‘Circling Back’ to Yourself Is a Powerful Form of Self-Care

Illustrations by Kaki Okumura

It just happens sometimes. I’ll be scrolling through Instagram and see that someone went on a luxurious vacation to a country I’ve never heard of, or see on LinkedIn that an old classmate got a great job promotion at a fancy tech firm. Sometimes it’s not even someone I know, but it’s an article titled “How this 22-year-old made millions in revenue in just 6 months” or “These 2 teens are changing the world with their innovative app idea”. I don’t even need to read the full print, I’ll just suddenly feel a bit inadequate, a bit ashamed.

What am I doing with my life?

We’re all heard the old adage — comparison is the thief of joy — but just because we know it’s true doesn’t mean that we are impervious to it. Humans are naturally wired to compare and compete, and we often do it against the people who we determine to be in better standing than us, whether this be physically, financially, or socially.

Some might say this helps motivate them to do better and to be better, but if you are not comparing yourself to the right measures, you end up preoccupying yourself with measures that will never matter.

In my life, I have given a f- about many people and many things. I have also not given a f- about many people and many things. And those f-s I have not given have made all the difference. -Mark Manson

So if you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else that you know you have no reason to measure yourself up against — whether it be a high school classmate, an old co-worker, or some stranger on the internet — I like to engage in something I like to refer to as distancing myself from myself.

What is distancing yourself from yourself?

It might seem odd that when you are trying to be more mindful of your own thoughts, that the precise thing to do is try to get as far away from them as possible. But we can be terrible at assessing our own reality, and we are often much harsher at judging ourselves than we would be our peers, often referred to as negative self-talk.

That’s why distancing yourself from yourself is a great way to stop yourself from going down too deep into the negative self-talk path. But it’s also most helpful when you take the time to make full circle back to yourself.

Here’s how it works:

Put yourself in the mindset of a trusted family member or friend — what would they think if you shared your negative self-talk with them?
Then, put yourself in the shoes of someone who you feel very neutral about. Perhaps an old classmate who you never think about, or a person who works in your building that you often see but never talk to — what would they think if you shared your negative self-talk with them?
Finally, make a full circle back to yourself. What do you think of yourself, revisiting your negative self-talk?

And then repeat this process a few times, until you realize that the initial self-talk you were experiencing wasn’t as meaningful as you thought it was. Whatever failure, shortcoming, or flaw that you felt probably feels a bit lighter now.

Why it’s my favorite self-care practice

This exercise is helpful because when we put ourselves in the position of someone who cares about us deeply, we understand that we are not judged on our shortcomings. No one cares about you because you’re rich, attractive, or smart, but they care about you for your kindness, your character, your honesty.

And when we put ourselves in the position of someone who feels very neutral about us, we gain perspective on our own role in the grand scheme of other people’s lives. People aren’t paying attention to us as much as we think they are, which grants us the freedom to make a few mistakes here and there. It’s just part of the human experience.

Lastly, when we circle back to ourselves, we are training ourselves to look past the opinions of others and build the self-confidence to judge ourselves with both high standards and self-compassion. For while talking to yourself like you would a best friend is helpful, building the preventative strength to accurately assess your feelings of inadequacy from your own perspective, this is where long-lasting freedom and peace comes from.