Wise Women

Boobs. When you’re young, you flaunt’m. When you get older, you push’m up.

On my walks along the lake, I always see college-aged girls wearing tiny tops and mom jeans. It’s a cute look. The appearance of so much flesh is jarring at first, but then it reminds me of when I wore two bandanas tied together as a shirt to my college classes. Whoa girl. Youth is bold.

I purchased the tied-together bandana shirts for five bucks each, from a store located on the first floor of my apartment building. A woman named Sue owned the store. She was pretty badass. Sue was a Hell's Angel type who’d had her boobs removed in protest to having boobs in the first place.

Sue made her money modeling when she was young. You could see the echo of her gorgeousness in her violet eyes, her long shapely legs, her thick black hair. Every day, she wore black, paper-thin, band t-shirts tight, so there was no mistaking her flat chest.

Sue always made you feel like a fucking rockstar. She loved young women. She celebrated our youthful beauty so we shopped at her store, and we bought her tiny revealing clothing, and she whistled when we modeled it for her.

But her real value was lifting us up. Sue was where we went when someone fucked us over. She had no patience for straight men, ci-males. We were her beauties. She was our badass female role model who told us we deserved more.

When I started this article, I was going to write about how to lift up your boobs by doing shoulder exercises with weights. That was going to be my boob story, how I got my boobs to defy gravity.

But then I thought about those girls by the lake and then I remembered Sue. I realized there are many boob stories. My boobs do not stand alone.

I wonder what Sue would have thought about my writing an article about how to make your boobs perkier. She probably would have said, “Whatever you do, baby, just make sure you’re getting paid for it.” Sue didn’t hate boobs. She was just done with hers.

When researching the original story, I googled how to lift up your boobs, to see if my weight-lifting theory was correct. The word saggy boobs came up a lot.

The words saggy boobs reminds me of an old friend. Grace was a six-foot-tall, golden blond, gorgeous woman, who once had a man say to her when she passed, “You got some saggy titties, beautiful lady.” She laughed because she was a traffic stopper and saggy titties didn’t diminish her luster one bit.

Saggy titties. Who started that? I looked up saggy titties and there is quite a bit of porn about them. I didn’t click, because I’m not a porn person. If I were, I would be curious about the theme of the videos. Were they about old ladies? Were they about saggy-tittied young ladies? I guess I’ll never know.

Before I wrote this article, I had suspected for a long time that lifting weights would lift up boobs. The weights could help create a muscle harness to hold your boobs up. So I bought some ten pounds weights and got to work.

I did a lot of shoulder weight exercises and my boobs became perkier. My doctor confirmed this. She said I would need a 3D mammogram instead of a regular one since my boobs had pluck.

Theory proved. Hardly scientific, unless I could get a hundred more friends to try lifting, but my friends are too busy to boob-lift with weights. They’ve got children to feed who are too old to breastfeed. They’ve got actual jobs that do not require perky breasts. Besides, low-hanging boobs have a charm of their own. They’re mammary smile lines.

I can go without a bra now, so statistically, 100% of 1 person says “Lifting weights, lift up boobs.” It’s not science. I do have to wear a very tight shirt with a bra insert, but potatoes tomatoes. It’s just one woman's opinion. But I’ve known a lot of women in my lifetime, and every one of them has a boob story, even the ones who’ve removed them completely.