REALIZING YOU NO LONGER LOVE YOUR CHILD | by Mandy McElroy | Medium

REALIZING YOU NO LONGER LOVE YOUR CHILD

But You Don't Care

This didn’t feel like a revelation to me. In fact, I felt nothing at all. Just shrugged my shoulders and continued cleaning up the kitchen.

How could you not love your child? A year ago I would have thought this was impossible. The mere thought would have been incomprehensible…but that was before.

Before I told my husband of 38 years I wanted to leave our home. I was so unhappy, one night I just said I wanted to leave. There’s always a breaking point. He was so disinterested in me and tuned out to anything I may have considered important or problematic, he was stunned and clueless.

Probably because when I mentioned it he wasn’t listening to me. With a few rare exceptions, most things that bothered or affected me were irrelevant to him. He never noticed because I didn't matter. You see, if you matter to people they pay attention to you. They listen to you. They literally feel that you are upset or unhappy. If you don’t they continue their disinterest and abusive behavior. Because you don’t matter.

I found an apartment a few weeks later and moved out of my home. Interestingly, when I refer to it now I never use the word home. I say our house or the house we had where my husband still lives. As I continue making trips back, packing up the china cabinet it doesn’t feel like it ever was my home. It is a dwelling where my husband continues to reside.

My younger daughter was ecstatic when I told her I was leaving. Although she was sad to see us headed toward divorce, she married much later in life than her older sister had and had spent far more time at home with us. She knew exactly what my life was like. My older daughter on the other hand blew up at me, putting me through an inquisition. I should never have even answered her questions. It was none of her business. I didn’t tell her how abusive her father had been to me, instead, I said something not as harsh. That I had been unhappy for many years for numerous reasons. I felt like a defendant in a murder trial.

Nothing I said made any difference. I could literally feel her seething anger through the phone. I hoped in time she would come to accept that our situation had changed. She had two precious little girls, my granddaughters. I had helped care for them since they were infants. After working very difficult, manual labor jobs since I was 17, I had succeeded in getting my daughters where I wanted them to be. They have many degrees and are professionally established. That was all I wanted. Better situations than I had had. Not blowing their opportunities as I did. I achieved my goal.

My precious granddaughters were my reward. My older daughter’s husband had never been my favorite person. Incredibly brilliant, probably a genius, his arrogance was very off-putting. Not one member of my family liked him. Even my husband called him Mr. Spock.

Several weeks after I moved into my apartment my son in law called me. He was calling to inform me he and my daughter had decided I could never see or speak to my granddaughters again. I had no words. I was trying to breathe. I thought I would die.

My younger daughter, my older sister, my husband all pleaded with her not to do such an unspeakably cruel thing to me. Having no idea what had brought this on I spoke to my daughter, told her I would go to counseling with her, anything if it would help. I held onto hope for a couple of months. It became more and more clear they had made their decision.

I struggled for months crying my eyes out daily. Thank God for my family. Everything had just closed due to COVID. My church was closed, still is. I relied on my clergy and friends from church but was not allowed to see them. The governor had closed the entire state.

But that was almost 10 months ago. I gave up hope after my family and I reached out to my daughter begging her to reconsider and seek counseling. She was deaf to our pleas.

As time passed the unimaginable hurt I felt began to change to anger. I blame my son-in-law for turning my daughter into a Stepford wife. I knew he didn’t like me, but I didn’t realize he hated me. It wouldn't do any good if my daughter changed her mind, which I don’t ever expect to occur. I could never trust her again and as much as I loved my granddaughters I would keep them at arm’s length.

Do you know how sometimes you just know your limits? I couldn’t survive this again. I would have to keep a great distance between us. They may be the only grandchildren I ever have, and they loved me. I have memories and hundreds of pictures. I remember how they felt when they climbed into my lap to read stories. They truly were the joy of my life. I am grateful for the time I had them.

But that night when I was cleaning up the kitchen recently and my thoughts wandered to my daughter, I realized I no longer love her. I don’t like her. I try very hard not to hate her. Mostly I feel nothing. I have no desire to ever see her again.