Satire

A local mom was shocked this morning to discover that she’s an asshole.

Local mom had been too busy to read the news for the past decade, due to soccer, chess club, math Olympics, gymnastics, travel, and volunteer work. Today, she picked up a newspaper. You could have knocked her over with an Evite.

“Oh my god,” she said. “I’m an asshole.”

While reading about families of 12 having to share one case of water, during a pandemic, during a power grid outage, when the refrigerator was warmer than the house, local mom spits out her Nespresso coffee.

“Oh my god,” she realizes, “I suck.”

Reading an article about how African-Americans are still suffering from institutionalized racism because of slavery, local mom stops whisking her farm-raised organic eggs, immediately.

“Shit,” she says. “I’m benefitting from white supremacy.”

Local woman, who just this morning was yelling at her husband about which doctor friends of theirs could slide her ahead in the vaccine line, read an article about old people lining up for miles during an ice storm to get vaccinated, some of them dying.

She immediately canceled her Zoom cocktail hour with her book club.

“How could I look anyone in the eye,” she said to her Australian mini Labradoodle with a French-accented bark. “Knowing who I am now?”

“Ruuuf,” barked Simone de Beauvour.

Local woman finds out she’s an asshole. Then remembers Colton’s college applications are out, and she’s gotta call Harvard to remind them that both she and her husband are legacies.