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So I came across a quote, which I originally saw as a screenshot in some random context, but I tracked it down to this Tweet. It was a response to the prompt, “Tell me you’re a woman without telling me you’re a woman,” and the quote went like this:

Telling men I’m in a relationship even though I’m single because they’d rather respect an unknown man more than my choice to say No.

The thing about this that caught my attention is that it’s so completely wrong. That’s not at all why a guy will back down when a woman says she has a boyfriend. Not at all.

To put it bluntly, I don’t give a fuck about some other dude I don’t know.

The concept is so alien to me that I honestly thought that this whole premise of men respecting other men’s “turf” was so clearly misguided that it must be a fairly isolated perception. Maybe advocated among women who want to elevate the the hypothetical situation into a more political context.

The screenshot of the Tweet as I originally came across it.

So I asked around, and I was pretty shocked to discover that most, nearly all, of my female friends expressed a similar idea, completely unprompted by me, that guys respect other men’s territory over a woman’s agency. They phrased it in different ways, with different nuances, but there it was. I was kind of amazed that this idea has so much currency. Though this wasn’t a scientific survey, maybe it says something about the women I know.

In one sense, it’s kind of understandable how women would come to see things this way. Everyone, male or female or whatever else, tends to try to understand the world in terms of how it relates to them. Less so in terms of how other people are living their own lives in their own heads, separate from yours.

The idea that men are operating in terms of women as property is all founded on perceptions of what men think about women. It’s less about what men think about themselves, and that’s where it goes wrong. Completely wrong. In this situation, like most humans in most situations, men aren’t thinking about women’s social status or anything high concept like that. Or at least, that’s not the primary concern. Men are thinking about themselves. And surely that’s not hard to believe.

Yeah, All Men

To break down what is really going on in the brain of a dude when a woman rejects him by saying she has a boyfriend, there are a lot of weeds that obscure the core reality.

First, of course, the category of “men” is too broad for me or anyone to speak about with absolution. No, this isn’t a “not all men” cop out. Kind of the reverse, actually. I’m delineating the extremes, not any exceptions.

A little while ago I was listening to a podcast about some crazy Christian group called the IBLP, where they believe women are completely subservient to men. A daughter has to obey her father completely, right up until she marries a man, that her father chose for her, and then after that she is completely under the control of her husband. It’s fucking nuts, but, sadly, just one example of many cultures, religions, and groups that have very specific things they teach men about women.

The thing about groups like this is that they are identifiable by their creed. These groups have names or traits that separate them out from society at large, so one can make a clear decision about agreeing or not agreeing with whatever they believe. It doesn’t have to be any kind of formal group, it can be something more nebulous, maybe whatever half baked misogyny that bubbles up from the “manosphere.”

So, there are definitely men who have specific ideas about how women are situated in society, and what women are “allowed” to do or not do, and how much agency they have. But, for my purposes here, I think it’s reasonable to put them aside and speak more broadly about the mainstream of men who, if you asked them, would say they believe that women are equal. Even your average Joe Rogan fan, at least the ones I know, will say, “of course women have agency.” How they behave might be different, but at least the concept is rattling around in their brain somewhere.

Putting aside very specific beliefs, if men generally understand, at least on some academic level, that women have agency, then what is it about when she says, “I have a boyfriend,” that has any specific impact?

No Means No

I’ve always understood that women are equal, you can thank my anarcho-feminist mother for that. But I also have had a couple decades of raging hormonal desire that I didn’t know how to cope with, and I can’t say I’ve always lived up to the ideals in my head. I come at this topic with the humility of someone who is not proud of everything I’ve ever done. I’ve always had a better person in mind that I’ve arced towards becoming, and variable success in doing so.

One thing I can say, though, is that I’ve never badgered a woman beyond her saying no, though there have been times when women have not been direct and I did not get the hint, which is a conversation for another time. But no has always meant no. Though, as I write this, I realize I have begged and whined to stay together when I’m months or years deep into a failing relationship, and that counts as a form of denial of another person’s wishes. Hmm… Well, I’ve never ignored a “no” in the initial stages of meeting, so there’s that.

In any case, I’ve never gone from “no” to “I have a boyfriend,” but I have had women tell me they have a boyfriend as their first response, a preemptive strike just in case a “no” would be insufficient anyway. I’ve even had women mention a boyfriend or husband before I’ve even done anything that could be construed as hitting on them. Sometimes even when I wasn’t interested and wasn’t making any attempt at anything.

Circles of Loyalty

When a woman tells me she has a relationship, I generally take that as a cue to not pursue her. But, as stated, not at all because I give the slightest damn about some other dude I’ve never met.

If it’s a guy I have met, then that’s a slightly different story. There have been a couple of times when the girlfriend of a guy I knew propositioned me, and I flat out refused on account of the guy being a known entity to me. The closer he is as a friend, the more it has to do with loyalty to friends and respect for the existing relationship. It’s not just about the guy, it’s about the both of them. This is a matter of loyalty to people that are close to me, not genders.

But, in one of those situations, the boyfriend of the woman propositioning me wasn’t a close friend, he was just kind of in my social scene. Someone I saw kind of regularly, but only in group settings. That’s still a no go for me. Not because I see her as being “his” in any possessive way, where some kind of bro-code bars me from going further. No, I’m just not dumb enough to throw a grenade into the middle of my social life.

I’ve seen how sex and betrayal can blow up in everyone’s face when the truth comes out, and my experience is that the truth almost always comes out eventually. The last thing I need is for a group of guys I enjoy hanging out with to see me as someone they can’t trust around their girlfriends. It’s not about respecting some notion that they have dominion over the women in their lives, it’s about my reputation and keeping my house clean and safe for me. So, no thanks.

There’s also another situation that has to be accounted for, where I knew the boyfriend of a woman I was interested in, but I did not like that guy at all. Then his “claim” to her, as inaccurate as that term is, means literally less than nothing to me. Put that in your bro-code.

You Think A Boyfriend Would Stop Me?

Okay, but, let’s say I’m talking to a woman at a bar, and she says she has a boyfriend, and she’s completely separate from my social life, and whatever guy she’s talking about is a complete unknown to me. I still don’t go for it… sort of. Maybe. Probably.

Some guys absolutely would. When I was checking on this issue with some friends, one of my guy friends mentioned to me that if a woman says she has a boyfriend, he would point at himself and jokingly say, “how about an upgrade?” Hah hah, we’re all just having fun here, right? Unless, you know…

There are so many guys who will absolutely not see another dude as any kind of obstacle, and that’s partly why I was so surprised that so many women went along with this concept of solidarity among men who respect each other’s territory. I would have assumed enough women would have experienced first hand enough men who keep going anyway to put the idea to rest. Guess not. Whatever.

For me, other people’s relationships can mean all sorts of things. She may have a guy in her life where the word “boyfriend” applies, but that doesn’t mean their relationship is solid, or that she’s happy, or that a multiverse of possibilities might not exist. I’ve had women say, “I have a boyfriend,” but at the same time they were the ones that made it clear that was not an obstacle. My assumption in that situation is that her actions delineate her own assessment of the state of her relationship, and it’s her call on how this might impact her life. I’ve had a number of relationships of various lengths that started out with fuzzy boundaries on when either of us might have stopped seeing other people. In fact, it’s a little rare to meet someone who doesn’t even have at least some kind of “it’s complicated” situation going on.

As far as I’m concerned, other people’s relationships are their business, I leave it for them to decide what’s best for them as individuals moving forward. What’s definitely not on the table is worrying about some other guy just because he’s a guy and we have some sort of code of honor, or sense of territory, or anything ridiculous as that. Different guys will draw the lines in slightly different places, but generally what’s drawing the lines are their sense of morality with regard to how they feel about the concept of relationships, not other dudes. (see: all of human history for the level of competition between dudes.)

Now, for me personally, if she said she was married, and especially if she said she had a kid, then that’s a hard pass. Again, not at all because of particular concern for the man in the equation, but because marriage and kids is a whole other thing. Kind of too much to get into here, but, keep in mind that infidelity happens in this world. Some men, and women, will cross that line. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I did once back in the day, and what I learned was, never again. Never ever, no matter what she might say about how her marriage is loveless or whatever else she needs me to hear.

Practicalities

Okay, but, let’s get back on track. There’s a woman I’m hitting on, she says she has a boyfriend, no doubts about her commitment to him, and I have no idea who he is. All else being equal, I will back down. For two pragmatic reasons, and then ultimately for the core reason.

On the pragmatic front, there’s plenty of fish in the sea and all that. Relationships are hard enough when it’s just one on one. Dealing with someone who has other people on the roster is just so many extra layers of hassle I don’t need. There are other single women, so, I’ll just move on.

Again, this is a decision I’ve learned to make the hard way. Not just in situations where a boyfriend is a theoretical obstacle. I’ve gone out with women who were openly polyamorous, where there was no aspect of betrayal of anyone’s feelings involved, and I found even that to be more hassle than it’s worth. So, where I’m at now is that I’m looking for a woman who’s only baggage is her own, and a lot of guys will see this as an issue too.

The other reason is that I’m not an idiot, sometimes, at least in terms of reading the room. She may or may not have an actual boyfriend, but, does it matter if it’s true or not? Regardless of the reality, it’s still code for, “no,” and that’s a signal I was able to receive even in my teens.

Clearly, though, not all guys read, “I have a boyfriend,” as being equivalent to “no,” so we have to finally get down to the core reason. What’s really the ultimate difference between the two?

The Core of a Man’s Being

It’s pretty simple really. The reason “I have a boyfriend” works on guys more than “no” is that it creates plausible deniability in the man’s mind. He can walk away from that interaction with his pride intact because he didn’t get rejected for who he is, he got rejected because of outside factors beyond his control.

It’s all about pride and ego, and I sincerely hope any women reading this will have enough experience based cynicism to understand how excess pride and ego are at the heart of so much male behavior.

Some men are definitely taught that women are obligated to behave in certain ways and similar nonsense, that can definitely be a factor in some cases. But, way more men are socialized to believe that the validity of their identity is founded on their perception of how much they “win” in life. Evidence for “winning” is measured by how much men have control over a situation, regardless of who else is in it, male or female. You will see men exert exactly the same amount of need for control when playing sports or at work or wherever else as they do when hitting on women.

It’s easier on one’s fragile ego to walk away from a game where you had a technical forfeit because the rules disqualify you than it is to open yourself up to the self reflection that comes with a genuine loss. The depths that men go to preserve this extends to every petty aspect of life.

I play ball hockey with a bunch of guys, just casual pick games. After every game, generally speaking, the guys on the winning team think it was because they played well, and the guys on the losing team thinks it because the teams weren’t picked fairly, their goalie wasn’t playing as well as the winning goalie, the game ball wasn’t the right one… every win is mine, every loss is circumstantial.

If a woman just says “no,” the question that leaps to a man’s mind is, “why?” As in, “Why not me, are you saying there’s something wrong with me? Have you really understood what’s on offer here? How am I supposed to convey to you how great I’d be for you in the mere minutes you’ve given me to interact? That’s not fair. Clearly, you need to hear more to understand what you’d be missing out on.” And so on. It’s like he’s three points behind in the game and has to play harder to get the win.

When a woman says she has a boyfriend, true or not, a man can retroactively rewrite the emotional history of the situation so that he can console himself that he wasn’t ever really in the game. No game, no loss. He can believe he’s great, he’s fine, everything about him is awesome, she’s just not available, so what can you do?

Which is not to say that the concept of a “bro code” doesn’t exist at all. It’s just that it’s not a code, it’s a convenience. She turned me down, because, you know, not because of anything about me, it’s just that she has a boyfriend, so, it would break the bro code for me to keep hitting on her. In fact, on top of me being such a great guy that she’s missing out on, aren’t I so honorable for respecting the bro code? And none of this bravado is masking any insecurities. It’s all bro code. Nothing else. Stop asking me how I feel about rejection.

If you’re a woman and you want to see some evidence of this, it’s pretty simple to test out. Next time you’re in a situation where you might tell a man you have a boyfriend, tell him you’re a lesbian. Tell him you only date men from a particular faith. One guy I spoke to about this issue told me that, in Japan, some women he approached told him they only date Japanese men. Since he isn’t Japanese, that was the end of it.

What these, and any other conditions like them, have in common with telling a man you have a boyfriend, is that none of them are about him. They’re face saving. They set out criteria that allow for himself to not have think of you as rejecting who he is as a person, allowing the crystal bubble of his ego to remain intact. As such, they are all equally effective. Which is to say some men might still try to push through, but those are the same men who won’t let mention of a boyfriend stop them either.

Of course, a woman should be able to say “no” without any excuse or qualification. I’m with you in hoping we all get there.