Ask HN: How to stop thinking about work and software engineering on the weekend?

It will be liberating to accept that you have to let some (many) things just pass you by.

After a decade plus of that, I found a tech stack that I liked enough to stick with long term. I didn't plan it that way, I just found one that made work enjoyable again and decided none of the technical improvements other tools might offer would outweigh the quality of life I'd found.

What I found after sticking with the same language and toolset for 5 years was that there was a new level of mastery I'd never known before.

I was writing code as fast as I could write English. I was spending up to 100% of my dev time on a given day working on purely the functionality in my project. Little to no time spent looking up how to do things.

Nobody deserves any shame for looking up info to help them code. We've accepted it's an important and reasonable part of the job. And it never bothered me.

But when I experienced for the first time that I'd truly memorized and internalized nearly everything about my day to day work, I found a surprising and unprecedented level of focus on what really mattered.

All those context switches throughout the day hopping between coding and figuring out how to do something, they'd become so normal to me and to the field that it didn't occur to me that they were not strictly necessary.

I could switch to a new language today and be fairly productive with it a week from now. It wouldn't feel weird to anyone that I was spending a lot of time looking up info to learn how best to work with it. Even experienced devs do that.

But what I understand now is the true cost of being on that treadmill to chase skills I think I'm supposed to have because they're newer and fit one of the subjective definitions of "better".

Feeling less pressure to spend my free time constantly upgrading my skills hadn't been a motivating factor, but it was a bonus. You still want to learn new things, but you should understand that much of what we're bombarded with are new ways to do things we already know how to do, in a supposedly better but really just different way.

With that said, in my 20s I crashed through many of these subjects. I did well enough, and now maybe I'm a bit young for my level, but there's not a ton to show for that. My advice, take your time and treat learning like a marathon. The big salaries and opportunities will always be there, and the stronger the relationship with that foundational fabric the more in grasp those opportunities will continue to be.

Time is wasted when the value of what you're spending it on is less than the opportunity cost of what you could be spending it on [1]. What is the opportunity cost of you not learning more about software engineering?

In other words, what is the goal you're not working toward? And then, if you want to go deeper: why is that the goal?

Is it extrinsic? Do you want to get better at work so you can rise up in the company and get more money? Are you trying to gain the experience to someday start your own company?

Is it intrinsic? Is there a topic you're interested in learning about for its own sake? A side project you want to build?

In my leisure time, I prioritize intrinsic interests: hobbies or side projects that I find personally fulfilling. It might be that you still find yourself gravitating toward computer science or related fields — and that's okay! There's no rule that says your vocation and avocations need to be unrelated.

Of course, everyone is different, and you're free to pursue extrinsic interests in your leisure time too. Just try to keep perspective — in the end, the rat race doesn't matter, and you'll probably think back more fondly on time spent with meaningful people and activities.

Either way, keep in mind that burnout is very real, and you can indeed have too much of a good thing. Watching a movie with friends or playing a game with your family can make the hours you spend learning more effective!

[1] For example, writing a long comment on HN instead of finishing a song you've been writing ;)

However, it may be that you just don't like your usual weekend activities. Try seeking a more rewarding and less passive kind of leisure.

I agree, as the original poster could try watching movies they would enjoy. From the original post: "That said, recently I have some strange discomfort inside when, for example, watching a movie in the evening. It feels wrong to spend time this way when there are so many things I still don't know or understand...".

I feel the same discomfort when watching blockbuster hits (if people really do enjoy them as an escape, that's great that the movies can create enjoyment, but for my personal tastes, it's just not enjoyable), but don't feel the same way when watching classic films (e.g. stuff like the 1931 film "M"). It's a goal of mine to better understand classic film, so I'm making progress on a goal instead of letting time pass by.

So, OP can try watching the American Film Institute (AFI) Top 100 List [0] as a starting point. They can also consider classical books, exploring musical genres, and any other type of artistic medium where there is a sense of reward from enjoying the works.

[0] https://www.afi.com/afis-100-years-100-movies/

As for the original issue, it's probably more about my mind wandering all the time. Watching a movie, I can suddenly distact and think about a recent article or part of the book that I didn't manage to understand and then the movie is practically over for me. I must immediately figure it out in order to feel good again.

You say you have a dream job, but perhaps you are better suited to some kind of entrepreneurial activities.

At least if your mind is always active, your effort will be going purely to reward you.

I started watched a movie today then I suddenly thought about that interesting blog post on concurrency that I couldn't completely understand the first time. And here I am spending most of the day reading and investigating :)

If there is a thought or issue that I don't understand, I can't stop until I get it.

I'm sure most people feel this way at some point but you just need to learn to deal with it in your own way. It's not the end of the world if your mind wanders whilst watching a movie but you should also accept that your brain needs time to organise itself and it may not always do this at your convenience.

There is a reason why people drink a lot at weekends - not that I am suggesting you do the same though.

Having another human trying to attack and subdue you will be 100% effective in stopping you from thinking about software engineering, at least temporarily.

There’s really nothing that puts the triviality of modern life in perspective quite as effectively as directly experiencing actual violence.

In which case making yourself highly active (I’d recommend adding weight training to the routine as well) stands a pretty good change of fixing you up.

Or, you’ll end up in unrelenting excruciating pain. Which will probably also be an effective way to distract you from thinking about software engineering.

Outside of business, you can consider learning how to cook a great meal, or learn a martial art for recreation and mastery.

That's a very strong sign of impostor syndrome. Nobody knows everything. Be curious and inquisitive, but try not to obsess.