Recently, I listened in on a conversation between a friend and his brother. My friend’s brother was ranting about women, his dating life, and how hard it was for him to find a girlfriend. It was a painful conversation to listen to.

He blamed all the women he’d been with for the ever-failing cycles of his dating life. Rather than assuming a simple lack of compatibility, he leaped to an ugly, bitter rant on why he’s a victim of women. What’s worse, he’s not the first or only person I’d heard with these sentiments.

Online I see tweets and Tik Toks circulating about the issues men have with women, and why they (the men) remain single. The discussion happens both ways. While people’s issues with dating are valid, and some qualms are very real and justified, it’s time to list the more ridiculous things men tend to say about why they can’t get dates — and point out why these statements probably mean they’re not anyone’s knight in shining armor.

“I’m too much of a nice guy”

A self-proclaimed nice guy is an immediate red flag. Sometimes, they really are. But most women have noticed a pattern when it comes to “nice” guys. They're never that nice. In an interesting and ironic turn of events, “nice guys” are sometimes worse than people who know they’re not that nice. There’s a sneakiness and entitlement that sometimes comes with their smug self-definition as “nice guys”.

The reason nice guys raise a red flag is that they're conditionally nice. Or rather, transactionally nice. They’re nice to get what they want. Usually, when a “nice” guy finds out you’re not interested their tune can change quite quickly. A man who was once a charming person to be around can quickly become a, “But I did XYZ for you…” type of person.

For a man to state that he’s unable to find dates because he’s “too much of a nice guy” generally means that he is irritated that his efforts to be nice didn’t achieve his desired result. Which points to him perhaps not being that much of a nice guy.

“I’m too much of a nerd”

I found out that people thought this was an issue on Twitter. Recently, many people have been posting about struggling to date because they’re into anime, or a self-proclaimed “nerd”. Many of these tweets and Tik Toks lean heavily on stereotypes to determine what women want in a man. I wonder if any of these people have ever actually spoken to a woman, or rather they’re just basing their assumptions on popular trends in memes and advertising.

Popular trends say Black women only want “hood” men, Asian women only want a certain level of nerdy (computer programmers, perhaps), White women want a “preppy” type of man and Spanish/Latin women would only want a “drug dealer” or “bad boy”.

Obviously, these are so vastly simplified and based on nothing but an inability to blame yourself for your problems. Its only purpose is finding a way of making your shortcoming an issue for everyone else, and not yourself. I assure you if no one around you wants to date you, it’s not because you watch anime. That’s definitely not the reason. Maybe it’s because you heavily judge and stereotype every woman around you? Maybe your personality is hard to be around? Maybe you just smell?

“I’m broke”

This one is a double-edged sword. Some women do want to date someone who’s financially well off. Which is fine, so long as they’re honest about it. If you’re out of someone’s financial league, simply keep it moving. Some women want to raise families and be stay-at-home moms, so naturally, they’d need someone financially able to support that life.

Many times this has a lot less to do with the money in the bank and more to do with security and ambition. Being broke is a relatable and fair position to be in, particularly for young men. Many women, especially in their 20s are also broke. It’s not like this pandemic and economy has left a lot to be desired in people’s financial situations. But there is an added pressure on men to earn more. A pressure imposed on men by other men within patriarchy, but that’s an essay I’ve already written.

That being said, I think this issue can be circumvented by a clear ambition, plan and obvious show of work ethic. Stability and ambition speak volumes, even if you’re not rich yet.

“I’m unattractive”

Attractiveness is created and malleable. While many of us believe you’re either born hot or not, that’s simply not the case. We’ve praised people for their “Glow-ups” ever since the term became popularized around five years ago.

As the term suggests, attractiveness is really about aesthetic choices. It’s a lot more about how you carry yourself than it is about how you were born. Not to say that naturally attractive people don’t exist, but they’re not the majority. Most of us are just creating the illusion of attractiveness, and you can too.

“I do too much for women and it doesn’t pay off”

If your sole aim is being “date-able”, you’re doing it wrong. Work on yourself just for yourself. If you lose or gain 30 pounds, get an amazing haircut, and change your entire style for imaginary women who still may not like you, you’ll grow resentful of the effort you’re putting in. As anyone would.

Focus on being a better you and doing the things you want to do, just because you want to do them. Focus on nurturing the other relationships you have in your life. Women may not like you right now, but does anyone? How do your parents, siblings, friends, or coworkers feel about you? Work on being a better son, friend, coworker and sibling while you’re becoming your best self. Many times if one group doesn’t like you, it could very well mean you’re presently just… unlikeable. To everyone.

Obviously, this isn’t a “one size fits all” game. Some of these statements could apply to you, many of them won’t. Everyone, men and women alike could do with some introspection when it comes to dating people. Very often, the problem is ourselves, and when we stop applying stereotypes we can turn things around.