One Size Fits All

I never thought I’d wear a prison jumpsuit. But on June 4, 2003, I was suddenly in the market for one.

I was in the Denver airport waiting for my flight to Los Angeles when my agent, Andrew, called. “I’m out of your demos. I need one ASAP.”

“Sure, I’ll drop some off first thing tomorrow. By the way, what’s it for?”

Andrew was apoplectic, “Martha Stewart just got indicted and The Tonight Show is looking for someone to play her — TOMORROW!”

Oh. My. God.

The Diva of Domesticity

After a decade of impersonating Martha, I was convinced this gig was my ticket to national television.

But, I was in Colorado and my demo reels were in my apartment in LA.

In the next panicked phone call from Andrew, I discovered the producers were about to fly a look-alike in from Texas.

My shriek of, “Nooooo!! DO NOT LET HER TAKE AWAY MY DREAM!” sent TSA running toward me, but I convinced them I was an actor practicing lines for an audition.

Since my landlord was MIA I told Andrew to break into my apartment. Comedy is serious business.

On the plane, I began hyperventilating into a barf bag. “I will get this. I will get this. Please let me get this.”

The second I heard the ding of the seatbelt-off sign I raced to the back of the plane where the flight attendants were reading People magazine and sorting recycling from the trash.

“Hi, ladies. Look, I have to get to LA like — like yesterday. Why is this flight taking so long? Tell the pilot to hurry up!”

They nervously stared at me assessing if a “passenger incident” was brewing.

“I can assure you, Miss,” said the overly perky Yvonne, “the pilot is flying as fast as he can! We should be right on time. Maybe even early. How great is that?”

“Not ‘great’ enough, Yvonne. Kindly tell ‘Captain American’ to quit scouting for clouds that look like unicorns and put his pedal to the metal — channel ‘Top Gun,’ — whatever it takes — to get us there NOW. I have to be Martha Stewart on The Tonight Show tomorrow! Me. Me. Me!”

Yvonne reached for some duct tape.

I took a breath. “Okay. Just tell me how much of this high-altitude nightmare is left?”

The other attendant, Sunny, stopped recycling and put her hand gently on my arm, “Oh, gosh. We’ve only been in the air for about10 minutes so we’ve got a little over 2 hours to go. Hey! How about a soda? I’ll give you a full can!”

I could feel myself Hulking into “Martha” — the real one, who is known to give her employees PTSD — Post-Traumatic-Stewart-Disorder.

With shoulders back, nostrils flared and dagger eyes I stared Yvonne and Sunny down. “Don’t you KNOW WHO I AM?”

That’s when an unsuspecting little old lady arrived to use the restrooms we were blocking.

“Martha” turned to her, “Hello, darling. What’s your name? Make it snappy.”

“It’s Loretta, uh, dear. I need to use the…”

“Don’t speak!” ‘Martha’ said, putting an index finger up to Loretta’s wrinkled pout.

“Loretta, darling, these germ-infested, airborne Port-a-Poopers are currently not available. Plus, at your age, you shouldn’t risk contracting some horrifying disease just because you can’t hold your water. So turn around and toddle up to the front of the plane. There are equally vile Pee-tri dishes up there. I’m sure you’ll find a seat.”

Loretta toddled off.

When I turned back to the sunshine sisters they handed me some pretzels and a full can of Diet Coke. Accepting defeat, I turned back into Marianne, took my snacks, and toddled off.

When we landed I had six messages from Andrew that all said, “Are you back yet? Call me!”

When I did it was not good news…it was a miracle.

While I was flying, a Tonight Show producer who’d reviewed my demo over a month ago now saw my overdue thank you postcard, with a picture of me as “Martha,” on his desk.

“Martha” in prison on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”

That postcard, thanks to my procrastination, got me my dream gig of playing “Martha Stewart” on national television that next day — and for the next six years.

Martha, I am so sorry you went to prison, but for me, it truly was a “Good Thing.”

Oh! I just realized I still haven’t sent her a thank you card.

• *See more “The Tonight Show” videos of me as “Martha Stewart,” “Hillary Clinton” and “Sarah Palin” at: http://www.mariannecuran.com/audio-video.html