Practice the golden rule of relationships

When my long-distance girlfriend dropped me off at the airport, I sensed it would be the last time we saw each other. We had been dating only five months and had depleted our vacation days, air miles, and cash.

Neither of us said much during that car ride. After an amazing four days together, we sensed the finality of our situation. Still, I loved her. I had to make a move. “Turn the car around. I’m not going home. Let’s make a life here.”

That’s what I wanted to say.

Instead, we kissed goodbye like couples do when one of them rushes off on a business trip for a few days. On the plane home, my seatmate chatted me up, and we got to talking. It was this conversation that saved our relationship.

After some prodding, I told her my story. She shrugged. And then, in a tone that suggested annoyance, “Well. Is she a priority or not?”

That comment planted a seed, the beginning of an idea—The Golden Rule of Relationships. It’s simple. Make your partner the top priority in your life.

A week later, that’s what I did. I decided to give up my life on the east coast and move out west. It’s now 18 years later, and that decision has worked well for both of us.

It’s not something I do every day, making my partner my top priority. That would be impractical if not exhausting, but during pivotal relationship moments, it’s imperative. Now, years later, I’ve tweaked my definition of the golden rule of relationships. It’s not just for big decisions.

It works equally well for small moments — times where a little extra effort makes your partner feel like they’re the most important person in the world.

These brief flashes of thoughtfulness won’t become landmark events in your life, but tiny loving acts tallied over a lifetime will strengthen your relationship and make you an extraordinary partner. These seven ideas will get you started.

1. Anticipate and act.

If we’re good partners, we help out when our loved one asks. That’s the minimum requirement, but we can do better. Instead of waiting to hear that plea for help, learn to anticipate the other’s needs, and then act.

It’s not as hard as it sounds.

As you spend more time together, you become attuned to their needs. Body language, tone of voice, and choice of words indicate when they’re struggling. The common (lazy) thing to do is to sit tight until you’re called upon. An extraordinary partner listens to that sixth sense and acts on it before being summoned.

2. Give small trinkets.

Here’s the thing about gifts. If you buy a bouquet or a bottle of their favorite scotch, it’s nice, but it’s like chewing a piece of fruit striped gum — it bursts with flavor at first but becomes tasteless after ten seconds. The joy is ephemeral. Memorable gifts come with a built-in story that connects it to something deeper.

Your partner will leave clues about the kind of trinkets that would appeal to them.

Let’s suppose they mention an affinity for Russian nested dolls during a conversation. A month later, you show up and say, “Saw these today. Aren’t they similar to the ones you loved as a kid?”

That’s a memory that will last. The impact of your gift has little to do with its cost. It’s the story behind it that makes it meaningful.

3. Make your partner’s pleasure more important than yours.

An adequate lover is attentive to their partner’s needs and respectful of their boundaries. Think of that as the baseline. An adequate lover asks questions like, are you going to come soon?

An extraordinary lover learns what their partner desires, discovers their intimate spots, and asks about their fantasies. They make their partner feel safe and comfortable enough to share deeply intimate thoughts without fear of being judged.

There’s no need to indulge every whim or sacrifice your boundaries. But if it’s within your goalposts, indulge them. And, of course, they should follow the same rule.

4. Leave them alone.

There’s so much advice about what to do when you’re together but so little on the importance of letting your partner breathe. Space, distance, or whatever you call it is the most underestimated quality of healthy relationships.

Give each other at least thirty minutes a day of unimpeded solitude. Vow not to interrupt them unless there’s a real emergency. When you’re taking time for yourself, you can’t really enjoy it and unwind if you’re anxious about an urgent text calling you home to change a diaper or a light bulb.

Distance is essential, but you also need to free them from the expectation of interruption.

5. Leave notes on their side of the bed.

In seventh grade, my first girlfriend and I would write each other love letters. In high school, we’d slip them into those tiny grills in our lockers. Love letters represent more than just words or expressions of affection.

Love letters create intimacy, feeling the paper they touched, noticing the penmanship, resting your eyes on the weird way the write certain letters; it’s virtual sex the old-fashioned way.

It’s a lost art, and that’s unfortunate. Taking the time to write a few sentences is one of the easiest and most enjoyable ways to be an extraordinary partner.

Pro tip: don’t leave notes under their pillow. They may never find them. Place them just below the pillow or on their nightstand.

6. Share a memento.

In an episode of Friends, Ross chastised Rachel for not keeping any of the gifts he gave her. Then, she pulls out a shoebox and shows him the movie stub from their first date and then a few other nostalgic mementos, demonstrating that she saves items of importance to her.

Everyone loves nostalgia. It reminds us of happier, simpler times when life was at its best. Of course, those happy times weren’t perfect, but we romanticize the past, leaving most of it on the cutting room floor, replaying just the highlight reel. But it’s that tendency to remember the past fondly that makes mementos so special.

Keep a shoebox of evidence, keepsakes that symbolize memorable events. Write a quick story about the experience. Pull one from your collection every few months and tell the story. It’s guaranteed to put a smile on their face.

7. Remain vigilant.

Early on in our romantic relationships, we’re infatuated. We can’t help but make our partner the top priority in our lives. The challenge comes later. Once the infatuation ends, we settle into a routine. We become complacent. We take each other for granted. We devolve into adequate partners, doing just enough to avoid discontent.

Don’t let that happen.

Be just as attentive, caring, loving, and giving as you were way back when they first caught your eye. That’s what makes you an extraordinary partner.