Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a psychiatrist who extensively studied death and dying (grief). She discovered that each of these people went through the same stages of grieving, even if they experienced them differently. This began her career researching grief, in which she eventually coined 5 stages: denial, depression, anger, bargaining, and finally, acceptance. While her studies surrounded death, her stages of grief have generalized to victims of isolated trauma (PTSD), childhood trauma (cPTSD), and narcissistic abuse.

Anger is a necessary part of grieving. When a person has experienced complex trauma from chronic childhood neglect, abuse, or abandonment, or has experienced other forms of repeated abuse (captivity, war, human trafficking, narcissistic abuse in intimate relationships, especially covert narcissistic abuse) these experiences can — and do — create trauma.

Part of healing from any type of trauma is to be able to fully grieve in the process.

For adults who were children of severe abuse, this may mean getting angry for having had a childhood filled with abuse, brutality, neglect, or never having had their emotional needs met. For someone living in captivity, this may mean getting angry for being emotionally controlled, manipulated, or micro-managed and not being able to be autonomous or in control of their own choices. For someone who was betrayed in an intimate relationship from narcissistic abuse, this may mean becoming angry at themselves for allowing this type of person in their lives, as well as angry at their caregivers for not teaching them their worth to help prevent this type of relationship. It may mean getting angry at their abuser for abandoning them, for cheating on them, or for discarding them for whatever they had on the side.

Anger is necessary. Yet, a common pattern usually falls on one of two sides of the coin:

Some will avoid anger at all costs; while others tend to stay “stuck” in the stage of anger and have difficulty moving past it.

Avoiding Anger

For those who won’t get angry (notice how I didn’t say “can’t” get angry), there may be a sense of deep childhood shame or guilt at play that prevents them from becoming angry and purging their trauma. They may have been shamed as a child for getting angry, or they may have been told to “suck it up” or “just be happy” where a toxic parent may have modeled toxic positivity. Similarly, socioeconomic conditions may have played a role where kids were conditioned to “be happy” at all costs, in case a social worker were to show up.

As a result of these factors in upbringing, many become out of touch with their own emotions and the emotions of others where chronic “happiness” and a constant need to be busy become momentary distractions in keeping their anger or rage at bay. Underneath their faux happiness are usually deep-seeded resentments, anger, and unyielding sadness from their trauma they haven’t processed.

As a result, these tend to manifest as severe anxiety or depression, and a chronic sense of shame from putting on a mask of happiness. Many in this situation may have been conditioned to become covertly narcissistic, where outside demeanor of being seen the “good guy/gal” hides bitterness, rage, or condescension towards those in their lives.

Those raised in this type of environment may have been raised by caregivers who were diagnosed with a personality disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder), where severe codependency issues were taught where everyone was “supposed” to wear the hat they were handed, and/or higher incidences of depression.

Those who live by this adage of not allowing themselves to express their anger or to process their grief often have relationships that are superficial, shallow, and based on little investment. Hobbies, get-togethers, drugs/alcohol, or other distractions often come into play to continue avoiding their deeper pain. If a relationship threatens their feelings, or triggers their anger, it can be discarded for one that doesn’t trigger their anger.

And unfortunately, doesn’t offer them any growth or healing.

Yet, as with all trauma, the more we try to hide it, dismiss it, ignore, or avoid it, the more it holds its stake in our lives. In time, this pattern can wreak havoc in their lives.

Stuck In Anger

On the flip-side, are those that battle their anger and are overly angry. In childhood, they may have grown up in a brutal environment filled with malignant narcissistic parents or caregivers, negligent caregivers who were uninvolved or uninterested, or both. Many who battle this type of chronic anger and get “stuck” were often modeled the same anger from their parents or caregivers.

Anger may have been the only “approved” emotion that a young boy or girl was allowed to show. They may see their parents or caregivers driving erratically or speeding aggressively when triggered, with no regard for their child’s life. They may see their parent or caregiver fall to pieces and becoming violent, or screaming or crying when their relationship ends, or there’s a relationship issue. Or, they take their rage out on their children who now carry the burden of their parent’s unresolved issues.

As a result, kids may begin imitating what is modeled for them and learning that life’s problems = rage. Boys raised in this type of toxic environment often have correlations with antisocial behavior, delinquency, and drug/alcohol abuse, and girls raised in this type of environment often have correlations with self-injurious behavior including eating disorders, cutting, or suicidality.

The outcome of being raised in these conditions often includes severe anger problems for children that may be carried with them into their adult lives, difficulty with relationships, and a history of dating predatory, or abusive types that “allow” them to remain angry.

Those who remain stuck feeling angry and those who are in denial or stuck in toxic positivity tend to battle the same fears: what to expect in the next stage of grief?

Grieving is different for everyone. There’s no hard and fast method of overcoming grieving in allowing ourselves to fully heal. Remaining stuck in toxic positivity (denying anger, denying grief or trauma) can increase the risk of repeating early trauma in our adult relationships until the trauma has been addressed and healed. Similarly, remaining stuck in anger prevents us from moving through the next stages of grieving where anger is perpetuated.

Ultimately, what keeps many of us denying our grief is the fear associated with grieving. No one wants to feel depression, or angry. No one wants to be stuck bargaining in “hopes” that an ex will return, or a deceased parent is only on an extended vacation.

On some levels, remaining stuck in anger, or denying our anger is easier.

Isn’t it?

Originally posted on quora