Since it was posted to Facebook on July 11th, this youth pastor’s post has been shared over 80,000 times with 30,000 comments and counting. Every time I refresh the post, more comments fill the page. It is clear that I am watching a post at the ground level go viral. I can definitely see why his post struck a nerve for so many people on both sides of the argument.

I was curious when I saw the above image he shared with the post: a black bikini with a red strikethrough symbol. I’ve got friends of all walks of life on social media and some are from my days attending a Christian-affiliated college, so seeing something like that could go either way. I am usually right to be a little suspicious.

When I saw it was a pastor who shared the image, I assumed it would be one of those posts glorifying purity culture or even a cringey “modest is hottest” type of message. (Which, let me say: ew.)

And I was wrong, sort of. It was a post about modesty. But it wasn’t an endorsement of purity culture at all. It was an apology, five apologies actually.

Youth Pastor Bryce Brewer apologized for the “ridiculous ultimatum” he gave to female students.

His Facebook apology speaks to those of us harmed by purity culture and its gross double standards, its sexist and oppressive dress codes, and leaders that have blindly evangelized them. Outside of Joshua Harris, who publicly apologized for the harm caused by his purity culture manifesto, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” I truly have never seen a religious leader apologize so openly for their role in perpetuating this toxic ideology.

And yet, here is a youth pastor in Washington taking to social media to apologize for the harsh (yet all too common) dress code he inflicted on girls attending his summer camp: one-piece swimsuits only.

His five apologies were not what I expected to hear from a pastor.

Apology #1: “I am sorry that I didn’t teach boys to control themselves.”

While pastors and religious leaders are typically more concerned about consensual sex before marriage than sexual violence, the idea that girls are responsible for the behavior of boys has dangerous consequences far beyond pre-marital sex.

In my work with survivors of sexual violence, I’ve seen firsthand how purity culture ideas like these increase their suffering. I’ve seen how they sometimes feel like they “deserved it” because they’ve been conditioned to feel responsible for managing the urges or appetites of men. It starts with a forced one-piece swimsuit but it sets in motion a lifetime of dimming our shine to keep us safe or “pure.” We’re taught that if we police our own bodies it will keep the boys undistracted and peaceful.

It seems like it works… until it doesn’t. But as I tell survivors and I’ll tell you here, you are not responsible for the behavior or misbehavior of others. A one-piece swimsuit will not save you from a predator. Period.

Apology #2: “I am sorry I laid the weight of purity on a girls swimsuit while she was swimming, and not on the boys [sic] responsibility to not be gross.”

This apology was really another way of saying his first apology. Still, I appreciate the continued focus on teaching the boys in our life that they have a responsibility to control their behavior. The ‘boys will be boys’ mentality robs them of agency as small humans and permits gross behavior today that could become dangerous behavior later in life.

How about instead we let ‘girls be girls’? Let them enjoy whatever swimsuit is best for swimming or jumping or playing. Let them pick the cute suit that makes them feel alive. I’m done with teaching girls to mute themselves for the sake of others.

Apology #3: “I am sorry to all the girls that frantically searched for an appropriate one-piece so that some male youth pastor could deem them appropriate. “

This one really struck a chord with me. After this apology, Pastor Brewer told a short personal story. He mentioned his own personal pain shopping with his fiancé’s daughter to find an appropriate virginity-guarding one-piece swimsuit. He talked about how it “was hard and sucked.” I remember vividly shopping trips like that growing up. They were hard and they did suck.

I remember when I first discovered that my body was a problem. Like he was shopping with his soon-to-be stepdaughter, my mom shopped with me for the middle school dance. I saw the prettiest, sparkliest dress. (I’m never one to turn down glitter, has been true since I came out of the womb.) It was the kind of dress that you’d run your fingers down while it’s still on the hanger. The kind of dress that was perfect for a slow dance, that felt like a fairytale.

And then I saw them, feeling defeated. My eyes traveled up the dress and landed on my middle school nemesis: Spaghetti straps.

No spaghetti straps because my 13-year-old girl shoulders were too salacious. We moved on — Nope. Strapless dress. No strapless dress because again, shoulders are the epitome of sexual deviancy. Another dress — Nope. Too short. Nothing above the knee because my skinny, pale thighs would surely encourage scandal. The whole experience was frustrating and demoralizing. It was the first time I remember being taught that my body was bad and it needed to be hidden for the safety of everyone else.

My experience also shows how pervasive this thinking is — this was shopping for a public middle school dance. (So much for separation of church and state.) It was clear that I already had a moral imperative to hide my body.

Thankfully, it sounds like Pastor Brewer finally gets it. It’s a shame though that he could only see it through the harm caused to a daughter figure in his life. I can only imagine how many people’s daughters were harmed by his policies before someone he cared about had that personal experience. Privilege is only caring about something when it impacts you personally. It looks like having the opportunity to learn about something rather than experiencing it yourself.

Apology #4: “I am sorry that we have deemed a young women’s body as something that ‘needs to be covered’ and let young men’s bodies be ok to be seen.”

Ah yes, that old chestnut. I’ll ask again: why are girl’s shoulders so much more offensive than boy’s shoulders? Purity culture teaches girls that their bodies are bad while it teaches boys that their bodies are at least neutral.

Everyone’s growing body is unique. Some girls will develop earlier, some later. I’ll never forget when a teacher had me measure my shorts with a ruler in front of the class. She said I was distracting the class (read: boys in class) with my favorite comfy jean shorts.

I’ve always had long legs in proportion to the rest of my body. I felt like an awkward baby giraffe in my youth and the farthest thing from a sexual being. And yet, my shorts were treated like an affront to human decency. Somehow, I deserved to be publicly embarrassed just because my legs were longer than my peers, including another girl in my class wearing the same. exact. shorts.

This can go even further than my experience of humiliation. In some cases of dress code enforcement in the US, girls must wear brightly colored shirts with words like, “Dress Code Violator.” Sounds a little like a Scarlet A, to me. Didn’t we read about the dangers of that in school?

Apology #5: “I am sorry I ever let this be an item of discussion, usually lead [sic] by men, at any youth leader meeting.”

I cringe at this final apology while imagining this scene. I’ve sat at tables where male leaders discussed the fate of women and girls just like this. It is as dehumanizing as it sounds.

In educational environments, the majority of leaders are men. Even though the percentage of women superintendents nearly doubled during the 1990s — from 6.6 percent to 13.2 percent — 87 percent of superintendents are men. Men also make up 67.3% of high school principals and 60% of middle school principals. So when young girls reach that critical developmental period, these decisions are largely made and enforced by adult men.

Religious institutions are even worse. According to the Hartford Institute for Religious Research, roughly 10 percent of congregations have a woman in senior or solo leadership. That means that 90% of congregations in the United States are having these dehumanizing conversations led by men. Who teaches religious teachings and who is held in high esteem makes a difference. It is easier to objectify women when your institution simply doesn’t value them.

It is never okay to police women’s and girls’ bodies but it is even less okay for men in leadership to make and enforce these decisions.

The three types of strong reactions in the comments show why it’s going viral.

This is hardly anything new on a viral social media post, but these comments show both the scope of this problem and the resistance (especially from Christians) to fix it.

Most people seem to agree with his post and shared how meaningful it was to see this apology.

From what I can tell, the most common reaction in the comment section is one of relief and recognition. I see people from all walks of life sharing their own experiences. I honestly got a little emotional reading all the stories that mirror my own experiences in my formative years that I’ve shared here.

Another commenter wrote something along the same vein of what I’m proposing to you here: “Let’s stop teaching women it’s their responsibility to protect themselves from men and instead teach men they are not entitled to a woman’s body.” Other comments ask that we “stop sexualizing what children wear to the pool.” That seems like a good start to me.

The second most common reaction was to lean heavily into a bizarre blend of scripture and slut-shaming.

For a post about literal children at summer camp, it was pretty appalling the number of times that the word “slut” was mentioned in the comments. There were several people who appeared to be parents talking about the “temptation” and attention-seeking behavior of preteen girls. These comments veered dangerously into “asking for it” territory and I shudder to think about survivors of all ages who have to encounter these people.

Interestingly, these same comments were often “supported” by mentions of scripture or were made by people claiming to be Christians. They felt strongly that modesty (for women, men/boys were conspicuously not mentioned) was deeply important and one-piece swimsuits were a must for maintaining modesty.

These types of commenters often mentioned that his apology was “anti-male.” They seem to take issue with the way the apologies center the responsibility on boys to “not be gross.” I personally think it is the bare minimum of decency to ask boys learn how to “not be gross.”

However, I can also understand that a reframe like this after a lifetime of learning to police women’s bodies from childhood is difficult. No one wants to think their son or the boy they know could be the problem. Truthfully, some boys aren’t gross at all. But all girls have experienced gross or dangerous behavior at the hands or words of at least one. That is why these apologies matter.

And then… there are the people who totally missed the point.

I rolled my eyes at the commenters who just missed it entirely. They flew into the comments with suggestions for finding modest swimsuits like “shop in the boy’s section” and “let’s just make it about skin cancer prevention and have everyone wear shirts — no body shaming.” First off, shopping in the section that doesn’t align with your gender identity does not help solve the issue of how purity culture mutes girlhood. It still places the responsibility on girls to take extra steps to cover their bodies in a way that boys are not being asked to cover up. And to the person who suggested everyone wear a shirt? It is so uncomfortable to wear a shirt while swimming. This suggestion is frankly ridiculous and dismissive of the larger issue of controlling girls’ and women’s bodies.

Regardless of where you stand on his post, it’s clear he got some people thinking and interacting. I can only hope that something good will come from this.

Final word: Is an apology (or five) enough?

So while his apology is pretty heteronormative and imperfect, I appreciated reading it. But I also ask: is this apology enough? At what point will the purity manifesto writers and modesty code enforcers take action beyond talking about it? Will these same leaders allow women to lead in their churches, homes, and schools? Will these same leaders support the choices of girls and women, regardless of whether or not they’d make the same choices for themselves?

And most importantly, I’d like to know what he’ll do to make things better for his future stepdaughter and youth everywhere. I’d like to know how he’ll use his privilege to dismantle the patriarchal system baked into his faith beyond a Facebook post.