“It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.” Such are the words of Sir Edmund Hillary, one of the first explorers to reach the peak of Mount Everest.

Self-love is one of the most challenging traits to learn. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of time. And if you’re starting from square one- common for those struggling with depression- it can seem like an endless task, especially when you’re used to habits that perpetuate your negative self-worth. You can’t love yourself if you’re not comfortable with yourself. You can’t be comfortable with yourself if you constantly put yourself down, and so on.

If you have very low self-confidence like I did, loving yourself might not be the first step. You may have to start with tolerating yourself and gradually move to liking yourself. Many articles about self-worth skip this step. They gloss over the reality of the fact that many people aren’t satisfied with themselves. It’s simple- you can’t love yourself if you hate yourself. It seems obvious, but you have to acknowledge the root of the problem before you can solve it. If you don’t like yourself, you have to fix that before you can love yourself.

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But aggressive positivity can have the opposite of the intended effect on some people and send them even further into their self-hatred. This is a concept known as “toxic positivity.” Think of it this way- those who have low self-worth are not likely to be able to radically change their worldview in an afternoon. If they watch everyone else succeed at staying positive and cannot keep up, it is likely to harm their self-image.

I’ve struggled with low confidence my entire life. I am a hardcore people pleaser, and I bend over backward to make people happy (and avoid conflict). It was less about genuinely wanting to help and more about some subconscious desire to be liked by everyone, which isn’t a realistic goal.

I constantly make myself smaller and smaller to avoid bothering other people. It could be because of my mental illness; it could be because of shitty “friends” I had growing up constantly putting me down. I don’t really know the cause, but I do know that it’s not a way to live your life.

I also know this: I am a pretty awesome person, actually. Most people I care about have nice things to say about me. I’m a loyal friend, a hard worker, and I’m genuinely a good person. It’s taken me my whole life to be able to say kind things about myself, and I’m just barely getting there now at 21 years old.

So why do I feel the need to backpedal every time I pay myself a compliment? I’m not sure. Honestly, it’s probably from a lifetime of casually putting myself down and trying to make my personality palatable for other people. I’m a loud person, and I have strong opinions and unique interests. This led to me being called annoying a lot as a kid (middle school is the worst for that), and I slowly watered myself down to avoid the shame.

Clearly, the answer should’ve been to cut those people out of my life, but as a 12-year-old, that wasn’t clear to me. All that mattered was keeping friends, no matter how fake they were. I was a punching bag in nearly all my friend groups, and I rolled with it to make myself seem easygoing and funny. Turns out they were all laughing at me instead of with me. My oblivious nature was just more comedic material to them.

Even after I graduated, I found out my best friend during high school had kept me around to make themself look better. I knew I wasn’t conventionally pretty. I knew I wasn’t skinny. But it still hurt when I found out years later that my so-called “best friend” considered me their “ugly fat sidekick.” Ouch.

As an adult, I’ve surrounded myself with better people (including some other friends from high school that I really should’ve spent more time with). I have a loving partner and great friends. Hell, even my superiors at work sing my praises. So why can I still not stand up for myself?

I don’t think there’s a clear answer to solving the problem of low self-worth. If there were, whoever found it would be one rich motherfucker. There’s no one definitive solution that will work for everyone. Life isn’t that easy, unfortunately.

I do know that I have come a long way. I do know that it’s not impossible. I don’t know what works for everyone. I don’t even know 100% what works for me, as I’m still on my own journey. But there is one thing I would like you to take away from this article.

Self-love is a journey. At some points, it may even seem like an uphill battle. Right before you reach the top, you stumble and roll back down to the bottom of the hill. It’s not going to happen overnight. In the meantime, treat yourself with kindness. Be gentle with yourself. Grant yourself the same grace you would give to a close friend or family member. If you wouldn’t say it about a small child, don’t say it about yourself.

By the way, that cliche saying about how “you can’t truly love anyone until you love yourself”? That’s bullshit. Honestly. You deserve love, even if you can’t give it to yourself. The right people will stay by your side and help you in your darkest hour.

Don’t worry. Light will come.

We’re in this together.

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