A six-year-old, a chess board, and a lesson in excellence

My son, Caden, is fascinated with chess. He loves the strategy behind the game, but his love for chess was a hard-fought battle. We’ve played every week for the past couple of months. And I’m lucky enough to say he taught me the importance of striving for excellence through chess.

Before we get into the details, you need to understand that Caden is a serious kid. He’s exceptionally competitive but tends to give up easily when something is hard. It sounds like every six-year-old out there, right? It’s an interesting dynamic to experience as a parent. Mostly because I don’t want him to give up too quickly. I want him to have fun, but I also want to build resilience. I want to push him hard, but not too hard.

I’ve read too many stories of highly successful people who had difficult childhoods. How do I instill the complex work values of Rockefeller without the unhappiness? How do I teach him to become a chess master without the headaches? It’s an age-old parental conundrum. How hard do you push your child?

OK, back to Caden’s Gambit.

Sometimes, Caden decides to stop playing, runs away pouting, or knocks over pieces because I’m winning or coming for his queen. Again, a completely normal six-year-old reaction.

My first reaction was to scold him, “Caden, it’s just a game. You need to be a good sport. The only way you’ll get better is if you continue to play.” The scolding rarely works. He refuses to play, and we both leave frustrated because he’s six, and I’m a child in a man’s body.

This “storming” kept happening week after week—until I decided to switch up tactics. This is mainly due to my reading of Ryan Holiday’s Daily Stoic, in which he quotes Marcus Aurelius:

“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human and, therefore, manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.”

I needed to calm my mind to help Caden relax. It’s natural to become angry or scold; it’s human nature. It might make me feel better, but does it solve the problem? It wasn’t my son’s fault. He wants to learn how to play and win while doing it. I can’t fault him for having the competitive Lacy gene.

So, I switched it up. “I understand you’re upset. Let’s start over. Do you want to start from the beginning, and I can explain the moves?” He reacts differently now. He doesn’t storm off. He agrees and finishes full games as I coach him through different moves. He just wanted a second chance.

Caden demonstrated two very different reactions, and both came from a place of striving for excellence. He wanted to win. He wanted to learn. He tried to succeed. But I had to learn how to push and encourage him helpfully and without being reactionary.

Now he’s excited to play and gets better every time we sit down at the board.

All that to say, this same concept applies to our work. We must strive for excellence as individuals and as a team by recognizing that we all approach the path to excellence differently. But how do we fully understand each path?

1. Use a guide to understand the way we work and live. Use a personality profile like DiSC or CliftonStrengths to give you a common language your teams can use to understand better themselves and those they interact with. Most personality tests have a guide, but you can also choose to hire a consultant to guide you through the process.

2. Read The Five Dysfunctions of a Team (again). There is no better book to learn how to build trust and efficiency within a team than Lencioni’s masterpiece. Read the book as a team, and discuss the five steps to building trust, vulnerability, and teamwork.

3. Host a life story meeting. This is one of my favorite tactics for building trust within a team. Ask each of your direct reports to make a life story slide detailing their personal and professional triumphs and challenges. Give each teammate 15 minutes to talk through their slides. Encourage the team to be vulnerable, which will ultimately build trust.

4. Personalize the path. Everyone approaches work and their path to excellence differently and sets goals accordingly. For example, individuals with a high D (DiSC) will care more about bottom-line results than a high I who may favor relationship building.

Ultimately, it is about building trust. Trust is foundational to a team that holds each other accountable in their pursuit of excellence. Personal goals matter, but what’s far more critical is how we strive for excellence and support those around us in their pursuit of excellence.

So, the next time you are close to anger or frustration with a co-worker, calm your mind before you respond.

Kyle is lucky to serve his family and the marketing team at Seismic.