HUMANS 101

People typically shut down when someone talks for more than 40 seconds. I’d recently read that from Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen, and this past weekend I had a firsthand experience of it.

My houseguest, someone I didn’t know very well, turned out to be quite the talker. As we sat together after dinner his verbal stream of consciousness washed over me, and I wondered when he might pause to take a breath. He didn’t.

I felt myself shutting down, losing interest not just in listening to him but also in saying anything. The nonstop talking continued at breakfast the next morning and into the afternoon activities. Not one question did he ask of me. Not surprisingly, I didn’t feel any meaningful connection with him when we said our goodbyes later that day.

A month earlier, I had quite a different experience when a business acquaintance introduced me to someone she thought I might get along with. He and I had an hour-long Zoom call, a delightful exchange about our personal and professional lives. We learned about each other — he asked great questions, listened without interrupting, and I did the same. The hour flew by, and we agreed to have another call. I hung up the phone thinking, Great guy. Be happy to chat with him again. We made a good connection and created a warm friendship.

Good conversation is like great sex — everyone has fun and wants more.

When people talk too much, you only get to know the part of themselves they’re speaking about, which may or may not interest you. They certainly don’t get to know you. As a result, no meaningful bond is formed, and why would you look forward to another interaction?

Talking too much is not attractive or socially polite. At its worst, it can be rude, narcissistic, and damaging to your credibility.

From my experience as a leadership consultant and executive coach, here are four principles that can help you be a more interesting conversationalist in your business and personal life.

Manage internal noise

Listening takes work because it’s an active skill, not a passive one. I’ll never forget the experience I had with a guy who kept looking over my shoulder at the people behind me — it made me feel like he was somewhere else during the entire conversation. Our own overactive minds can create interference and get in our way. If you know you’re distracted going into a conversation, say something like, “Please forgive me, I’ve got a lot on mind. If you see me losing focus, it’s not you.”

Another common interference is mentally rehearsing what you will say when someone is speaking. It’s not necessary, and it gets in the way of being fully present. Instead, just listen and put your attention totally on the other person.

When we manage our internal noise, we can be more present, which means we can catch the nuances of someone’s tone of voice, facial expression, body language, and even what’s not said. As a result, we can more easily reflect back on what we heard through paraphrasing, clarifying, confirming, and asking meaningful follow-up questions.

Listen, acknowledge, and inquire

Charles Green, the author of The Trusted Advisor, says,“Listening is not a means to an end, but is an end in itself.” He points out that listening is not just a necessary task to be completed that earns you the right to speak. Instead, real listening creates a meaningful connection— it is an active process that signals genuine interest in the other person. When someone shows interest in us, we feel it, like it, and we’re more apt to like and remember the person who listened to us.

Express interest in your partner's viewpoint. Conversation should be like a ball being passed back and forth between two people: one person speaks, tossing the ball; the other catches it, acknowledges the point being made, asks a question or provides their point of view, and tosses it back. Catching the ball without any form of acknowledgment can leave the other person wondering if you’re actually listening.

Even a small gesture like a head nod, saying, “I see,” or “Uh-huh,” can demonstrate you’re paying attention. Asking follow-up questions like, ‘Tell me more,” or, “I’m intrigued when you said…” helps signal interest. Building on the last thing someone said is a great way to advance the conversation and demonstrate your engagement.

If you want someone to speak more, ask open-ended questions using questions that begin with what, how, or why. On the other hand, if you want to limit someone’s answers or get specific details, ask close-ended questions that can be answered with one word or short answers. For example, “Do you like red wine?” or “Do you want to go for a walk?”

You can also use inquiry to handle conflict. It’s tempting to immediately defend your position when someone disagrees with you. A smarter way to go is to use inquiry first. Give up the idea of having to be right. Instead, first, seek to understand their point of view. For example, let’s suppose someone says, “Your plan to merge the two sales teams will be a disaster.” Say, “I see you don’t like the idea. Please explain why.”

Speak with care for the other person

Research from the Harvard University Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience (SCAN) lab determined when people talk about themselves, they activate the mesolimbic dopamine system in the brain, “which is generally associated with reward and has been linked to the pleasurable feelings and motivational states associated with stimuli such as sex, cocaine, and good food.” No wonder we like to talk about ourselves. But there’s speaking about ourselves and speaking with consideration for the other person.

We are naturally attracted to people who are authentic and truthful — we like straight talk. We also appreciate being respected by others. Conversations are more effective when both elements exist together — connection improves, defensiveness decreases. Problems occur when honesty becomes brutal, demeaning, and hurtful. On the other hand, being respectful without honesty can show up as overly nice, insincere, and passive. When honesty and respect are integrated, we can be powerful and graceful — creating authenticity and effectiveness.

Use “I” statements. Nobody likes being told what to do or that they’re wrong. Using “I” statements like, “I don’t agree with you and here’s why,” is much more effective than, “That’s a stupid idea.” Presenting an opinion as a fact creates defensiveness while owning our opinion prevents it from being toxic. For example, there’s a big difference between saying, “Are you still working on the pet project of yours?” and “I have some concerns about the project. Can we speak about it?”

Leading by example is also key. Remember that you can set the tone for the conversation.If you want to add a personal touch to a conversation, use someone’s name occasionally. It conveys warmth and caring. If you want the conversation to be more intimate, take the lead and share something appropriate to the context of the conversation. If you want someone to speak freely, ask for their advice — it’s a powerful way to create more connection.

Give permission to interrupt. If you know you tend to wander off-topic, let your conversation partner know up front and give them permission to interrupt or get you back on track. For example, “I’m a bit of a talker. If I go on too much, interrupt me.” Self-disclosure is powerful and helps create more trust and openness.

Resolve differences

Conversations often break downbecause people want to look good and be right — it’s a defense mechanism based on fear and self-protection. But even a contentious disagreement can be resolved if you look for underlying interests.

For example, a couple wants to go on vacation. One person wants to go hiking, the other to the beach. They each have their “position.” However, if they ask each other, “Why is that important to you?” they’ll find underlying intereststhat open up possibilities to solve the problem.

“Why is hiking important to me? I like fresh air, exercise, and being in nature.”

“Why is the beach important to me? I like to relax, feel the warmth of the sun, and swim in the water.”

Both people want to be in nature, get fresh air, relax, and exercise — shared interests. They can brainstorm together to discover alternatives that satisfy their shared interests.

Another way to create transparent dialogue, surface inferences, and avoid potential problems is to use the phrase, “The story I’m telling myself is...”

For example, “The story I’m telling myself when I don’t hear from you for weeks at a time is you just don’t care about our friendship as much as you did before.”

The other person might surprise you with something like: “No. I’m so sorry. I’ve had a rough few months dealing with family drama. It’s been overwhelming.”

A simple phrase can make a big difference in avoiding a big misunderstanding.

And finally: Don’t get furious; get curious. If you feel yourself getting angry or agitated, remember to take a deep breath and ask a clarifying question before losing your cool and regretting it later. “Hey, I’m really not getting what you’re saying. Please, start from the beginning and explain it again.”