“Do you think we are headed towards civil war?” The question is jarring, but not absurd.

It was two weeks before the 2020 elections and I was sitting in my living room on a Zoom call when it was asked. I glanced over at my child, who was reading on the floor next to me to gauge how much he was listening. He was absorbed in his book.

I knew there were groups such as the Boogaloos who fetishize the idea of civil war. I knew, too, that there were serious threats to our electoral system — that’s what the Zoom meeting was about. Things felt upsetting, dire.

But my answer to this question was still a clear-eyed “no.” As hard as the year had been, as dangerous as the extremists had become, and, yes, as horrible as many of us had behaved during a year spent too exclusively online, I believed that our common needs and common ground tie us together. I still do.

Yet, the conventional wisdom is that we are more divided than ever. One can see why: When it comes to our values and beliefs, 70% of both Democrats and Republicans think that our country is “greatly divided” (Monmouth, 2019). A month before the 2020 elections, eight in ten voters said that our differences were about core values, not just politics and that the “other side” would bring “lasting harm” to society (Pew, Oct 2020). Americans seem to hate each other, with little forgiveness. No wonder someone was asking about civil war.

We know we feel divided, but are we actually? While polls demonstrate that we believe we have little in common, polls also show that we are wrong. There are many areas where Americans overwhelmingly agree. Last summer we expressed such widespread consensus on racism’s pervasiveness that pollsters heralded it as one of the largest agreements in the history of polling. 76% of Americans overwhelmingly agreed that racism remains “a big problem” in our society (Momouth, June 2020).

It’s not just broad ideological statements on which we can reach consensus, but also the minutiae of policy. Here in North Carolina, 72% of voters, including a majority of registered Republicans, support the Biden administration’s Build Back Better plan (Data for Progress, Aug 2021). Even while their party representatives in Raleigh do not, Republican voters also support Medicaid coverage for low-income North Carolinians by a margin of more than 2 to 1 (NC Child, November 2021).

Given this evidence, why does division rather than consensus occupy our collective imagination? We think we are much more polarized than we are, no doubt due to how often we are given this message. Our media consumption is notoriously partisan, social media algorithms reward contention, and we are a country haphazardly forged out of serious cultural, regional, and historic divisions. Significantly, our unyielding two-party system dissolves any nuanced debates into battlelines that make our politics feel relentless, pitiless, and zero-sum.

Here in North Carolina, people might identify with specific political ideologies yet remain sensitive to community needs that rarely are partisan in nature. Talking to our neighbors across political and cultural divides, we find that we actually want the same things: Good schools, affordable housing, a decent wage. By talking to each other, and through listening, North Carolinians and other Americans who are in community together can find plenty of common ground.

Talking across differences does not mean compromising one’s political identity or values, nor is it a centrist compromise. Instead, politically disparate people can be persuaded to work together toward mutually satisfactory outcomes regardless of politics. Last spring in Haywood County, NC, organizers who engaged in deep conversations with their neighbors found that people across party lines wanted to see the local government support mental health resources instead of building a new jail, with 34% of people changing their minds as a result of the conversations (Down Home NC, 2021). This fall, 32% of rural North Carolinians changed their views on government spending after a deep canvassing conversation, agreeing that the government should do more to support jobs and the economy during the pandemic recovery (Down Home NC, 2021). If we talk to each other about solving specific issues, instead of using markers of political identity, we find can find common ground (YouGov-Cambridge, Nov 2021). When we share, listen, and engage with each other the markers of political identity, which tend to essentialize an opposing side, dissolve.

If something as simple as conversations can bring us together, then why are we being driven so far apart?

It’s not simply “nice” to communicate across divides — it’s incredibly strategic. If you are marginalized, poor, or working-class it’s a straight-up necessity. There is no other way to build power.

Divisive politics benefit no one except those who are already in power — that’s why it's encouraged from on high. Politicians and media outlets alike feed off this polarization, benefitting from the clickbait of conflict. History shows again and again that polarization increases the power of those in a position to broker it, and if this is so, then we should identify and name the individuals who promote it and, instead of feeding into it, ask why it is they want us here.