground work of a solid educated life ahead. Patience and selflessness comes into play too, and they feel it, along with all the hugs and kisses of affection. One thing I ask of you, and need I even ask ... smash the television, but take him to the cinema. Studies reveal that alpha waves projected on a screen from behind, will help us remember the moments on film, clearly and forever. But, when it's being projected in front of you, we tend to forget details. Not to mention the utter crap spewing from televisions, period. So happy for you Derek.

You're like a mind-reader Derek. I was just considering this subject this morning, then I see this. I now have a 10 yr old daughter and a 7 yr old son. I often wrestle with feelings of gross inadequacy as a parent, teacher, guardian, role model for my kids. Nine months ago, the company I worked for for 10 years imploded in spectacular fashion and ever since I have been laser focused on trying to rebuild by career to provide for my family. The attention exercises you describe are awesome and I want to be able to do that too, but I have not done so yet. The era of the iPhone and iPad is encroaching on the way our children interact with their reality. I have a good relationship with both children. I play endless rounds of pitch and catch with my son who loves baseball and my daughter and I walk the dog together in the evenings to chat. No devices. But sometimes I see their minds wander off mid-sentence when I'm trying to impart some wisdom. I believe that FOCUS is one of the most crucial abilities you can instill in a child. Good on you for recognizing this early on.

Excellent!! Sometimes I think my best times with my kids are when we're totally in the moment of "goof"....When we forget the weight of the world and connect as fellow passengers on this journey. Silly goofiness is the path😁

thank you for sharing your thoughts again. So good to read. These are what I call "magical moments" in life your son will never forget and you as well.

Thank you, Derek, this article couldn't have come to my way at any better time. I'm about to become a father in a week or two and what you shared helps me prepare a better mindset about being a parent and I think the essence of being a parent is the only thing you can teach because it is all very different for each one, thank you so much.

@Sophie

I agree so much with you that spending quantities of quality time with our children is counter culture. So wrong, isn't it?

having two kids 9 and 4 I understand, agree and admire what you do.. I try to be as much as possible with them, working on it.. My Ego has won so many battles and stopped me from it many times but I am working on it.
Good example, the ONLY thing kids ask for is TIME.. nothing else.. and its on us to spend it the way they want and try to steer them to new things, over and over and over...

I'm sure many parents wish they had your free time and financial situation to spend more time with their children. Your little boy appears to have a creative even temperament that works well with yours. As you know, your next child might not be as cooperative.

As a teacher, I found the personalities of some children are not conducive to growth and cooperation. Adversity is the mantra for some as they create it and crave it (for whatever reason). "Fear of failure" seems to be the substantial roadblock.

As a parent and teacher, these challenges are where your relationship with the child really connect. My mantra is that you can acquire skill with anything if you realize "We all learn at a different pace" you just have to baby-step into the process and not be afraid to fail. We all fail as it's part of our growth. Love yourself for taking the chance to expand and learn (you will use it somewhere). I think that is the most important process anyone can share. Then spread your wings... Thanks, Mom!

I'll be having kids soon and this is something to definitely apply in the future. Thanks for sharing and for all that you do Derek :)

Dear Derek,

Here are a couple of other things you are doing for yourself (in my view) that you failed to mention:

You are patting yourself on the back (for yourself)

You are creating a person in your own image and assuring the survival of your DNA (for yourself).

Where is the evidence that what you describe in this piece is building a better person in your child? (Maybe it lies in your self-image).

You could also be right as you imply and be doing that which others should do as parents. I'd say the evidence is not in either way.

Cheers, Worth
I agree! It’s funny : those exact things were in my first draft of this article, but I edited them out.
I started out staying there are two reasons why I’ve never written about parenting. The other one was that I have no idea if the things I’m doing are actually beneficial to him or not, and how would I judge? By asking if he’s happy? When? Now? In 20 years? Which matters more?
I removed that point because this article isn’t actually about how I do parenting, even though the bulk of it is giving my examples. It’s really about the point at the end: that the “selfless” things we do are often for our own benefit, anyway. — Derek

Great comments and insight. You never know exactly what needs a child is getting met do you? We are all different and your son is setting up his beliefs and boundaries via your input and the world around him. The long game is so tough for Americans who are usually into immediate gratification and then moving on, so it will be interesting to see how this work you're doing plays out as he gets older.

Great job Derek. Mine are both teenagers now, but I employed many of the same approaches as you when they were small. Still do as much as I can, but they are beginning to assert some independence at this stage. Blessings to you.

Inspiring and thank you!!!!!I needed this.

I love you perspective on this - Thanks for sharing.

Also - keep cultivating that long attentions span, as an Elementary Teacher I can tell you that that will set your kid apart from the pack big time.

This will apply as I now make more time for grandchildren. The "parenting" does not stop with the first generation of offspring.

You are giving your son the best childhood....creating life long memories, and putting the fun in fundamentals. I couldn't stop smiling just reading that. Parenting is love and creativity to the power of 10.
You've got a great recipe and nourishing variety going.
Enjoy every minute of it all, just as I'm sure your son is.
They grow up so fast!
ps/ love your respecting your sons privacy until he chooses - that is a fundamental that is not given enough thought by many.

Derek,
This is a fantastic story. I was a stay home mom (with three kids) for many years. I loved every minute of it. I wouldn't trade this time with my kids for the world. We did a lot together. They're all grown up now and they still thank me over and over again for their wonderful childhood experiences.

Thank you for sharing
Terri Gary

Derek-
Most of the time I wholeheartedly agree with you and love your insight on a topic. However, I'm going out on a limb and DISAGREE with what you're doing. Yes, it's good "Daddy time" but if you really want your child to GROW and become INDEPENDENT, you've got to let go a bit. I'm a child of the sixties and we did not experience the "helicopter parents syndrome". If fact, it was the opposite-- we would leave the house in the morning and not come back until the streetlights went on. WE created our own fun-- tree forts, underground forts, long bike trips (our parents never knew where), playing Army with actual plastic rifles or BB guns! We made our own crossbows and ARROWS from sharpened sticks! We walked across the ice on a huge frozen lake between Detroit and Windsor, Canada until one of us invariably would fall in and the other would pull them out! No kidding! We created our own games and formed teams without the help of a parent-- this taught us leadership and cooperation and organization. We really lived a FREE childhood (without helmets and pads for every activity). Yes, we got a little banged up, but that was part of being a kid. Yes, we had bullies and without parental or teacher intervention, we stood up to them and got over it. Nothing was put on a silver platter for us--- we had to improvise and try to make things work. We learned and we achieved. Looking back, I am SO glad that we had this kind of "Kids World" with no adults hovering around us. We had to create our own form of fun and government for our daily play. I would not trade my independent, creative, FUN childhood for anything that the children today experience under the watchful eyes of their parents.

As my ten year old son and I are starting our summer vacation, I'm planning on spending as much with him as I can. Very much like you, Derek, I try to expose him to all forms of art, including live music, museums, and interesting films. I also try to get him in touch with nature, which means that we go on hikes, kayaking, and trips through the Columbia River Gorge.
One of the most important things I try to connect him with is the relationship to animals, and how to treat them with love and respect. I think this will directly translate to his behavior with his peers.
The electronic devices are well regulated, though we DO have some screen time, just to mix it up.
Thanks for your thoughts, Derek.
Béla

Derek This is Eric in Mexico....Is your bro a musician in PHX

your name seems familiar from 10 years ago

I have a new baby girl.......I am 62 my first
lotsa work and dinero ...but hey ....when she smiles I am captured by her love, attitude attention span and SHE is the boss...it's no longer about me.....Your words are wonderful...Thx for the boost and insight.....so now I will be raising a very precious girl....

Hi Mr. Sivers,
I truly enjoyed your post. I am a nanny and have been for years. I am 60 and have raised a daughter when I was too young. One of the talents I promote when finding employment is my ability to be 'in the moment' with the child. I too find the reward of focusing solely on that child and indulging in her imagination to be so rewarding for us both. I also expose the child to a wide variety of art and music and ideas. I can't think of a better way to spend my life than with a child.
Thank you for sharing your experience. We both and the children we care for are richer for our love.
With high regard,
Denise

I do the same with my son it helps me a lot to people say I need to say no but enjoy being with my son and his friends they lift my spirits

Tintinnabulation! When my two sons and two daughters were in their twenties and thirties, I asked each of them– privately and separately– if they could remember me saying "hurry up." Ever. Each of them thought about it, and then each of them said no. That's how I remember it too. It was no accident. This isn't the only thing I meant to provide, but it was fundamental. Derek, I salute your instincts. Though I do regret some of what I did or did not do as a parent, I'm feeling lucky because my children really didn't hurry, and the people they are now, in their thirties and forties, are more or less (might as well admit this) huge.

This is just brilliant. Thanks you for sharing. Makes me wish my daughter was six-years old again. Actually... a lot of things make me wish that :)

Keen insights on parenting, Derek. Could child rearing be seen as self-parenting? Hmm.

right here right now eternity

I don't have kids but can totally relate to this with my nieces and nephews. Being with them let's you play, imagine, dream and create. Your son sounds like he's having the best time with his dad. And kudos for getting those musical tastes fine tuned. Stevie is a 'must know'.

As one of two dads with twin, five-year-old girls, I struggle with the things you prioritize. It's so easy to tell ourselves there "aren't enough hours in the day," but of course there are. There just aren't enough for all the distractions, along with the real priorities. I feel very much like I show a "do as I say, not as I do" attitude for my children . . . but, of course, they will remember what I did, myself. They play it back to me, every day, and it's not always a flattering mirror they hold up for consideration. Thank you for this post: it gives some concrete things to focus on doing, but also just shows what could be possible, if we decide to do it. Very inspiring.

And now please convey this message to DJ Kaleed. His poor son is being blasted out to the world in an excessive fashion.

All I can say, is ...That's Beautiful, Derek!

My son is now 28 years old and my daughter 25...and those special clock-less playtimes are a wonderful and cherished memory.

I have many of those times captured on video...and let me tell you, video or memory, they are the most meaningful self-less times I have ever and will ever have in my lifetime!

I think the thing I was most impressed with in this article is your choice to not post his face, name or any personal information. I love that you respect his privacy both now and in the future. I see so many parents who post things about their child that they would never ever post about themselves and give no thought to the possible future implications to their privacy concerns. This social media thing is still so new, we really don't know what implications it holds for our kids who have every bath and bowel movement uploaded.
Thank you. I’ve received some nasty emails about this post from people taking insult at that point. — Derek

Excellent. This has great application to grandparents and grandparenting too. Thanks for sharing.

This was a great article and something I relate to completely. I was a stay at home dad (played piano at night) for my twin daughters and I often thought about everything you've mentioned. I didn't know my own father so I knew how important it was to be present in their lives. In effect, I wanted to be the father that I never had. Deep psychology there! I remember not wanting to pass on my own fears or limitations to them so I consiously tried to overcome them. Something as silly as letting a tarantula crawl on my hand at a petting zoo (even though I really didn't like spiders)..was a way of showing them that tarantualas weren't really scary. I also wanted to give them the broadest of experiences and took them to all types of concerts, museums, hiking, movies and everything we did was an opportunity for conversation. I was aware that many of these things I did were benefitting myself as well. It wasn't always easy and it had it's frustating days but now they are 26 years old and we have an incredibly sweet and close relationship. A beautiful thing is that we still like to do many of the same things together that we did 20 years ago..movies, concerts (all types of music), outdoor activities. Sounds like you and your boy are very lucky to have each other!

Still good advice -- even though my kids are now in their 20s and 30s

I love this piece. Reminds me of my father who never seemed to mind my spending 3 hours staring at the same patch of night sky through his telescope. That, plus the fact that I had four favorite pieces of music when I was roughly 5 or 6 years old: (1) South Street by the Orlons; (2) Prisoner of Love by James Brown; (3) Silkee by Joan Baez; and - wait for it -
(4) Carmen.

Beautiful piece.

Why not get this published in "Parenting Magazine?" Discuss this on radio etc... Write a book about it and speak on this topic. The world needs it.
If you (or anyone) wants to do that, please feel free to. I’m not going to. — Derek

Hi Derek; it seems like you have stumbled onto
something that may help you become a better parent, in your eyes, but I come from the old school, and I believe that it's better for the parent to Lead A child in the way he should go, not letting he or she make all of their decision.

This wonderful little article reminded me other this (other wonderful) post today:
https://www.upworthy.com/a-viral-photo-of-a-calm-dad-and-a-screaming-toddler-holds-an-important-parenting-lesson

Gives me hope for today's parents, and future humanity. I'll have to remember all this when I'm a parent/guardian/babysitter/dog parent... ☺

Nothing to add - just want to say how much I appreciate you! <3

Thank you for sharing Derek. I think your parenting method is fantastic and I only wish more parents followed your example. It is so sad to see so many parents of young children so disengaged and uninterested in their kids. For example yesterday on the way back from a walk in a local park, we came across a man and a boy of around six. The man was on his mobile phone and the boy had taken his pants off and was urinating freely. There were trees nearby and the toilets were quite close and yet the man made no effort in taking the boy to the nearest tree at the very least. Scenes like these are all too common nowadays and what really alarms me is that no influencers or decision-makers at government level are talking about the population explosion and the way people all over the world from all walks of life and all backgrounds are having babies like they were fashion accessories!

I suspect that there are few dads/parents like you.

Did not even know you had a kid, Derek! :)
As always, your original way of thinking will I am sure create the best results, for your kid :)

When the child starts to read books, offer this proposal, you'll read any book your child offers to you to read if they read any book you offer to them. This can continue for a very long time

Thank you Derek. Although all of my kids are college aged, I am going to use this with them. As a matter of fact, I am going to use it with everybody I can.

Thank you again

Hi again Derek,

I noticed in your reply to one of the comments here that you'd gotten "some nasty emails about this post from people taking insult" at your postscript. I realize it's bad form to link to a piece I wrote from one of your posts -- but it's too on point for me to resist. :)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/maureen-anderson/whose-life-is-it-anyway_b_12035700.html

Forgiven?

Maureen
☺ Good one! Thanks for this. — Derek

Yup. That's what I've been doing for 14 years and I've lost "friends" over it because they felt I was giving too much, investing too much time in my kids and not enough in my self. Their loss because none of that is true - 2 businesses and plenty of music and art testify to my own growth, which has only been enhanced by my childrens' presence (presents) in my life. I've gotten to reclaim the childhood I never had, as well as my creativity, in ways I wouldn't have had without my kids.

5 Stars!

The first thing that jumped into my mind was "I'm glad I didn't have the distraction of a mini computer/cell phone when my kids were young" because I enjoyed every moment of being with my kids. Our library bag was a huge sail bag and weighed a ton. We would rush home and have a "book fest"....trips to the zoo, the children's museum, the beach, the forest....watching Disney movies. Man....I have to go find a kid to borrow because the second thing I realized after reading your post is that "I really miss those moments." Don't take a moment of it for granted!

Great comments Derek. I just spent the weekend with my 1 1/2 year old grandson and watched in amazement as he transferred sticks from his wagon into a big mailbox package pickup container in front of his yard. He carefully opened the door, placed a stick in and repeated. Then, he did it all over again and put them back in the wagon. I wasn't rushed and didn't even have a cell phone near me to turn off! Pure fascination watching that young brain figure things out!

What a great reminder to all us parents -often seeing our kids as an inconvenience to be squeezed in between meetings, calls snd checking updates!

I vow to things differently from today on. Thank you

Sounds like you allowed becoming a parent to change you. By doing so, we can now mold our lives and interests to benefit both our children and ourselves. Much better than feeling like your kids are preventing you from doing x. New kinds of fun!

Thank you!

My kid is almost 20. My mom gave me 1 item of parental advice which I've taken to heart. "Never forget what it was like to be a kid."

Perfect parenting and living! If only there were more like you.

Beautifully written. Parents or not, we could all pay more attention paid to others. You have found a great way to do it!

Thanks! FWIW, one day (maybe it was a particularly fraught day or just a normal fraught day) my son asked me "Why did you and mommy decide to give birth to me?" I paused because I'd asked the same question of my parents and never received a satisfactory answer. After all, it is a big responsibility to bring another human into existence with all pros and cons that that entails. I told him "Because we thought we'd all love each other." He seemed satisfied with that answer and so was I.

Absolutely love this, and so happy to hear of such a mindful parenting approach. My son is now 8, coparented 50/50 between myself and his dad in a typically hectic American life. This post is a good reminder to me of the importance of presence, and how I can introduce more of that in our time together.

Thanks for sharing!

Derek, I wonder how you guide your son to have the "will-power to stay disciplined" towards the activities that he chooses to do?

My son is 2 1/2 years old, and I have also been spending lots of 1-on-1 hours with him (15-20 hours per week) since his birth.

I have not thought about parenting from your angle before, i.e. I benefit from the things that I do with him as much as he does. Very interesting! And it's true.

Recent major lessons I learnt from my son:-
1) Human being is driven by "seeking pleasure". One should stop pretending and be honest to yourself. The quality of your decisions will improve as a result.
2) Be curious!

I really think that's awesome.But every child has different likes and learn differently I understand what you were saying about learning as well but what may work for you dose not mean it will work for some one else.you know what gets me I listen also read about how to parent.we all have different personalities

I'm with Katya #19.
I do agree with your PS.

You've described what it's like to be immersed in PLAY. Play and imaginative games are important aspects of creativity and learning. Being a great dad isn't just about ignoring the phone, it's about giving your son your undivided attention. Well done, Derek.

I love this, Derek. I'm so glad that you and your son spend quality time together. Thank you for sharing this story.

Definitely one of my favorite of your posts in a while. Thank you for sharing. It's beautiful. If I'm ever lucky enough to become a parent, I might copy, in my own way.

This reminds me of an explanation I was once told why Mexicans are often late to events. If you and I meet and I am on the way to an event, and I would be just on time if I kept going, but you and I start talking. The relationship is more important than being on time to any event, so we talk until we finish our discussion. Then, I will move on to the event. Priorities are placed on people and relationships, not just a time clock. I think this is what you are saying about being with your son.

Thank you, Derek! It seems like a meditation experience... focusing exactly on what you're doing. Inspiring example.

That's beautiful Derek, I myself have chosen not to be a father as a grew up without a dad and my mum was far from a perfect, also being from a single mother immigrant family we struggled. A LOT! And I don't have the financial position to be able to afford a child (id like to adopt if possible) without financial struggle which I think is paramount..I envy that you can focus for hours at a time, it's a luxury most of us don't have and j hope you can pass that onto your son. It's really cool that you've introduced him to an eclectic mix of music. Shoutouts to dervish radio, my mum listens to that stuff a lot. My aunt used to make traditional instruments in iran.
Cool! I love Radio Darvish! It's my default listening. Been listening for almost 10 years and not sick of it yet. — Derek

Thanks Derek, cann't agree with you more. A Chinese saying“育人即育己”meaning "rearing children is cultivating yourself", relates to what you said, cause kid is like your mirror image. And my experience of reading picture books with my 3 year old daughter resonates to your accompany with your boy. Great really!

Hi Derek,

Thanks for keeping in touch with your readers and posting this at a perfect time: my wife is due in less than a week and I like to be everything you described here and more.

Best,
Omid

F yeah Derek, good dadding mate.

Hey Derek, haven't commented in a while. You have some good thoughts. Especially about disconnecting from technology. Here is a song I wrote about that. Especially pay attention to the last verse: http://www.broadjam.com/artists/songs.php?artistID=24409&mediaID=679517&play=true

I would also recommend that your son listen to Christian music. Jesus has so much love....I want every kid in the world to know about Him.

Mrs. Kate

Great article!! A wonderful reminder to slow down and just play. I have my first child now too, it is so much work but so much reward.

Thank you, I needed a perspective change on my mental frame work for how I viewed my time with my children. They deserve more of me, a present and enthralled me, and this is a wake up call to make adjustments. I like the acknowledgement of benefits to self, for me this is crucial to upping and maintaining the drive to change.

I think your story makes a lot of sense. Quality time with your child is so important and it starts from the very beginning of life. It's a bond with your child that is so important. It sets the stage for both his and your future.
The one thing i am not so sure about is going on for hours like you have all the time in the world. I guess it is good if you don't have to work or have any other responsibilities. I always just went by the simple fact of life that there is a time and place for everything. You are a great father! I hope both moms and dads read this and can get from it what i did. Thanks for sharing your story with me Derek.

The benefits to loving children this way is one of the world's most neglected secrets.

Wow Derek I didn't know you had a son. Wonderful for you. Perfect timing as my son is now 10 months and I am always looking for other cool Dads to learn from and share with. Many blessings to you.

Nice post. I'm glad that you're deliberately cultivating his long attention span. There's a lot of pressure these days to go for shorter and faster, but it's important to have balance and range.

Selfless acts are always for the benefit of both giver and receiver . If you have a stack of books in your hand and they are really dear to you but along comes a person who is need of some wisdom that one of these books contains and although dear to you , you give them one of these books. What's left in its place ? ..............space........, for something new to fill it. What we in turn are receiving is light , energy , spirit , a new book to fill its place , joy whatever you want ito call it. But it's the essence of who we are and what we are here for. Change , growth , transformation so it's definitely something we desire in the process of selflessness, conscious or unconscious. So in the end it is for our benefit , and what I think you are referring to in missing those moments Derek while your little guy is away , is the pure joy of experience love like that ; pure love without conditions that you are gaining by being present fully and wholeheartedly and by giving of yourself. On a side note I could really use a friend these days. I know you don't receive personal emails and I've never had the pleasure of sending you one but I do need a friend who has seen a few things to speak with. . Best to you D, G.

You've touched on some good stuff here Derek -- and a topic that's not all that much touched on. It's an interesting thing between parent and child, ... it seems the bond is so strong, it seemingly sometimes knows no boundaries.

And so, when our children are young, are we doing it for them or are we doing it for ourselves ? I think its both as in a lot of ways we are all One.

My daughter -who is nine - just started playing tennis a couple of years ago. We have something of a schedule going whereby we hit the courts together two to four days a week. It's up to her really but I always try to be ready.

And she's doing really great. Certainly, this is her success but in some ways, is it mine too?
I think I'll be allowing her the credit, and while I do enjoy it, I am doing it for her, or for us. But I do seem to enjoy it a whole lot. So, it is interesting ...

All I know is I'd do absolutely anything for her in a blink of an eye. ... And, I'd being doing it for both of us. It is an interesting thing between parent and child. ...

great life lessons. This rare discipline of distraction free attention to your son is inspiring & taken to a deeper level, of course by realizing it's also for you.

I think what you're doing with your kid is awesome. It is the right training. Too much distractions and short attention spans due to technology these days. Bravo.

It's very unique to spend time with your boy like this Derek. Are you working on creating a Sivers school? I'd send my son there. He's 2.. there's time!
I'd like to hear your thoughts on how school would work in your mind's eye. Just fantasy, no pressure. 🤗

This is very interesting . I had no idea you wrote articles like this wow great job thank you so much for sharing them with me.

I admire my Father, though we have never been close, as we are made of different matters.
I am made of mostly Magical Things, and he is made to 'Do the RIGHT things'.
My father has been successful in the world. He has been married to my Mother for 51 years. He has done, and been retired from, a job which he was good at... I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
I write songs. Some are' GOOD', https://soundcloud.com/ardensong/mr-icarus-61516-659-pm
...and now my Father sings in a choir... I may have put some Magic MoJo on him, and though he likes it, he still doesn't get it.
My son, who I named Lennon, has recently started a career in coding. He is smart and resourceful, but young and inexperienced..
I thought of you first, as a potential 'Guru'/ please help me/ Help Desk/ Friendly Guide for a boy who simply needs a lightbulb switched on...
It would mean Mountains to me if you would reach out to him with coding support, as I have nothing but music to offer him, and my practically useless LOVE.
[email protected]
I thank you for sending words of encouragement to my Boy.
My deepest respect.
~michael

What a great piece, Derek! Thank you so much! That really struck a chord.

I love this post Derek. I love how my five year old can share her experience of seeing "Wicked" in a way no one else in my family can come close to. I have a deep appreciation for hearing this because it validates me as a father who is interested in his kids lives. Thank you.

This is absolutely awesome!! If more parents (especially fathers -- due to the escalating fatherless homes) could understand the value of spending "quality time" with their son(s)and daughter(s), society in general would benefit greatly.

And, lastly, it is so vital to let children be children -- to discover and enjoy God's beautiful creation. Derek, keep up the good work!!!

Loved this article Derek. For those of us addicted to our phones, I recommend listening to this... https://twitter.com/BBCRadio4/status/876783879801249794

Wonderful, and yes so true. (I'm not a parent, but that last line resonates so much.) Thank you.

I like how you crystallized the thought with the last bit there. There's a lot of debate about the impossibility of literal altruism. You can make the argument for almost any seemingly altruistic action and show that there is a benefit for the altruist. For example, people have a better self-worth when they can donate to good causes. Some people spend time bragging about it and get external validation as well.

Thanks for sharing those musical genres,artists,etc. I've listened to bits of the first two and I just made a Miles Davis station on Pandora. Thanks for broadening our horizons as well. Thanks from one dad to another.

I'm glad you decided to start writing more frequently.

Great post Derek! I have 4 kids. I wish I could spend that much one on one time with them! Glad you're enjoying it, 3-6 is such a fun age!

A very interesting post. Shades of John Lennon. Of particular interest to me was the reaction of some of the female readers, i.e. "I want to have babies with you", etc. Not sure if times have changed or we're just getting older, but it's nice to see that a man who loves children and is into raising a family is considered "hot"!
You’re the first one to mention John Lennon, but yeah he was totally the influence on this. Back when I was a teenager, I heard that he so regretted not having time for Julian, that when Yoko had Sean he just told his manager to say no to everything, that he was just going to disappear and be a full-time father for 5 years. And he did.
Ever since I heard that, I felt that if I ever have a kid, that's how I'm going to do it. And I did.
It's the main reason I moved to New Zealand: to say no to everything, and be a full-time dad for his first 5 years, like Lennon. — Derek

Hey Nice!!!

I stopped reading your stuff I think about a year or two ago, (could have been more?) as you were getting too much into what I thought was mundane small business start up and chintzy motivational commercial stuff ... the creativity seemed boxed..

But this latest ... Ah Ha!... Derek the Great, Derek the Viking Explorer has returned

I'm Glad I decided to open this one... I'm back to reading Derek Sivers! Thanks!

Bravo!

God's Love to the Adventurous the Seekers!

Rod

Thanks Derek!

Truth be told, I was going to start looking to see if you had any articles on parenting. Though I realize that every child is an individual, I wanted to see if there are any common threads to parenting (I've been keeping an alert ear on the Tim Ferriss podcast for any mention on the subject as well). It sounds like most of what you, Josh Waitzkin, and others that I've been listening to do is spend quality time and in the process both of you grow. It's beautiful!

Very happy to read this, and I commend you on your courage. Parenting is such a quagmire of strong emotions that anything you write about it is likely to be devisive.

I've been wanting more of the men I look up to in the online world to talk about parenting for a long time. Leo talks about it a lot, but I'm so glad to see it from you as well. I value your "different approach" to life in general. Thank you for sharing your unique approach to perhaps the most important thing most of us will do with our lives.

Hi Derek. Wow!! Applause!! YOU are on target!! Thank you for sharing!! This is wonderful how you are helping develop your son’s long attention span and realize the benefits of your engagement with him. The family structure in society is so broken. Your summary of quality time shared with him is rare! Or it seems rare....I have not known any brother to be this transparent in writing or otherwise. It's like the village is all but gone or simply ghost.

Regardless, your blogs have inspired me to get mine done. I have so much to share pertaining to care-giving and the journey of awareness as all of us are living yet eventually will face some challenges prior to leaving this earthly realm.

Keep doing what you're doing. Many are blessed by the gift of YOU!

This happens to me with my little sister as well (: I liked the article very much.

thank you Derek. You are right. As much as they're learning from us so are we.GB

Thank you so much.

Hi Derek,

I really enjoyed reading this post. I can relate to it in a different way, I don't have kids (yet) but whenever I am around kids I remember how simple life used to be when I was that age. We have such a sensory overload these days it is easy to lose sight of the little things that matter. I have imagined raising kids in a similar fashion, I am glad to read it from someone else.

Cheers, hope this finds you in good health.
Yes! We spend hours doing the most “boring” things : just throwing rocks in the river, or climbing trees. No screens needed. — Derek

You are doing this for lots of reasons;

- for him - kids love anyone who fully engages with their world and they love their parents even more when they do that
- for you - as you say it allows you to switch off from other worries and distractions, and you also know that is always time well spent
- for your self-image - I feel great about spending lots of family time and I feel great that I truly enjoy it. - Win Win.

Hey Derek,

First off I love how you specified the period one should listen to Stevie Wonder (I concur). Can't agree more with your parenting assessment.

Just took my little guy camping for the first time. Pure guy time. After enduring him berating me for taking too long to set up the tent I proceeded to wow him with my fire building skills. Grilled burgers and dogs on the portable Coleman stove. He said he couldn't believe how good a burger can taste. Told him everything tastes better when you're camping. Then we made smores over the fire. He must have spent an hour just lighting a stick on fire and pushing around the red hot coals. Just watching his face lit up by the fire enthralled by that simple act was priceless.

Took him fishing on the river the next morning. Showed him how to cast and reel in a spinner and caught a beautiful brown trout on the first cast. His mind was blown. But it all came together when he caught his first fish. Then his second. He was out of his mind and so was I.

Couldn't help but think that this is something he'll always remember. And yet it's a memory I know I will never forget. So simple but so special.

Thanks for reminding us what matters.

Beautiful! Thank you for sharing this with us.

Thanks, I needed that.

I've been re-reading "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. I'm always struck by how fundamentally easy it is to be (mostly) at peace with EVERYTHING. Childcare, as anything in our lives, can be a meditative practice, just as you are experiencing. Joy can only be experienced, by others and ourselves, when we are present.

Derek,

I was extremely touched by this and a bit sad. I feel I have let my children live pass to quickly without me present. The stupid chase for the $$$ that doesn't really matter in the end. I am a single dad raising 2 children now with the 3rd already grown. I am working on giving them my time. each day I make them a meal or hopefully three and then drive them to school with a podcast on from someone I respect (including you on Tim Ferris or others) and I try to engage them in thought. On the weekends I show them something new or a movie to let our thoughts be entertained. When they were younger I would read to them every night and tell repeat to them before they fell asleep "I am strong, smart, I can do anything, the world is beautiful and life is amazing. you can be whatever you desire and life is good" This became a nightly mantra until they were double digits - then suddenly they were told old to repeat it, but it has stuck in my heart and mind and your post makes me realize how it is so important.

As a non parent, I find reading posts like these really insightful. And it's great to see people like you Derek, who admit that they're getting as much from it as the child is.

No doubt your son will benefit from this attention in ways he cannot comprehend later on in life.

But I think the elephant in the room is that you are on of the very few people who can actually afford to spend this much time on child rearing. Most people would love to spend this time but their financial situations prevent them from doing so.

..i'm sure you're a great father Derek. Yet,i'll bet many parents would say, i need to work 40+ hour's a week. Unless, their "independently" wealthy (like myself) or just unemployed or under employed. I can't afford to spend 30 hours a week with my child/children. True it is. Then again, perhaps their wrong. I live in Japan. What i've noticed within the past 6 years (since becoming a father) is: a lot of mothers, when they're outside with their children-do not "play" with them. They either chat with other mothers-about how "wonderful" and "great" their (next "project-genius in the making")child/children are. Or they look into their smart phone. It's the fathers, who usually play with their child/children.Smart phones- i hate them. I do not have one-i refuse to be sucked into them. I see so many ppl., families outside, having family dinners, dates. What i often time see is: everyone, instead of talking to each other, checking their smart phones. Terrible-absolutely detrimental to human interactions with one-another. I believe younger generation feels more at ease interacting with "someone" over the internet, rather than talking to someone in person. Robots? Yep, or at least soon to become "zombified" dumbed down "things" not humans. So sad.
I have a solution Derek. Yes, spending a lot of time with your child is great, actually wonderful. If possible, make another child, no, make as many as possible-it's good to have many. That way, siblings can spend more time with one another. I believe children enjoy playing and spending time with their parents. But, i also believe that children prefer playing/interacting with their peers, perhaps even more than with their parents.
As for your question"parenting, who is it for"? I think many parents have children because they want them to be the next "remarkable-genius". They want them to become doctors, liars (or was it lawyers), bankers, presidents, etc. In other words-someone with influence in the sociaty, someone with money and power.Since those parents themself are very "materialistic-minded", they believe that the only way you can achieve "happiness" in life is-to become successful and wealthy. They do not care about the fact that, children, when growing up-should be "enjoying" their "short time" of being a child aka playing and being silly. They place them in all sorts of "special" schools (private), programs, etc. A child to them is not a "human-being" (ie, childs wants, desires, feelings, likes/dislikes are not often taken under consideration), a child to them (parents who are delusional-miserable creatures themself)is a "personal-ego-driven pet-project".Look at my child-he/she is now all grown up-a successful and wealthy. He must be very "happy" now. Was just reading the other day. In Japan the leading cause of death for men age 20-40 is suiside. I'll bet many of them had parents who pushed them a bit "too far". Let the child choose their own course in life. After all, a perent should only guide a child in life.Don't "preach" them, don't "teach" them-just "advise" them and "guide" them.
If you want to read more, the book by Derek Sivers and Urmas Mollerson "Don't be a an "ass-hole" parent", or face the consequences", is (not yet) available on Amazon. Will keep you posted as soon as it becomes available. In the mean time read more great articles by Derek Sivers at ......org.

Nice read. I put picture of my daughter up online and now I feel bad.

I am 51 and a stay at home dad with my daughter who is my granddaughter. My meth drug addicted homeless daughter had a baby and my wife and I found out about her when she was a week old. (she is drug free but could suffer some issues later from the exposure - but we figure we will love the shit out of her regardless) Then we had her a week later. So I let go of my business and now a stay at home dad. She is now 5 months old and smiles at me and makes me warm inside. I am grappling with my self worth not making money and the pull of cell phones and computers is always there.

m

A great preparation for a future solid citizen. He will forever be grateful to you.

Your teachings and patience have similarity to the Reggio Emilia approach in our lives … but yeah, without going into parenting, you discover yourself too! Good stuff :)

Diverse music is awesome. Maybe that is what it is all about … listening.

Very interesting way to look at life.

hi derek! what a nice read! sounds very good to me....best wishes ! tina

I used to love stick swords too. I'd never miss a chance to make a new one, or to just swing around for hours... :)

Being a young adult and not a parent yet, I see another dimension of "parenting is not just for the kid". There's this phenomena of the suffering mother who sacrifices herself for her children, which produces immense guilt with the kids. I would never do anything to make my mother unhappy, after all, she sacrificed her whole life for me etc.

Just a random thought I had.

Great content, thanks!

Bostjan

Derek,
It is amazing when we have children, we know they are to learn so much in this world, as a parent we do learn with our children, throughout their lives into adulthood.

I am going to forward your email to my son who has 3 children his youngest is 4 years old.

Keep up the great parenting.
Denny

Hi Derek -

You make your life fascinating. Whether you want to be successful, happy, or parent as best you know how, you do it in a way that makes me think, "Damn, only Derek could've reacted like that."

That's a gift I'm sure you've worked incredibly hard to cultivate --- something all of us are working to cultivate. Being so uniquely our own selves in everything we do, that anyone we meet either adores us or loathes us.

I look forward to further emails. You provide a reminder, kind of like a career // life meditation: meditation is returning to the present --- a new post from Derek reminds us, Stop pretending to be what you're not.

That's your message, bro. Cheers. Keep doing you.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Reading them, I'm always impressed by what an exceptional human being you are. I expect your son will grow to be a blessing to the world, as you are.

Outstanding job!
I see excellent innovation in your efforts as dad Derek. Well done indeed.

Cultivating a long attention span -- such a simple but effective idea to just let a child be. I wonder if it's applicable to older children?

Shash

Absolutely brilliant! I am forwarding this article to the parents of my three year old great grandson. Fortunately he is into drawing and does not play with electronics. He also makes up songs and sings like a rock star. Thanks for this message, especially in today's fast paced world.

I am an attorney who deals represents children whose parents are going through either a divorce or break up, What the parents have done is pt their dislike for each other over their love for the child. I think all these parents should read this. Wonderful words Derek.

Thank you for sharing this story. As a father, I am inspired to follow your example and spend more quality time with my sons. I resonate with what you wrote: I am constantly learning from my sons (even though they don't yet speak). The most crucial thing I am learning is patience.

I've been thinking a lot about "long attention span". I think it is very important because there is a lot of instant gratification going on these days. Meaningful, quality work requires an above-average attention span.

Long attention span might be a key to success. It could require a decades long focus to turn vision into reality.

Good work - keep it going. I did similar things with my now adult children.

Taking care of relationships within the family is very worthwhile, and sometimes the most important thing of all. It's a bit of a luxury to have all that time, but of course benefits you too, as you've seen. If we have a main mission for our time here, it's to enjoy life as best we can, so play on!

As always, insightful, off the beaten path, simple and elegant. Your words continue to inspire me to enact change into my life. As a father of three toddlers, I'm more and more mindful of the opportunity to live my life wholeheartedly WITH my kids despite all the challenges. Thank you.

That's how you do it! It is like meditation. I was a working musician when my son was young. Actually, I still am, but, we spent lots of daytime hours together. We'd make up games, stories, go on bike rides, all kinds of stuff. Now he's my partner in a couple of musical projects. We don't always agree or even get along. But at the end of the day (or night) we have a bond that can't be broken. Best investment of time, or anything else, I ever made.

Wonderful article Derek - thank you!

Great article Derek. I have two boys under 5, i totally get it.

Thanks for this!

My first 'Lil Schwilly is on the way (Due Dec. 7th) and this is EXACTLY what I need to hear right now ;)

This has been the most touching thing that you've written, in my opinion. My wife and I have had 3 kids on 3 different types of birth control. We weren't ready for the first, the second, or the third and, honestly, I struggle everyday with being a parent, still. I have such big plans for my life and often, when I'm with my kids, I just think about how much I could be getting done and how annoying they can be. It takes an embarrassing amount of effort to pay attention to them. I think back to my childhood and my dad. My parents never divorced and I can't tell you a conversation I had with my father until I was in my late teens. He worked ALL OF THE TIME. I now realize that I'm turning into my dad. I don't have any attention for my kids because I'm trying to conquer the world. I'm not blaming my father whatsoever but maybe I skip the 5 years of being an opiate addict if he were around more to help me deal with the trauma that I dealt with. He looks at me now with so much regret and I feel terrible for him. It scares me that I might look at my kids the same in 25 years. I'm going to bookmark this page to remind myself of what a good dad looks like. To remind myself that if Mr. Sivers can turn his phone off to play with his kid then so can I because, Lord knows, he has a lot more important shit to do than I do. Thanks Derek!

Great post Derek!
I like your attention span idea. I will keep it in mind when playing with my son.
(begins searching for a new pond to visit while listening to Radio Darvish)

Good for you, Derek. It's a pity more parents don't follow your example. Kids would be so much better off for this amount of attention. Too many are ignored by their parents most of the time and their viewpoints dismissed as being not important. Thanks for sharing this.

What is it with you ?,
Why is it out of the countless e mails I , like everyone around me receive daily, when I see yours I tend to relax a bit and always , without fail, say to myself -"Oh great something to peruse that doesn't envolve , buying, selling, apolagising or stressing - something that's just , well-Good and really worth reading and learning and mostly, agreeing with and usually from the heart. That's some rare shit right there!..

Out of countless e mails from various friends, yours has a such a clear , innocent almost naive message of truth to it - I'm sending this today to my dear friend in Sydney ( also happens to be my incredible x wife) - im in New York and for the last few minutes felt transported to NZ or wherever you and your son are.

I raised my little girl mostly - her amazing Mum being the 'out in the world high achieving hard working , earning spouse. I too spent , and am terribly greatful for that , the majority of the time raising, teaching ( being taught) and growing with our gorgeous little daughter.

So much resonates with what youve written with what I went through and grew through with her ( she's now 11) so often whilst we'd walk back from Central Park or a play date or after being emerged in a seemingly futile game or two - I'd wonder , just as you have , "was it for her or me?".

Thanks , as ever, for a truly thought provoking piece .
Her beautiful, caring wonnderful, Mum and I didn't make it, unfortunately, but I had the honor and education of raising a phenominal young lady who to this day reminds me of the , lessons, and journeys and 'pranks and silly scare games' that we played. She'll never forget the drawring sessions, the music ( playing along on her flute whilst I strummed, the reading in the evening and the 'just being' moments..but mostly , after hearing sometimes even complete strangers coming up to us and complimenting her behavior or some gentle rare action she'd done, As I basked in the compliments , often wonder- 'This is as much for me as her'... Thanks for your provoking and truly beautiful organic intelligent piece.
It's probably the fact that you don't start your notes with: 'For only $29.99 you can read the whole book etc etc .. you just share and for that mamgmanimus, caring effort and act - i genuinely thank you.

Klive D

Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Derek! I'm the artistic director of the Nashville Shakespeare Festival and I always encourage parents to bring their young ones and sit right up front. Too many times I see parents sitting close to the back of the field because they know their children are going to get bored or antsy (and of course, when they can barely see and don't feel as much a part of the action, they do!). It is exciting and rewarding to see a 2 or 3 year old child stay engaged throughout an entire play written by Shakespeare! Our Festival is almost 30 years old, and I have talked to dozens of parents who say their first memories are of sitting and watching one of our plays. Now they bring their littles and sit on blankets right up front. Life is a lot more fun when you actually live it, eh? Play on! xo

Derek! This is fantastic stuff. Thanks for sharing. Every moment of your time you spend with a child is a huge learning indeed!
Hema

Derek! This is fantastic stuff. Thanks for sharing. Every moment of your time you spend with a child is a huge learning indeed!
Hema

I have always enjoyed reading about your perspective on most things, it's obvious that many others do as well. Intrigues me that you live in New Zealand, as do I. (I lived in Canada and first received a email reply from you about my CD, (after submitting it to CDbaby) my cd, my great accomplishment I hardly did anything with). I'm working on a dairy farm with my husband and 2 kids, 7 and 11, down on the South Island. Also separating from my husband... and dairy farm life... feeling all a bit lost for direction at the moment.
Anyways all that aside, this article hit home to me as I've lost touch with both kids just recently, as stress levels have increased and turmoil of life has used up all energy I've got... I'm so keen to run away to a Bach in the middle of no where and live with my kids and let them reunite with themselves instead of school and TV whitewashing their brains...
I wonder what you will chose to do with your boy? Homeschooling? Or school? Does he attend play centre or preschool? I know you don't answer questions, but Maybe it'll be in another blog I Read one day...
anyways cheers to you, you very intriguing, curious man, influencer of many...
Take care.
Shelley

I wish I had cool pictures like his, in an island, with horses, holding a stick like it's a sword... lol Awesome photo! You're like the king-dad of all dads, Derek.

I love this insight to your parenting style Derek, I see far too often parents out with their kids at a park and they will be on their phone paying no attention to them at all. I am not saying that I give my children 100% of my attention but if we all take steps in the same direction that you have it has got to be better for the kids right?! Thank you very much for sharing

I used to do these same things with my now 30-year old daughter. I don't regret a second! The world needs more dads like you.

You´re getting kids of egoistic reasons and became a parent for the rest of your life.

Thanks Derek for sharing this. You´re a fantastic dad!

I'm so jealous! I wish that all parents could see things the way you do and that all children have the fortune of such an amazing parent. I want to say something like along the lines of how fortunate you both are. How fortunate he is to have such an open-minded, thoughtful and considerate father. How fortunate you are to be in a position to parent this way. Honestly though, I don't know if it's fortune that's lead you both to this beautiful place or not. Either way, I wish you both continued fortune and gratitude for the positive impact you both have on the future of humanity.

Children make me live in the present, and everything becomes easy then. I appreciate the beautiful thoughts that you share with us. Thank you so much.

that's beautiful , sounds like you're doing a wonderful job at parenting derek, savor every moment for sure. these are the special times. before they get big and stinky,(cuz they all do ) way before the world leaves it's imprint , long before puberty, when they want to challenge you, because they all do. when they're young its a very magical time in which you can both grow up together .enjoying that special relationship only a father & son can know..your point about selflessness being inherently & mutually beneficial was well taken, & fertile ground. fodder perhaps for another conversation. thanx for the reminder, you got me thinking of fond memories of better days when my boyz were young , aloha nui loa, gregorio

Derek,
What beautiful thoughts, actions and observations. You are giving your son and your self the best gift in the Universe - Time. You will treasure these moments for the rest of your life and his life too. I get it. I have the precious opportunity to do this with my grandson who is now 7 1/2. I definitely was not as sensitive or evolved emotionally, or spiritually to provide the experiences for my sons that I am now able to share with my grandson. It is a "Pay it forward" opportunity for me and Gratitude fills my soul. Present moment, only moment is the truth and being with him brings me to that place.

I love that you expose your son to all kinds of music. I feel I am my grandson's cultural and spiritual mentor and do my best to share these experiences with him too. Today he opened the door to my Sacred Altar and had so many questions. He sat down, asked me if this was how I meditate. He had his hands in the mudra and sat in lotus position! Before that I learned all about his Pokemon cards! It is a rich time.

Enjoy these precious times and thank you for sharing your life so beautifully with us.
Lisa Dancing-Light

Love it Derek! Thank so much for sharing this great insight! I'll keep your model in mind if/when I ever choose to have children. I appreciate your intention and mindfulness.

What about frustration tolerance? What about decentering for the sake of serving someone else?

As much as I admire your objectives, it sounds like the perfect recipe for the pathological sense of entitlement commonly charged against the rising generation (millennials). I'd be very concerned about the lopsided view you are devoting your propaedeutic program to furthering.

I do agree that the gain for parents from parenting is a neglected facet of the experience.

Hi Derek,

Thank you for sharing. Kudos to you. I'll be interested to how his interests develop in the real world. ;-) My daughter is 23. She's on the autism spectrum. She has an interest in things now that she didn't as a child, so we take long walks, stroll her baby doll, paint, bake,... It is a joy to be a part of that. I hope you'll look us up. I do a monthly blog now on wordpress to encourage parents. It's under my name, and Know The Hope. Wishing you all the best in your parenting journey. Take care, Tammy

Hurray for you! And good news for your son! I wish other parents would forgo the devices when they are with their children. I live in an urban area and seldom see parents pushing strollers without being locked into a handheld device. I feel that they are missing precious moments that could be absorbed in a very different way. It sounds like you are a great dad Derek. Enjoy! And good job with the music too! I've found that the Putamayo label does a fine job compiling an eclectic mix for kids. I love their kids albums. Also check out the book "Monsters Eat Whiny Children". It's a blast! Peace Love and Flowers. Dan

Derek, that is just what I did with my children, way before cell phones were a constant distraction! I loved playing with them, and reading was our favorite thing! They both grew up being excellent students, and now are wonderful parents to my three Grandchildren! Don't lose a minute with your Son, as these are the times that shape a compassionate, intelligent adult, who will carry these memories into the future with his children! I hope your thoughts change how just one Father interacts with his children. You are a terrific role model in everything you do, and I am proud to call you my friend! God bless you and your Son!!

I love it. Being in the moment is priceless, and it benefits both the parent and child. I miss those great moments when my daughter was a child. Enjoy and thanks for sharing.

Wonderful thoughts Derek.
This made me think of the following statement:
When a child is born, not only is the child born, but also the mother/father is born. It's always 2 sides.
It's the same with parenting. We become parents through our children. They make us see the world with their eyes, let us rediscover our own inner child again. Something which is so important!
As I'm writing this, my daughter comes with a book she selected for tonight's story. It's a Janosch book (https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Janosch) - one of the authors of my childhood actually. But the messages with the deeper meaning I am only getting now!

Our children have all gone through Montessori schools and they teach this very thing. Let you child be interested in what they are interested in. When they are ready to move on, it's their decision.

Nice beach but we are at Paraparaumu, so I think ours is definitely better.

It's hard to do, but so worth it for you and your child.

I think cultivating the long attention span is a great asset to develop.

You + your habits + your description of your habits...How positively lovely!

Great Stuff Derek! Insightful as always. Thanks for sharing.

I appreciate your article, and feel sad that I need to be constantly reminded that there is no job more important than raising my kids and spending time with them. I don't like that I feel drawn to my phone the way I do, and I don't like that they now are doing the same to their electronic devices. I want to go back to the days of rotary phones!!!!
Going to do some of those things this week!
Thanks-
Sonia

The first couple of parts remind me very much of the RIE approach to parenting - if you haven't heard of it, try googling Janet Lansbury. I have made a very intentional effort to cultivate long attention spans with our two (who are 4 and 6 now) and like yours they can now spend hours at places that other kids will leave after twenty minutes.

I must also admit that I've loved the excuse that having kids has given me to explore new places and do new things - and read all the great children's literature I missed out on as a kid myself.

Seeing through the eyes of a child is a very difficult to develop skill. Do you know If you were able to do this before you were a father, Derek?

HI Derek, great post. Half of my parenting is definitely for me. Being with my daughter is a form of meditation in that you focus 100% on her. She's 8, she has my walking gene and we go for hour long walks with the dogs (we live in the countryside on the coast) and I listen and she talks. I have just resigned from my job and taking the next 1-2 years off, we have 2 whole months together now & I just want to watch her growing up. When she is 13-14 she won't want to hang out so much so I am doing it now ☺
One great tip I heard recently is answer every Q your child asks as well as you can and encourage this curiosity that they have - never decline to answer because you are busy etc.

Keep posting Sir ☺

Wow Congrats. I had no clue you have a child now. And my daughter and I were always close and I did as much as I could with her throughout her growing years. However don't be too shocked when they hit puberty and either hate you or think you're stupid and know nothing. Or worse yet are too embarrassed to even be seen with you for a while. The good news is they do outgrow that stage and usually the kids who do that turn out to be the best and most independent.

My daughter suddenly did a 180 and became a strange when she hit about 13 not to mention she was rude and by the time she was 15 began sneaking out the window at night. I was seriously ready to leave her in the desert I was so fed up.
But the good news is by 17 she was back to her old self and apologized and said please don't tell anyone how awful I was to you,. And also confessed it had nothing to do with you either. It was all me.
Now she is so successful in her business her husband had to quit to help her keep up with orders. So in the future don't be too alarmed if this happens and just enjoy your time when they are young because it passes in the blink of an eye.

I Love this Derek. I personally try to do the same. And I will use some of the ideas you shared!

I try to do this with my grandkids. 5 year old Laretta has the most incredible imagination. I love to get into her world & join in with her elaborate imaginary adventures. My husband overheard me playing with Laretta today & sent me a link to your stuff. I'm 55. We've just been overseas to Iceland Uk Europe Canada & the U.S.I'm Mum to 7 kids ranging from 14 to 33. I also have 3 stepkids & 5 grandkids. They keep me young!!! You are doing an awesome job at parenting.☺

This is really inspiring. We are so busy with work that we don't create out time for the child.
I will work out a time table and try hard to work with.
Thanks for the write up.

Hello to all, I immediately say that I do not have children, but I would like to say something about parenting because it is a matter of life that affects everyone, even non-parents in reality. We're immersed in it.
Looking at the children of my friends and relatives, what has always puzzled me in recent years is the fact that parents always tend to justify their children unconditionally.
Always, with all, teachers, acquaintances, gambling friends.
I think it is the most disadvantaged and stupid thing a parent can do, it will only serve to create an insolent and arrogant person.
It does not matter whether they are children of separated parents or are considered "too sensitive", it is crucial to let them create their own armor.
My advice, for what counts, is to make them stay as close as possible to their peers, to teach them to be generous and selfless with the other children, and let them even test their personal defeats.
If they become strong together with you, they will be strong even when you are not there.

"But I ask myself 'what’s more important?', and leave it off."

Perfect reminder. It's depressing to see parents multi-task their way through time with their children. Yeah, it makes the time go by faster. But why do we want our time to blur by?

There's few things that give such great meaning to my life as cherishing the time I have with my son and daughter. It puts everything else in perspective and it's wonderful to always be a hero in their eyes.

I loved your article. I was a stay-at-sole-parent by choice....and I loved it. No mobile phones then but of course other distractions. Nonetheless I managed to immerse myself in their world...not to the degree you're achieving😊! Now I am about to be caring for my 6mth old grandson a couple of days a week...your fabulous article is a timely reminder of just how to succeed at it -😍! Thankyou for sharing and Blessings in abundance ❤ ...

Really good to read this this morning. I am a new grandmother! I love spending the same kind of time you describe with my grandson. But I admit to getting overwhelmed if it goes on too long… I mean like four days! He is only one year old so he isn't reading or running, but nevertheless it is in an enormous change and I need to let go of any agenda I might have and just flow with it. I needed to hear about the slowing down and focusing on the present being also for me as a meditative practice. So thank for sharing.

I love the article Derek. Thanks for sharing, you're always very inspiring.

Keep enjoying life brother.

Great article, Derek. As always. I have 6 year old daughter and 4 year old son (tomorrow). I do many of the things mentioned above, but not with the same intention, especially around having a long attention span. I will incorporate your mindset and see if this will help with my own sense of "I should be doing something else" while spending quality time with my kids. Thanks and keep up the great work.

hi Derek! I wanted to share with you that I read this article and just loved it, shared it with my friends and family and we've all been paying close attention to some points you shared here.

My husband and I especially loved the part about "growing the attention span" and we've been actively paying attention to this amazing point that you brought out. Although we have been doing this with our 5 year old son Ansh as well but we hadn't really given it enough thought - but when I saw the concept in written form from you - it made me realize how important this is and how to focus on this and make sure it happens often.

We've been watching Ansh flourish and learn, grow and explore and seeing him play in one place with a few things and create stories, we love seeing the results.

Also, I've shared this article with my friends and even my patients in my Chiropractic practice in San Jose.

Thank you Derek...for sharing "parenting" with us and opening up our minds to our kids, seeing the wonder in their learning. Thank you!
Sonie

Hi Derek,

great thoughts! I needed that final "push" to -completely- forget my world for a while and just live in those of my kids, to understand them better and to keep that bond growing.

Concise and to the point! Very beneficial. Thanks!

A beautiful perspective and well put.
I have continually found being a parent to be the most rewarding and full filling of all learning experiences and a great connection to our past, understanding what and how our parents must have felt raising us.

Derek.....you sound like the perfect dad. Now, I wouldn't know for sure because I've never been married or had any kids. (I've always believed there's too much to be said about coming and going as you please.) But it seems to me that what you're doing with your son will make him a well adjusted, well rounded individual. My gut instinct tells me that you have nothing to worry about where your son is concerned. I thank you for sharing this little piece with me.

Great post Derek. What a great insight - that most things 'selfless' we do are actually for our selves.


He's very lucky to have a dad like you, I'm excited to see what he gets up to in the future!

Spot on! I hereby award you "most excellent dad" designation.

Not that you care about things like that ;)

:)

Wow. You are amazing with your son. Totally adopting these ideas. I think I do some of these things with our nephews (my husband and I don't have children yet), but it's very good to be aware of these things. And your desire to immerse yourself is the best! I remember and have realized how deep into the world I got into what I imagined as a child, like imagining what the food in the fridge did all day when no one opened the door wondering what to eat, and what they thought about and whatnot. It almost got me to the point of feeling bad for the food for being eaten! Hahaha :) I think as humans we get to do things like that and should do that as much as we can and be lost in the magic of the world (if humans are the only things that can immerse themselves). This is cool too because doing all the things you've mentioned help you to act/think like a kid in the way of being creative and maintaining that wide-eyed wonder. Thank you for sharing this! ^_^

I agree wholeheartedly with your mind set only I spend time with my grandson now. The little ones love the attention and we as adults love giving it.

Good for you! Lucky kid.

Love this. All of it. I try to do the same with my little ones.

And I feel exactly the same way about putting my children's photographs/names online. It feels like I'm walking against the wind on that one, so it's nice to see others expressing those concerns, too.

My friend Miles
wrote this article back in 2014. Derek was kind of enough to tweet it out. I
thought it would be interesting to revisit.Thanks

PARENTING LICENSE
By Miles Patrick Yohnke

The silence of our internal sadness can become deafening.

The torment from childhood. A small fragile body. A heart can be broken. Or,
it can be one of a glamorous life that you can help guide with infinite
possibilities.

The balance of life lies in your hands.

Perhaps at birth, a female's tubes should be tied or a male vasectomized.
Then, at a certain age, similar to a driver's license, one should pass a
test on parenting before being able to have a child. Only upon passing the
test should they then have a vasectomy or tubal ligation reversal.

This is just a thought of course. In medical terms, reversals have a low
success rate. I know it would be an unorthodox thing to do in reality, but
can you imagine the world in six or seven generations with this in place?

My goal is to make you think as well as to make a point. A point of thought.
Young justice offenders. Why are there so many in the world? Think of the
cost. Think of the frustration they feel. Being brought into a world with no
chance of making the right decisions, just because two people who probably
should never have kids because of their own lack of upbringing decided to
fornicate?

Perhaps Presidents wouldn't cheat on their wives because they'd be
comfortable in their own skin. We would no longer need the type of policing
that is required now because there wouldn't be near the amount of violence.
No more greed, since people wouldn't be trying to outdo their fellow man.
They would feel good about themselves. Be content with what they had.

We wouldn't have organized crime and drug cartels, as they wouldn't have an
outlet for their products. They wouldn't need 'bling', money, cars or real
estate to feed their egos, to feel empowered, liked or respected. That void
would be filled with proper parenting skills of nurturing and praise.

Be sure to read the rest of the article at:
http://www.MotivateUs.com/stories/parenting-license.htm

I think what you have written is awesome. I think everyone needs to read this even if you don't have children you can take those same thoughts and apply it in one's own life. For instance I have COPD. Basically a death sentence. There are so many things I can't do any more. I run out of air chewing food. I try not to think of the things I can't do anymore and instead put my energy into things I can still do or look for And do things I've never done before which will hold my attention or take concentration. To experience different things. Thank you four writing what you did. Safe And fun journey for both you And your son.

Really what I've been doing with my own children & now the Grand-Kids. I immerse myself into what it is they are doing. I was raised without computers,Cell phones,X-boxes,ipads,Etc,Etc,I go along with their imagination & we always seem to come up with some great stuff! I've written songs from their Idea's & now going to try to my hand @ children's stories based again on their imagination.Thanks for sharing & keep it going. We need more people in the world with discipline & guidance for our up & coming generations & hopefully they will pass it on as well? Blessings,Jose L. Ortiz Sr.

In total agreement.
Sad I did not learn this until after my children were older. I also had them pulled away from me in divorces so I did not get to truly grow up learning this.

Inspiring. This is great parenting. If you benefit too, so much the better.

this reminds a lot of "the miracle of mindfulness" by TNH.
there's a great discussion he has with a parent who realizes just this:
that spending time with the little one isn't Time For Them, it's also Time For You. when you make that realization you no longer refer to parenting as a Sacrifice.
x

Really awesome! Appreciate the insight and perspectives as I am about to have my first son. Glad to see you're doing great things.
With Aloha,
Jacques from Aivar

Great article Derek. I teach leadership classes and often remark that is parenting as well - same skills apply. Taking time to get to know people and noticing the little things help make leaders great. You are on a great path with your little one!

I think it's wonderful what you are doing. For him and for you. He will have an education few children have these days.

Thanks for sharing.

Lisa
Ps I have to admit I was disssapointed you I subscribed to my newsletter

It's inspiring.
I'll re-read this at least once a month.
I need to cultivate this with my 5yo.
Love it.
Thanks so much.

The most important thing on this list, in my opinion, BY A MASSIVE MARGIN, is long attention span.

Thanks for the insight Derek.

I don't have kids myself and I've been debating with my partner if we should even have kids with the world being over populated and polluted as it is.

What are your thoughts, would you consider having more children.
Any words of wisdom would be great.

Thanks again friend,
Edwin :)

Thanks for Sharing. I had not thought of deliberately developing a Long attention span, but that's a great idea. Ideas on How to do that with several children (we have 3 and will have more)? Because what you describe is impossible with more than 1 child. They all want to do different things. We also do languages in movies, but we watch videos in Spanish.

Sounds like he is so very lucky to have a father like you!

First of all, ADOPT ME!Please😂 What a wonderful life you two have! I agree, it is for us as much as it is for the children. Last Christmas we flew to see our two youngest grand children ages 9 & 11.
Our brilliant daughter and son in law do not have TV and cell phones available for them. Consequently, the children are very active honing their skills performing in the circus, and being creative, studying languages, regular school subjects,learning sports and now playing music. Their parents owned a very progressive school in Switzerland. It is difficult to give a meaningful gift to anyone we are not around and kids change so fast. I decided to give them an electric AC/DC piano with all the bells and whistles plus head phones to go to the beach and not disturb anyone,and a classical guitar and several books. We also gave them a nice drum and bongos. My Parents gave me piano lessons very early. They gave me a block of guitar lessons and a Gibson B25 in 1963 and I made my living on that. A good investment. I am forever grateful. I noticed that they loved my playing and supported my efforts by allowing my band to practice in the basement and use of a car to get to gigs plus feeding the hungry musicians. As an adult, they showed up with friends and clients at my gigs. So, yes it was as much for them as for myself, and I love hearing our grandchildren play music. Music and nature Enrich our lives. I love the meditation comment.

Furthermore... a retired Wall Street friend told me he is playing his guitar and doing things he missed out on when he worked. He totally supports whatever his girls venture out on. Refreshing. We also hike in the mountains and get together with friends and I especially enjoy concerts as I was always doing my gigs with no time to see anyone else save a late night Baked Potato band, breakfast and a jam at my Hollywood apartment. I love to see documentaries of all the people I missed. Just watched Ron Howard's Beatle doc. There are tons of great music docs on Amazon prime. Writing this inbetween Weight lifting sets. In a sense, we are nurturing that part of us who is still child like and looks at the world in wonder. Thanks Derek🎸

Beautifully mindful ! Having experienced a history of severe child abuse, I created my own sense of safety ( as best I could) but missing out and pining away for a miracle to happen ( which did not occur until late in life ) The deficit of mindful parenting, creates a delay in growth for the child that so often lasts a lifetime, a numbing of all senses, resulting in apathy. I think the importance of teaching kindness reflects and mirrors back to our own child within-kind of like paying it forward. A short attention span often is created by human neglect and the few who are lucky enough to recognize it, are rewarded simply by a heightened awareness as our sense of touch, smell, sound, taste and sight are energized. Creativity needs the precious time to nurture and enjoy every possible moment. Thank you for sharing !

Thank you so much for this wonderful writing. This is how a real parent should be. Put a shame on my own parenting skills. In the world of busyness I allowed life to take over. I think it's time to take charge back and be present with my children and do more things together.

These are the best years of my life when my sons were small...
so much fun and so much love! Even in cold dump days... and in a gloomy days of deepest economic depression and crazy hyperinflation...
Now it is long time since they gone very far ... 15 hours of flight to one and few hours to another...and we will probably never live together again.
Therefore enjoy every second of this great time! Good luck! :)

Derek - your son is so blessed. I wish I had read this when my boys were little but I will pass it on to them for future generations!
Thanks for such an enlightening point of view.

In relation to parenting I think parents should have more time with their children. But the reality is that there is still a lot of pressure on us. I became a single mother because my ex was very abusive towards me ending up in the fact he was arrested for domestic violence which almost put an end to my life.

I spend my days felling anxious and depressed with the daily decisions of working versus not working. The reality is yes I would like to have more quality time with my children but I am all alone, no family here to help so if I do not want to end up homeless or in a building like Grenfell tower I need to work full-time.

I am also coming from scratch. My ex left us 0%. Everything we have I had to built it from bottom. That means only after 5 years I am having a bit of stability after grilling difficulties including almost not eating.

Nevertheless it is because I kept being a Designer and learning Code that I could keep up providing a basic life for my children. I do not think i am equal to those men in the office. I had to go through a lot more than them but I am still expected to be at the same or higher level in coding.

Social care money is never enough so I do not count on it. On top of that working single mothers like me have a really bad reputation. However I never excepted to be in this situation. I have heard childcare is not the Government problem in the Internet and from other people. I guess children will not be the Government concern, the disable and elderly too.

In the end... what is the Government and society concern and where my taxes should be used? Should women be 100% dependent on men? Should men be 100% dependent on women when it comes to fatherhood? Or should we all a bit more 50% / 50% responsible so everyone has a bit of freedom and we not get stuck in situations that happen to anyone. It is called living!

Children need they parents more at home. But this corporation system we are living in is killing feelings from mothers and fathers. It doesn't forgive or care.

I grew up in a household where everyone had to pull their weight. We could not afford not to work. My father did dinner and childcare sometimes and so did my mother. My father used to complain a lot but we wouldn't have survived if he didn't help.

But there was also a lot of pressure in the home.

Also when I work I have a lot of pressure from co-workers that complain about my flexible working. They see it as holiday and not hard working. They think I just go home and do nothing with my children.

Until we have a more mature attitude on childcare and everyones pulls their weight we will live in a blame 100% society where everyone brushes responsibility to the other. But we all have been children at some point, raised by someone....

So what I wanted to say was... parenting is for the child, the parent, the family, the community, all of us. Parenting is like a connection and helps the children but also us. I feel more healthy when I am allowed to have more time with my children. Right now it feels like there is a lock on how much I can do for my children because I love them so much. I wish I could be more free with them. But I cannot do this alone :(

Derek,

Thanks for sharing. Looks like you are on to something!

This is how I plan to raise myself and my child. :) Your blog really put my thoughts into words.

You are a very special man Derek. You didn't need a parent manual. You just wrote one for the rest of us. Too late for my kids but not my grands. Those close to you are very blessed!!

What lovely thoughts! Thank you for sharing them Derek.

Great article! As a father of two young children, I find this article to be a very refreshing read. I might incorporate a couple of your examples into my own parenting style. Thanks for sharing!

Such an awesome blog. I wish I had discovered it before. Thanks for sharing all these posts with us.

Derek- Thank You! I am a daddy to a absolute inspiration of a little girl and this hits home!
I must constantly focus on creating the Experiences in 1 on 1 that will make that impact that hopefully helps her stay creatively inspired.
and you know what- I am always more centered after a day 1 on 1 with her in her world!
We are so busy
all self induced
all driven
all making noise with things that do not matter
I want more for her
I want to give her the best start possible
I want to give her Art ☺

Hey Derek,
The wife and I are going to start trying to have a child in the next few months. Thank you for this beautiful post. Were there any books or other resources that influenced your parenting style?
Read “Brain Rules for Baby” and “How to Listen so Kids Will Talk and Talk so Kids Will Listen” — Derek

Good for you Derek, my kind of parent. Have 3 teenage boys myself, enjoy these years.
Your book is inspiring, never emailed an author, in my 40 something years, but you seemed genuinely interested.
Would love your feedback, starting my own business and hitting a wall with something trivial, it's not money I promise.
No pressure,if you have time......

Derek -- loved this. Thx for sharing. Implementing this wknd.

-Ty

I have an only son who is 5 and I try to do the same but fail sometimes . Thanks for reminding me. Also , is your son an only child ? I wrestle with myself over the decision to have just one child because he might have nobody 'equal' to him to share his feelings with at various stages in his life when he needs to . Western societies can be lonely places . It takes a tribe to raise a child and here we are, trying to make do just with parents.

Hi Derek.

As always a great read with authentic insights. Thanks for sharing and keep you the wonderful parenting.

Have a great day!

Greetings from your
pal in Curacao😊

Thank you so much for sharing.
Exactly this is what I do with my two children now 5 and 7 years old.
I work less to be with my children. I mostly pack some food and drinks, pick them up from daycare and school at One o clock and than go in the woods with small little rivers and just see what play is created in the moment.
I only use my phone to make pictures of the creations that are made by my children of wooden sticks, stones and leafs.

In autumn and winter when it's cold outside we spent a lot of time to create art. I have one corner in the living room with lots of paper, pencil and color to play with. And they can spent hours drawing. .

Children are the best teachers in just loving the moment as it is. They trust life. And tune in with their full presence and just let things happen and being created in the moment.
They have pure feelings . Live them out in the moment as it is there and let go easy after.

Children love life just the way it is. They don't long for more. Don't think about past or future. They just are. Fully present in the moment. Every minute.
This is the most beautiful gift for every parent. And if you tune in in this way of living, life is beautiful! !

Thank you.
Lianne 37

Hey D,
First off: hell yeah or NOOOO has been very helpful to me as a decision philosophy over the last two years. Thanks for that.

I get exactly what you are aiming at conveying in this article. There are a few changes that I would humbly suggest in order for the core point to shine through even brighter for a wider audience. By brighter I mean not having readers getting hung up on some of the chronological references. Starting with 30 hours per week with son will lose readers who will scoff "I'm a parent and I do that in a single day". The time references could be less specific and left to reader interpretation. Mere humble opinion. My wife's first comment was on the time element. She was lost as a listening reader at the outset.

Feedback meant to be helpful and honest. Please don't take this as a criticism as I am a fan. Keep it up.


Thanks.
Declan

I marvel at how many engaged comments you get for your posts. I liked this post and I would love to see a post explaining how you grew your following and engagement
I've been doing this for 23 years. It adds up. ☺ — Derek

Right now reading my post again it sounds pretty negative. Sorry about that.

"So what I wanted to say was... parenting is for the child, the parent, the family, the community, all of us. Parenting is like a connection and helps the children but also us. I feel more healthy when I am allowed to have more time with my children. Right now it feels like there is a lock on how much I can do for my children because I love them so much. I wish I could be more free with them. But I cannot do this alone :("

I agree with you completely. I believe I let stress and pressure win when you are 100% stop on and along these months I have grown to realize that.

This made me want to have a kid immediately. So cool!

In a few months we'll be having our first baby boy and I am flippin out waiting for him :)...thanks for sharing your story...now I really cannot wait to be a part of his world

Great article! My husband and I are expecting a baby boy and can't wait to spend time with him to get to know this little human being. Thanks for sharing!

Hi Derek,

It's so inspiring to read that someone who's such a successful entrepreneur is being so present as a father. Truely inspiring and thanks for sharing. What a lucky kid he is!

I sometimes save your links for days when i need some self love and outside my own box awareness. I'm not into being a parent but even I can see the value in this - especially as my nephew visits me.

Thank you, D.

Hi Derek,

Very timely post to read, I knew that there was a reason I stopped by your blog just now as a short break from writing to a candidate (I run a small recruitment agency). As a self employed person I have complete freedom to run my day as I want and become more conscious recently of how much quality time I spend with my 6yr and 8yr old boys.

Although I would occassionally read to them (once or twice a week), I've started a new habit of them reading to me for 15 mins each and it has I have to say quickly become the most satisfying and enjoyable part of my day.

I'm going to follow your lead on trying to be 100% present with them as well, when I am.... and not to look at that damned phone! :0)

Thanks!
Richard

I completely agree. My own experience: I found a job working as a kindergarten teacher at a Montessori school in China after I graduated from college. At first, it was difficult because I noticed so many shortcomings within myself. But as I observed how each student set to work and followed his/her interest, it became easier for me to see it from their perspective. This helped me go on to teach more children in Nanjing, China and even helped me teach my wife's nieces and nephews. We are in NYC now and miss them a lot.

I wonder why in this day and age of ever-increasing demands, distractions and shorter attention spans, people jump into parenting without freeing up time in their lives to devote to their children. I'm of my own opinion when I say that a full-time job and raising a child and getting normal sleep cannot coexist. Maybe that's why I'm so hesitant to find a wife and start a family until I free my life up.

I respect your dedication to your child even if it is partly out of fulfilling your own needs. I question how many acts of pure selflessness we commit, even giving money to the blind man on the street isn't fully selfless because it gives us a sense of do-good feeling.

Derek, this is fantastic. Thanks for letting us a bit into your world.

Engaging fully with your child gives parents a second chance on learning how to play an instrument or learning a new language or enhance their own focus. I love being a parent as I teach her, the rewards of being a patient learner start all over again with so much more love.

Thanks for posting this Derek. I remember you talking about these quality times with your son on Tim Ferris' podcast. It echoes what another one of his guests (Phil Keoghan) said about how he made spending time with his daughter the top priority. No matter what deadline he was facing at the time, he would put down whatever he was doing if she wanted to show him something or play with him. He would then pull an all-nighter to catch up on his work if he had to, after she went to bed. The thing that really made an impact on me was when Phil said he could remember so many of those precious moments spent with his daughter. He had totally forgotten whatever deadline (back in the day) that he was trying to meet. Another great way that we as parents benefit from putting our attention on what really matters. I continue to try to cultivate this with my children even they are now young men in their mid 20's.

A truly inspiring article--thanks!

I guess you can say that parenting is really for nobody - at first. There isn't a course that teaches you all the techniques to taking care of oneself (life) let alone a child, BUT I think the emotional connection clears up the ambiguity. Going with your good ol' gut keeps life interesting

Best,

I’m loving your approach here - I suppose that’s a confirmation bias, as it mirrors/reinforces manny of my own views. Took me a while and three kids to improve and get anywhere near your level, but I would say that, looking at my 12-year-old daughter, the youngest, it’s working well. She’s artistic, thinks well, reads voraciously, makes, builds and paints stuff and has a fantastic attitude.

Keep up the good work - he’ll thank you later, for sure!

By the way, also really enjoyed the CDBaby talk.

Cheers,

Budgie

PS, we have a mutual buddy, Ian Mullane, whose I met a decade ago and is a great and close friend now. He sent me the link to you.

Great insight. Unfortunately I missed much of this with my kids. (Busy working etc) but I have a second chance with my grandson and I find I relish it more than I ever thought. It is so much fun to live through their eyes.

Cheers

This is great, My wife and I are waiting for our first child. She is 3 months pregnant and this has been a great reminder of the change of life we are about to experience. I felt a little intimidated about the prospects of becoming a father but I am getting more and more excited. thanks for sharing.

Lovely, something I try to do as well although have felt somewhat slightly selfish knowing I was a beneficiary to my children's experience. One thing I whisper to myself during those times when my monkey mind wonders is that "this is what this is what it's all about." Also works with pets.

I have read this article more than any other you wrote. My intention was to up my time with my 3 year old and I did over the last few months. It has been harder to do and yes, I know that is a choice. I need to shift things around. But the main point I take away from rereading this today is that I don’t need to choose between meditation or reflection or creative time and spending time with my now 4 year old.

I thought I was losing one for the other. Now I think that by diving deeper with the time with my son, I will experience the gains of all the other activities.


Breakthroughs with being the best dad I can be are the most awesome breakthroughs for me.

Mahalo,

K

The more I learn about you, the better I like you!
You are a fortunate man to have the freedom and the wisdom to parent your son as you are doing.
It mirrors my own, except that it is now my 3 year old granddaughter who draws me into her world and stills my focus and energy into the present.
Thank you for sharing.

Children just need to know that they're loved & that whatever happens you're there for them no matter what - & - because of my father's best friend John dying unexpectedly when I was 10 years old I have learnt to believe & understand the Power of Unconditional Love - because it is something which you carry in your heart & keeps it warm.

You're lucky to have each other personally I wouldn't over think it, why ruin the magical time you're having - life is made up of moments, but to love & be loved without expecting anything in return is the greatest gift of all.

This is Parenting. Time shared is valuable for both Parent and Child.

Good stuff. Wish I would have read this before my son and daughter were 28 and 26!

Thank you so much for this. I have an 11 year old and I’m in the process of working through and developing a system or understanding of screen use in our home and with my son. Balance being key. I don’t want to limit him, but I would love to instill an appreciation for the lessons you can learn from exploration done off the screen. Your post really inspired me to be the example and that I can do this for ME rather than only as an example for my son. Being a student most of my parenting years, I find myself hunched over the computer for long hours. Comparatively, when my son is home from school and before he heads to bed, is a small amount of time that I can dedeicate to just being present with him. Thank you.

Good stuff here, Derek. I love the fact that you are 'consciously aware' of the multiple levels of what's going on 'behind the scenes' here. It reminds me of the YouTube video "The Power of Why." A few tidbits I would add.
1) You will never regret all the time you spend with your son.
2) Short of missing out on some urgent, must-be-now opportunity, I highly doubt you will regret the time you missed checking your phone. And even if you did miss such an opportunity I suspect YOU would just create a new one for yourself anyway.
3) I try to do the same for my sons too and I am consciously aware that I am trying to inspire them to discover their own dreams about life and to help them build a path to get there (wherever 'there' may be). But what I wasn't consciously aware of was how much I love our time together too. Thanks for reminding me - you just added to my own enjoyment in life.
4) The foundation you are building for your son here is priceless. More valuable than anything else you could do/provide for him monetarily wise.
5) There is a saying "where you spend your time, there your heart is." It's clear where your heart is.

Wonderful article. I'd love to see you write more on this topic.
Mike

Thanks for reminding!

Thanks, Derek. Every now and then I look back this article, just to remind myself of how I can be a better father. Thanks for sharing!

This post has just made me realise how I've been doing things so badly wrong. I'm there with and for my kids, but there are many times that I get this gut wrenching feeling that I'm not really. Not 100%. I'm taking something huge away from this.

Exposure is good... I would be wary of teaching or indoctrination. Regarding music, to take a specific example, Cracked did a Youtube sketch of someone teaching their daughter to love high quality music, the joke being the parents didn't realize that this would mean their child being a nerd among her teen rock idol peers.

Of course too much education is better than too little, but still, there is a scene in Citizen of the Galaxy where a beggar sometimes has second thoughts about teaching his son, destined for the beggar underclass, about history and algebra and things his beggar peers just won't know.

In my own case, due to my family culture and library card, during the 1960's I couldn't bring myself to have long hair and believe in the crazy stuff my peers did. I was a nerd before we had that word.

Thank you, Derek. Took the time to read your article before heading to work. It made me smile - love it, and I learned something. Have a fantastic day.

Your child Derek Sivers, like you, will be very grounded. What a yummy daddy!

Best wishes always to you and your son.

Avrilx

wow you really went on an adventure plus a son, congrats.

Short and sweet! Thanks Derek.

Great advice. Trying to do same for my little one. Have been privileged to work at home for past 3 years. That may be coming to an end but the time has been a real gift. BEing able to be the one to greet her when she wakes up and the one to sit with her as she goes to sleep .... and being chief entertainer and dishwasher for all the hours in between :-D

FWIW i still think New Zealand is best country in the world to bring up children. Just read your post about reaction to leaving NZ and can understand entirely.

Thank you for sharing Derek! I did similar things when I was raising my kids. It just made sense. Nowadays people ask... how did you do it. Therein lies the answer. Give your everything, introduce cultures, and always teach them that possibilities are unlimited.

P.S. You won’t find his name or face online. I don’t think it’s right to put someone online without their permission. He’ll put himself online when he’s ready.

Glad you are keeping your family private . It show you cherish them

Much love and respect. Hope to see you soon Derek.

Wow. Someone who shares the same parenting values as my family! Kudos Derek! I left a high paying tech job in Austin to move to Bali so that I could spend more time with my daughter during her young formative years. It's been so wonderful being in the non-stop presence of my family as opposed to the "normal" alternative... ie. all family members going away (except the family dog) to be separate from each other most of the day. It's so weird to me that that's the norm for other people. And yes, I agree with your point about doing it all for myself. Absolutely. I would venture to guess that many other parents would do the same if they 1. shared the same underlying value of family togetherness and 2. found a way to love themselves enough to where they believed they deserved it.

Why do so many families live separately anyway? This is certainly counter to what our hunter gatherer ancestors did.

I think it's because society wants us to be separate for the sake of a higher GDP. This means no stay-at-home moms, go out and earn a salary so you can add to the GDP.. errr be equal to a man in having a career... yes, because that is the pinnacle of any productive society member's life.. a career. And ship off that child to "school" as soon as you can - that way society can start molding them into little productive worker bee's that will be sure to believe the same lies and go on to contribute to GDP... err society as well.

Everyone talks about being the product of companies like Facebook.. but we're already all the product of governments angling to maximize their tax income. At the root of all of this are the distorted values of the people running these institutions.. values distorted by a distorted system of capitalism which values profit over people and planet. We need a new system of economic exchange, and it starts by adopting new values that aren't consistent with the old system (like prioritizing family above profit, family time above profitability, etc.)

That's amazing Derek! thanks for sharing!

I learned from my parents being very strict, traditional Asian (Chinese to be specific) parents, I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things when I was a kid. My dream as a kid, if one day I became a parent, I will be as encouraging as possible, but through the years I came to realize and appreciate what my parents have offered me.

I love everything you've said here. I especially love ( and what prompted me to comment) what you said about the public never finding his face or name online. "He'll put himself online when he's ready". Just made me think about time and life..beautiful

Thanks for sharing.
Just like to read one more confirmation of my observation that parenting is one of the best approaches for self-development :–)

"P.S. You won’t find his name or face online." that is so perfect.

You just expressed what is in my mind but not in words. Feeling the same with my almost 2 Years young daughter :)

Thanks for sharing.

>I don’t think it’s right to put someone online without their permission
Yet somehow putting someone into this world, without their permission, is fine...

Kiora D
What an amazing gift you gave yourself and your child
A father and a little boy together
Immersed in simplicity and curiosity as the main distraction
No deadlines....just the moment and what it brings
What an unrivalled experience
For both of you

Thanks you! Really, your blogs (and through that your life) are very inspiring. Thanks for what you do.

I,m re syncronising and kind of pysychi but backwards. I am very fond of THom Yorke atom for peace music video and has an Oxford connection. Perhaps when you moved to Oxford the track was being prepared. Also the main riff is exactly identical to the doors that squeak at the Pheonix Cinema Oxford.

I also sent the same video to a nutcracker ballerina from Russia who I kind of is an instagram connection.

I think it was a good link to send.

I am an abstract artist and have not played guitar for 3 years but may do so soon.

I joined C D Baby and went on Spotify and iTunes but I think I made the mistake of giving the tracks name wrong and not linking it into the bands name but I can also do something with that sometime-people can only listen to music so many times anyway.

Also after listening to the Thom York track I never really heard the lyrics as he sings quite wavey and I like what I found.

My age is 49 and I,m in the middle of everything but after I swim and goto the sauna I feel balanced and calm.

I am at a stage where I overlook my life and have a combination of supreme clarity and confusion- hence the mix up but it is a January thing.

I am single and I am looking over the relationships or lost opportunities I had and I feels really awkward- but so does my art when I begin to paint.

I Instagram was a huge stage for me as an artist , only joining last year and it triggers me to paint more and a new Avenue.

Ballet is a separate form in the world, in a way disguised and the dancers are perhaps a form of enlightenment and a mixture of injury and romance but also heart felt mixture of emotions including, welcoming loss and grief.

Perhaps twee at times and an over absorption of the music but that cannot be helped. Yet it opens a musician to a ballad and dark and light music with movement.

my life is very odd- one day I would phone or ask the Royal ballet if they would be interested in working with an Anthem I made in 2008 . I would later be at a friends house with a pianist that plays with the dancers during rehearsals .

I have been doing something wrong in my life and always feel a ghost and in a dark way a secret mass feeds off of my life because it makes them feel better with themselves . Not just this ..bit it can be like this in England..certainly not America- each country seems to have a different arhchitype. Anyway a new pathway to creativity emerging as I write and I will try and dip in to the pod casts and thank you for the recent winter one as I was a little stressed/ anxious new year as I felt a little bit missing .

I have watched some episodes concerning Fox News and I even had a n agent email once to work with them but I got confused ..gain lots of opportunities and love is switching on and I will be adjusting my love antennas for the rest of my life .

Really enjoy your self-appraisal. Thanks so much for sharing!

this is so cute. And, kudos to you for seeing whatever playtime all the way through. I know this is something I definitely struggle with. I'm not a parent, however, I do have a 3yo nephew, and I love entering his world. We spent the Christmas holidays throwing "pies" at "flies." They would NOT be getting us!

Wonderful post about parenting! I could have used this years ago with my kids - I traveled so much and I know I missed out on way more than I care to contemplate. It's so good that you are where you are in your world and are doing what so many of us dreamt of doing with our own children. Good on ya!

Derek
Thank you for sharing such wonderful times with us. Quarantined at home is not a bad thing, especially if it shortens the time we're affected here in the US.
Keep safe and healthy...and thank you for thinking of us too...

Beautifully stated and wonderfully implemented! I can’t tell you how often I wish for a time machine to go back and do you things differently for my son. He’s 30 now, entrepreneurial and extremely driven and I just miss time with him. Good for you for soaking it all up!

Just popped over from your NOW page and recognized so much of my own childhood in your son's, freedom-to-play-wise. Sounds lovely. What a wonderful (and respectful!) photo, thank you!

such much to say, I will try to be a prolific writer such as yourself.To answer your question, oh before that I am doing great, still writing and recording in my project studio. It looks you are great father, Like me I have three sons and since their birth I was an independent worker so I could attend any of their school functions. all three are grown now. I even wrote a song titled Empty Nest ( not released yet) explaining how some day they would be leaving home and all that goes with that. Stay fine Derick and that is a beautiful beach.

Derek you rock .... ever since you had set up CDbaby - which as a musician I had used regularly, I thank you for always keeping it real and moving / sharing from the heart! Peace & love, Robin

These days are short - good idea to spend time on his level. My son is older now - still have a great relationship with him. We have lots of good memories.

Wow, you have a son. There isn't much to say about this story except spend as much time with. Before you know it he will be grown. Do you remember the song The Cats In The Cradle? That song makes me sad every time I hear it as and adult. When I was young it was one of my favorite songs to sing. Of course, I did not know what those lyrics were saying. Do you know how many bad parents are in this world. Thank you Derek for loving him and taking t i m e.

Saw your now page update. Great to know that you are okay and spending quality time with your son. Time doesnt move backwards, as far as i know, so cherish the moments now. Thanks again for the email.

I've been reading your articles for a long time and found this one quite intimidating to read. :) It seems you're an ideal parent, even comically so, sometimes :) ("I play very diverse music in the background", "every week and read together for an hour every night")

Hope I can do similar things with my kids some day.

Derek, although I am a long-time admirer of your work, it’s literally been years of emails since I clicked on your “What I’m doing now” link. I'm so glad this latest one caught my attention. It’s one of the BEST insights on parenting I’ve EVER read! Since 1992, I’ve been passionate about and am still IN the business of learning about and creating music for children and families, so hopefully I know a bit about it. Thank you for growing with your son so well. What a wonder.

Be well.

This article, short and sweet - and it said SO much to me.

Thank you!

I have a 3 year old. I need to be THERE with him more. And in turn, he will be THERE for me.
I love him. I need him. I want him to feel that way about his daddy.

Your writing woke me up a bit. So if you'll excuse me, my son and I have a date with Daniel Tiger.

Be well.
Be safe.

Tony

I almost cried reading this article. You seem like an amazing parent. I wish to be that good at parenting someday(many years later).
But what about your expectations from him? Can a parent really be selfless when it comes to that?

This is beautiful.Reminds me of time spent with my 9 year old son. Thank You.

You never fail to inspire me. I’m watching my kids play as I type this and lamenting the fact that I don’t fully engage. I also grapple with the question of whether it is for them or for me. What you described is the right way to get to the ‘for me’ result. It’s symbiotic. Thank you for your post.

Absolutely amazing and refreshing and most of all inspiring.

This is just amazing. “They benefit me as much as him” True to the words it is :)
Very happy to read this.

Derek,
I wish you were My dad.

Pam

From one truly present dad to another: Thanks for this post. It's inpirational and motivates me even more to become a better dad.

Sent to a friend. Nice to read it again 3 years later. Hope you two are healthy, happy & safe.

I have seldom encountered such a fresh, unique, yet extraordinarily down to earth approach. Thanks. You make me think.

This is brilliant and insightful, but yet so simple! Thanks for sharing!

Thank you for sharing. I am really curious, who you boy will become. But I guess I will have to stick around for some decades.

After all, we only can begin to evaluate the effects of our parenting decisions about 30+ years later.

I wish you that all your choices help him to become a happy and fulfilled adult in the first place.

Loved this!

I'm actually not agree with your thoughts about life and some other stuff but i agree with some others. And i appretiate that you share your experience as a father, because i learned something today from you. That day just for him without phone, without computer and have the strengh to say no to that when you are with him opens my eyes. Thank you. That was a good teaching from you.

Hi Derek

Very inspirational. Thank you for sharing this. It reminds me to treasure the moments I have with my children, to try and let go of the frustrations and to enjoy them for whom they are. I have kids of 4.5 and 2.5 years of age.

Leaving the phone alone is so hard to do, still the last thing you want the, to grow up is to be always distracted.

Thank you again,

Fengze

I like to think that if there is a Creator...The Great Singularity...then it relates to us, wants to connect with us, in much the same way as you are describing here.

My mind is blown. Thanks for sharing this incredible insight into a parenting style completely unique to me.

All this is really BEAUTIFUL and honestly it is a BLESSING that your son has got a Father with a personality like yours.... God Bless You Always....

Nice Vibe~ as Ever Derek

That’s just beautiful Derek. Entering his world and cultivating a ling attention span with him. My son is six and we’ve spent a year of COVID and lockdown in Melbourne bonding. I’m secretly hoping we’ll stay this way for at least another year, so I can practice what you wrote in this post.

Nice article Derek.
Not that you need any more comments, but..... !
Yes, in my humble opinion, over the years I have come to understand that everything we do is for ourselves. Or, rather - as I only know my experience, everything I do is for myself. Even supposedly altruistic things like giving donations ultimately I think is for ones self because it makes one feel good.
The nice benefit is if what I do for myself (write, make music, do paintings, record meditations, make courses) overflows from me to benefit someone else.
AL Aka M.E.T

I share much of what you say and think about life.
Two young-adult sons, both musicians: one is an orchestra conductor, the other a singer and filmmaker, both do multiple instruments, are former actors, and more.
Two to 3 social hrs, and I’m done.
No TV, partying, “killing” time...
Productive me-time reigns.
Language love: mine is Brazilian Portuguese!
Lived in Brazil for 18 yrs and since have had a US-Brazil shuttle.
I do PortEngl simultaneous interpreting and written translations.
Whole-foods, plant-based. Recreational runner.
Ready for a big change—in the process of figuring that one out.

Great post! thank you for sharing tableau certification

Hello everyone,
Someone mentioned guilt at not spending time, and also guilt at spending time but going crazy. Ain't that a paradox? As that fellow wrote in Management of the Absurd, a paradox is the beginning of wisdom.

He also wrote the best thing for raising kids is being a good "you," because the kids will like moments you would never expect, or "plan" lessons about.

(I try to swallow both my pride and fear in order to become a better me. Favourite quote: Because I am afraid to love, you are alone)

As for guilt, a sense of humour is always in order. A Christmas song is played on TV during back-to-school sales in order to make visible, and lance, the blister of guilt. Song: "It's the most wonderful time of the year."

Bravo... You have the gift of truth.. Kids love parents who love doing things with them. As a therapist of young kids, I encourage parents to take kids where they find stimulation so they both can benefit. Love taking your kid to the opera. Of course he loved it. They learn how to be in the world and how to be a part of the world. Many kids I work with at this moment in time are unable to talk and have a conversation and be in public observing, because their parents did not take them to the opera or to a myriad of experiences in which they share time with a parent. My daughter, I called a buddha girl because she could be chill anywhere because she went everywhere all the time, to experiences we both loved.
You have no idea what a gift this time is for both of you.. Keep it up... My parents took me to Annie get your gun at 3 on Broadway.. and I was hooked on singing. Not too many kids sit in a theatre at 3 because they do not get the experience.
Imagine what a great place the world would be if children could have many experiences to connect to the world and another human that loved them.. How lucky you both are. I can say down the road every minute is worth it for both of you. I have that.

I am so grateful to this artical, I had an argument with my son yesterday night . I didn't see my support to him , but anxiety.

maybe I misunderstood companionship and parenting before , maybe I am not strong enough .