Photo by Dmitry Vechorko on Unsplash

Last year I published a piece called “What Most Men Don’t Understand About Living In Fear”. I described an unsettling personal experience and went on to share thoughts on street harassment, white male privilege, and why dealing with the patriarchy can be frustrating. It was in response to a Human Parts prompt about remaining silent so it was fitting; in most instances where I’ve been the target of harassment, I have remained silent for one reason or another.

Apparently, this was very triggering for some men on the Internet.

While plenty of people (men and women) shared supportive comments, more than a few responses berated the piece and made it clear they not only didn’t read it in full but also didn’t take a single moment to absorb the words and their meaning.

Any guesses as to who was posting the latter?

In my typical fashion, I either ignored those comments or replied with a single snarky response before moving on with my day. As I wrote in the original story, sometimes it’s just not worth the effort to make myself understood to someone who doesn’t seek to understand.

But as I continued to follow the comments and responses, I noticed several of these men returned to edit or elaborate on their initial response. Unprompted. In one case, it was several days later and the anonymous writer hashed out several new paragraphs admonishing what I had written.

As the youths would say, why so pressed?

If you come back to edit your comment, well. I think I can safely say I’ve gotten under your skin. Something about what I said or the way I said it bothered you so much, it lived rent-free in your head until you couldn’t take it anymore. You had to scratch the itch. You had to come back and give that woman on the internet another piece of your mind.

Believe it or not, a woman in this day and age is capable of having an opinion you don’t agree with. That opinion doesn’t need to align with yours for you to respect her. Her opinion may be shaped by a firsthand experience you’ve never encountered. It’s possible she knows more about what she’s talking about than you do.

Women aren’t always asking for your respect or agreement; you could simply take our words at face value, note your disagreement, and move on with your day without taking time or action to dwell on them. You certainly don’t have to tell us about it.

As one of those women who write on the internet, I have to say, I truly do not care what you think. I’m not writing for you.

Writers will write for a lot of reasons. I can only speak for myself but writing is a therapeutic way of processing my thoughts and experiences. The discombobulated act of putting what I feel into words is deeply personal. But indescribably helpful. Sometimes you just need to clear some of the clutter out so you can focus on other things.

Writing challenges me in new ways and fulfills a creative side of myself rarely expressed in other areas of my life. My family doesn’t get it; they don’t have to. Most people won’t see it; that’s fine by me. But for the men who do see it, and feel compelled to tear it down, I have to ask…what do you get out of this?

And I should note, this doesn’t just happen on this platform. Twitter, and now TikTok, is filled with accounts like “user0202883764” and “AndrewC28374” with cartoon character avatars or faceless profiles. They’ve attempted to run me over the rails for saying such innocuous things as “Eating only one meal a day is disordered” and “It’s OK to eat snacks” — both of which are statements I feel more than confident saying, given how I’m a registered dietitian with a masters degree in nutrition. Both of which received a level of vitriol and anger that seemed, frankly, completely disproportional and unwarranted.

But qualifications and education are no match for conspiracy theories, toxic masculinity, and gaslighting on the internet. Thank god for the “mute” button, as I tend to avoid blocking people unless the situation escalates.

These are just a few isolated examples of what it’s like to have the audacity to publicly state an opinion, share an experience, or invite discourse or dialogue on a public platform. If it challenges the “norm” or calls into question the unearned advantages of being white and male, well, you’re really in for it. And since we live in a time of “not all men!” I have to acknowledge this doesn’t apply across the board.

Of course, it doesn’t (facepalm).

Obviously, there are white men capable of decentering themselves, their opinions, and their experiences long enough to entertain the idea that the world looks different for someone else. That doesn’t deserve a pat on the back though — that’s basic human decency, and we should raise our standards considerably if we think that warrants a reward. I refuse to praise them for doing the absolute bare minimum, which is to not immediately roll into a tirade against everything they feel is incorrect.

At best, these interactions can quickly descend into a back-and-forth war of logic, with self-anointed philosophers challenging your every word and trying to back you into a corner so they can say, “Gotcha!” At worst, you’ll receive threats to your reputation, professional standing, or personal safety.

It’s rude. It’s unnecessary. And it’s not going to stop me, because when I say I don’t give a fuck what you think, it’s simply not possible for me to be any more clear on the matter.

And if you’re anyone other than an angry white man on the internet reading this, I hope it won’t stop you either.