For the last few weeks, I have been sprinkling the clown emoji into my text messages to test my friends’ reactions. I never use this nightmarish emoji, so I expected others to see my overzealous clown texting as a cry for help.

Not a single person asked if I needed a hug.

I either have horrible friends, or no one wants to bother disambiguating my cheeky messages.

Let’s go with the latter.

To be fair, most people don’t use emojis as a social experiment. Emojis typically aid personal expression, establish tone, lighten the mood, or reduce ambiguity. Let’s face it. Emojis can make or break your texting game.

But the ambiguity part gets tricky. One person can view the smirk emoji 😏 as a playful sexual innuendo, while another can view it as mocking. And to an exhausted mom, the poop emoji 💩 is just an ironic pile of shit. To a hopeful farmer, it’s nature’s fertilizer. Context matters.

On top of this confusion, each generation has a coded way of using emojis, and you better know the rules if you ever want to get laid.

Gen Z likes their lighthearted memento mori 💀 (But that might change by tomorrow.) Millennials are having a mental breakdown and won’t retire the laughing/crying emoji 😂 (I am looking at you, heartless millennial ex-boyfriend.) Boomers like their praying hands. 🙏 (Probably because they once navigated this shipwreck of fools.) The Silent Generation either overuses emojis or complains that they despoiled literacy. (Although studies have found that is untrue).

And Gen X…? Yeah, no one cares what you think. Carry on, Gen X.

Emojis also go beyond generational wars. Studies have found when men and women use the same emoji, recipients feel different emotions. For example, when women use affectionate emojis (😘 🥰 😍), they are viewed as more attractive. In comparison, men are viewed as less attractive when blowing air kisses.

Sorry men, you cannot emote. Just stick to muscle-flexing 💪 or the sleeper-hit, bowing dude 🙇‍♂️. (He’s bowing. Not puking. I checked.)

But whether you are a proud drooler 🤤 or getting a hot flash, 🥵 emojis embroider our everyday communication with personality. A 2013 study even found that emojis connect to the same area of the brain associated with recognizing facial expressions. In other words, a smiley face is perceived as the person smiling.

Another study found that customer service agents who used emojis got higher ratings and were rated as more personable than agents who used only text. And according to the 2021 Global Emoji Trend Report surveying over 7000 respondents, 67% believe enthusiastic emojis users are “friendlier, funnier, and cooler.”

But while some emojis can temper a heated debate, other emojis give the impression that you are a misanthropic wanker. The following are the most controversial emojis.

👹 The Ogre Emoji

I confess I have a soft spot for the Japanese ogre. Every New Year, he wards off evil spirits, and he looks like one of the monsters in Where The Wild Things Are. What’s not to love? Well, one study found that the ogre guy creeped people out.

The study examined the use of emojis to indicate personality. The researchers had participants take the DSM-5 Personality Assessment and then asked them a simple question; “How do you recognize yourself in the following emoji?”

The hands-down winner for the most cringe-worthy emoji was the ogre.

This research supports the “lexical hypothesis,” which theorizes that the words and expressions commonly used by people tend to reflect their personality. So I guess only use this emoji if your day job is guarding bridges.

🙄 The Eye Roll Emoji

We often intend the eye roll emoji to communicate sarcasm, but it can be viewed as contempt.

Contempt napalm bombs conversations. Once you show contempt, you have communicated to someone that their emotions (and reality) do not matter. The eye roll face is the gaslighter of emojis.

To be clear, I am not opposed to sarcasm. Sarcasm gives conversations their saltiness. But sarcasm is also an emotion that must bend with the situation. When communicating in person, go ahead and pepper in a little biting wit. In writing…well, let’s just say research shows we think we are far better at conveying sarcasm in writing than we really are (guilty).

But the eye roll has its diabolical purpose in the right situation. For example, if I text the following:

“Everyone should try Tucker Carlson’s new testicle tanner!”

That will be interpreted differently than:

“Everyone should try Tucker Carlson’s testicle tanner.” 🙄

When in doubt, save your eye roll for those who will get it.

🤡 The Clown Emoji

According to Emojipedia, the clown emoji signifies someone who is “foolish, idiotic and/or selfish.”

My vote is for creepy. While the Ogre emoji is reminiscent of a favorite children’s book monster, the clown emoji looks like John Wayne Gacy’s clown art.

Not sure what Apple was thinking — if it is good enough for a serial killer, it will work for text messaging too? Maybe a hat with bells would have endeared more people to the clown emoji.

😂 The Laughing/Crying Emoji

The laughing/crying emoji was again the most popular emoji in 2021 with millennials. Gen Z disagrees. They deemed the laughing/crying emoji the most “uncool” emoji of 2021.

I'm with the anti-skinny jeans warriors on this one. The laughing/crying emoji is melodramatic and grossly overused. When was the last time you cried so hard that you started laughing? Or you laughed so hard, you bawled?

Pull it together, people! Are you really having so much trouble regulating your emotions that tears explode from your tear ducts? And what’s with the perfect symmetrical tears coupled with equally perfect teeth. This emoji is an insult to ugly criers.

💩The Poop Emoji

When I first saw the poop emoji, I immediately thought — how cute… chocolate pudding with a smiley face. And everyone loved pudding until Bill Cosby wrecked it for kids across America.

But then I learned it was actually a pile of excrement.

Just why? Why are we still using this? Do you know what spreading waste has done for humanity? Cholera, dysentery, and that hoodoo Montezuma’s revenge, to name a few. Last I checked, we are still trying to survive a deadly pandemic. So can we please hit pause on the most heinous disease vector in history?

🍆 The Aubergine (Eggplant) Emoji

Ah yes, the ubiquitous sexy time emoji used by men trapped in a fourteen-year-old body.

First off, there’s a reason why Italians call eggplants “melanzana,” meaning “apple of insanity.” Yes, that is right. Eggplant is a fruit, not a vegetable.

And not just any fruit. Eggplants are the sinister fruit of humanity. They belong to the deadly nightshade family and cause inflammation. Oh, and their seeds contain nicotine. So there’s that.

I would also be remiss if I didn’t point out the incongruency of sending an eggplant to communicate unbridled lust. Does your lady friend have a vagina the size of the Son Doong caves? No one is having sexy thoughts over a purple cudgel shaped like a demon shlong.

Riddle me this, Unicode geniuses — why is there no pickle emoji? It’s the perfect compact size and has bumps for her pleasure. Sign the petition.

An ambiguous text message always has the potential to be interpreted negatively. Emojis can take the sting off our sarcasm or make messages more flirtatious. Emojis are a conversational safety net.

But the wrong emoji is the difference between clowning around and looking like a creepy, serial killer clown. So choose those emojis carefully. 🤡 🔪