An illustrated list

Boobies, tits, jugs, melons, torpedoes. There are so many names our breasts have been called that we think we’ve heard them all. But I promise, you haven’t. Not by a long shot. While doing research for another project, I found a list of various slang words for breasts throughout history compiled by a linguist. Below are ten that will make you wonder why women put up with men at all for the last several hundred years.

The dairy farm

We made milk so therefore we were nothing but factories in the eyes of those who saw our breasts as efficient milk manufacturing plants.

Big brown eyes

At first I had no idea what this even meant. It gave new meaning to the phrase, “My eyes are up here, pal.” Then I whispered to myself, “Oh, it’s because of the areola…”

Sweater puppies

Back when “petting” was a part of getting hot and heavy in the back of a car, men loved nothing more than stroking those squirming “pups” under one’s sweater. Bra technology wasn’t as sturdy as it is now, so there’s a good chance they did move a lot more.

Dinner buckets

After a long day of working on the farm, what man wouldn’t have wanted to come home and immediately get to chomping on the dinner buckets? Delicious? I guess. Not sure how I wouldn’t feel like a piece of literal meat if a man called my bosom this term though.

Bag of snakes

Puppies, fine, I understand. Snakes? No, in no way do women’s breasts resemble a slithery reptile, let alone a bag of them. I’m absolutely certain this phrase was coined by someone with an extreme phobia of breasts.

Lung Warts

Lung pimples, lung warts, lung corns, it’s all the same. If your lungs are sick, at least you’ve got a great rack to show for it.

The upper deck

This one may be a compliment. It’s the best part of the boat and the body! However, I don’t really like what that implies for the lower deck.

Num nums

The word means, “A delicious, soft treat for a child.” I’m sorry, but if anyone ever calls your breasts num nums, please run. That person has their mother’s body stuffed in an attic somewhere.

Breasts are like cans! They keep well. And they’re hard. And they make clunking sounds when we move. Obviously none of that is true. I can only surmise that this term was created by someone who had never seen breasts and was trying to impress their friends by describing them.

Cat heads

Presumably some men got scratched after being too forward. Thus the name “cat heads” stuck. Yet I wonder what my life would be like if there were indeed cats stuffed in my shirt at all times. Would they fight? Could I get more days off work when they were swollen from hormones? We may never know.