After battling low self-esteem for most of my life, I tried many strategies to improve my confidence in the hopes that it would miraculously help me become more bold, courageous, and assertive.

Yet my best results came not from adding habits, but from eliminating the things I did that held me back, hurt my self-esteem, and made me feel self-conscious.

If you want to feel more confident and feel the empowerment that comes with it, cut back on these 7 things. Once you avoid them, it can tremendously improve your self-confidence—no matter your past or how you feel about yourself right now.

1. Social Media

Let me be clear: I believe it’s fine to have social media. But I don’t let social media use me — I use it.

For many, however, social media is the background music of their lives: It’s always on. They wake up, check it, take a break, check it, share every detail of their life, check it, and compare their digital lives to others.

But this behavior will shatter your confidence—you’ll always compare yourself to others and feel inadequate. That’s why research shows the more time you spend on social media, the worse your self-esteem and depression.

After I cut back, however, I instantly felt better because I could focus on my life and what I wanted. I no longer fell into the trap of living up to people’s (often overexaggerated) successes—called “upward social comparison”—which is “detrimental to perceptions about the self and self-esteem.”

Stop letting social media use you. Stop using every free moment in your day to scroll through your feed. Unfollow people who spread negativity or conflict. Eliminate the urge to see how many likes your posts get. Trust me, once you do, you’ll never go back.

2. Accepting My Situation

When I was younger, I didn’t like my life — I didn’t like my circumstances, health, possibilities, etc. But instead of accepting my situation and saying, “I can’t change who I am” or “People should like me for who I am,” I decided to improve myself.

I started reading and learning. I started lifting weights and changing my body. I started making friends with people who had great traits and outlooks on life. And by working to reinvent myself, I gained a ton of confidence.

It proved to me that I had the ability, power, and free will to build my own life—and that even if I didn’t have the traits, skills, or things I wanted yet, I could gain them eventually. (Having this kind of “growth mindset” boosts your confidence.)

Everyone’s personality changes, sometimes dramatically. Yet few people I’ve met are intentional about changing their life how they want. Ultimately, this isn’t about changing for other people; it’s about changing for yourself. Who do you want to be? What do you want out of life?

When you know you’re walking a path you carved for yourself, it will skyrocket your confidence like nothing else.

3. Avoiding Being Alone

Many people are terrified of being alone—they feel sad and upset to be seen by themselves in public, be single, or not be with their friends.

But it’s impossible to feel truly confident with this fear. Because anytime you’re alone, you’ll feel self-conscious, embarrassed, and uncomfortable.

To let go of this fear, I did more things alone—traveling, eating at restaurants, going to events, etc. And once I could feel relaxed going solo, it boosted my confidence and how composed I felt around other people.

I could enjoy them in a detached, non-needy way, which gave me more confidence and self-assurance. Now, my joy and self-esteem came from inside—not outside—which meant I could still be content if I didn’t have people around me (or if everyone left).

“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.”

— Wayne Dyer

This also helped me to care less about what others thought of me. It even made me realize that what I thought they were thinking about me was actually my imagination. (In reality, no one cares you’re alone; they’re too focused and worried about themselves.)

4. Too Much Self-Deprecation

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous — everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Unless you’re the great Rodney Dangerfield (rest in peace), too much self-deprecation can hurt your confidence and how other people perceive you.

For example, using it to deflect compliments (ex. replying with, “I got lucky, it was nothing, I made a lot of mistakes, etc.”) blocks you from receiving positive energy and perpetuates a belief that you aren’t good enough.

Also, while occasional self-deprecating humor has its benefits, too many jokes at your own expense can hurt you:

“If you are continually speaking about yourself in a manner that puts yourself down, over time those comments and beliefs become a part of how you view yourself and impact your self-esteem. I think of it as slowly chipping away at the foundation of your sense of self over time.”

— Jill E. Daino, LCSW

Start accepting compliments politely and stop knocking yourself so often. Also, when you receive praise, don’t deflect or immediately reciprocate; simply accept the positivity and thank them.

5. Holding Onto My Identity

As odd as it sounds, one of the hardest parts about being more confident is you have to let go of the previous identity you’ve built and held for so long.

For example, everyone knew me for thinking, looking, and acting a certain way. Yet being surrounded by those reminders kept me stuck to that identity; and even though I wanted to change, a part of me felt locked to my past.

The truth is what people know you for — good or bad — could be your chain. And if you want to shed those labels to be different (and more confident), you might have to go through the pain of leaving the friends, life, and identity you’ve known.

Yet that’s the sacrifice you have to make to get to where you want to go; otherwise, you won’t be able to overcome your current environment.

6. Thinking Everyone Was Better Than Me

One sign of low self-esteem — one that I’m familiar with — is believing everyone else is better than you at everything: You believe they have more experience and skills than you in every topic or area of life.

As you would imagine, this kills your confidence. You’ll feel inferior, worry about being judged, and avoid situations that might expose your weaknesses.

Yet the truth is everyone struggles with lots of things — but it’s not a sign of inadequacy or lack of worth. And frankly, just because some has more money, better looks, etc. doesn’t mean they’re more worthy than you.

People with [low self-esteem] tend to discount their own strengths and achievements… To begin the process of developing self-respect, it is important to become aware of the skills and abilities we now possess. It is helpful to be cognizant of our past achievements.”

— Marilyn Sorensen, Ph.D.

One thing that helped me was to learn to appreciate myself (especially after an overcritical upbringing). For this, make a list of your skills, achievements, traits, and more. This might be hard for you (which might contribute to lower confidence) so take your time or ask some trusted friends. From there, review your list regularly to train your mind to focus on your strengths, not weaknesses.

7. Failing By Default

Confidence doesn’t create your behavior; your behavior creates confidence. It’s not something you gain before you act; it’s something you gain after you act. Bottom line: It comes from what you do right now, regardless of the past.

“Your confidence keeps the score. It’s either growing or disappearing. At the razor’s edge, you come to realize that every choicematters… you have to own that everything you do is impacting your confidence and thus, your identity. Every little choice you engage in shapes who you are. Who you areshapes your future. Every choice, then, has an enormous cost.”

—Benjamin Hardy, Ph.D.

So how do you start acting confidently even if you think you are unconfident? Well, if you only take away one lesson from this entire article, let it be this:

Regret is always worse than failure.

It’s not the things you do, but the things you don’t do that you’ll regret most in life. If you try and fail, at least you made an effort and found the answer rather than never knowing. But if you don’t try, you’ll fail in the worst way: You’ll fail by default, not because someone actually said “no.”

When I stopped failing by default and forced myself to try, I always felt better regardless of the outcome. And ultimately, that’s what creates confidence: Going after what you want, consequences be damned.

You’ll never know who will say “yes” so start taking those risks and being bold, and before you know it, your confidence will soar.

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