Photo by Bacila Vlad on Unsplash

August 9th marked 15 years since my dad died. I could tell you that it was a difficult, or sobering day, but that would be a lie. It was instead a rather uneventful day. I didn’t even realize it was the anniversary until I looked at the calendar. I would not have believed you if you’d told me 15 years ago that would happen. In fact, I would have most likely told you that I would never feel good on that day ever again. Today, August 30th is National Grief Awareness Day. As I reflect on my journey through grief, I am thankful to be on this side of it. I also think about those who are still in the throes of their grief. I know there’s so much that we don’t talk about when it comes to grief, and there are some things I wish we did. We would help ourselves through some of our most difficult moments if we did. I wish someone had told me more about grief so that I didn’t suffer as much as I had.

I wish someone had told me it was ok to grieve. Lots of people told me they were sorry for my loss. Lots of people told me to be strong and to let them know if I needed anything. But no one told me that it was ok to grieve. So many people showed up when my dad died. There were over 7,000 people at his memorial service. There were so many people in my parents’ home afterward that there was hardly any place to hear my own thoughts. But once the day ended, people retreated to their own corners of the world. It was treated as if the customary time to acknowledge his death and allow for sadness and tears had been given, but it was now time to return to normal. The problem was that my normal was forever gone and I had no idea how to get back to it. It felt like people were disappointed when I failed to return to the expected homeostasis. It wasn’t until I went to therapy a year later and told the therapist what I was feeling and experiencing did someone kindly said to me, That’s grief. And it’s OK.

I wish someone had told me that there isn’t necessarily an endpoint to grief. I woke up every day after my dad died fighting to get to the moment when I would be over it. I felt like a failure each time I awoke to find that I wasn’t over it. To be…